Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Monday, January 31, 2005

My New Favorite Human Being


One player who wasn't as enthusiastic about the Pistons' White House trip was Rasheed Wallace. Asked on Sunday what he would say to President Bush when they met, the Pistons forward told the Free Press: "I don't have shit to say to him. I didn't vote for him. It's just something we have to do."


Adventures in Couch Purchasing . P.S. Screw the homeless...

All this hassle over something I'll probably get drunk and ruin by pissing all over anyway.

Dear L*vitz Furniture Company (1),

I must congratulate your entire organization. In this day of 'the customer is always right' and 'doing whatever it takes to keep someone's business', it takes an incredible amount of courage to run your business with completely opposite goals in mind. From bewildering beginning to unfortunate end, you recently rammed several piping hot rods of 'customer service fuck-you's right up my tight virgin asshole. I have to admit to being caught quite off guard by your insistence that I take my quaint ideas of 'desiring a quick and easy transaction' and 'expecting apologies and/or compensation for gross mistakes' and shove them all the way up my ass.

But let's not judge this sodomy by torn rectal tissue alone. After all, that's how Kobe Bryant got off. Let's look at a brief timeline of what happened;

- In late October of 2004, me and my wife went through the seemingly unneccesarily bewildering process of picking out one of your couches and ordered it through one of your poor, beaten down, Willie Loman-esque salespeople. Because we didn't want it in the 'shit-brown' color of your showroom model, we were told it would take 6 weeks. Ok, whatever.

- In late November, our salesman called to set up a delivery appointment. After setting it up for early December, he called back to say he should never have done that and that he'd call back later. Thanks for the time waster.

- In early December I called your showroom to find out where it was. Your showroom response was "2 days after ordering it, we've got absolutely nothing to do with it. You gotta call the 800 number". Fine, I did, was put on hold for 45 minutes and then put on hold for another 10 minutes. I was then told that the order had never been placed and that it would be another 2 months. At this point, I asked if there was any way to rush it. "Absolutely not. We have no control over the people who manufacture the sofas. They can't rush anything.". When I threatened to cancel, I was put on hold for another 20 minutes. I was then told you could take $100 off. Still recovering from the shock of your '3 levels of non-culpability', I reluctantly agreed.

- In mid January, our salesman called back to set up another appointment. We set it up for the first weekend of February.

- In late January, I called back to see if I could push the appointment up a little, as I could now receive it during the week. After 45 minutes on hold, I was once again told that the salesman shouldn't have made the appointment as the couch was not due in until mid-to-late February. I then asked how our credit card would be credited the $100 refund promised as our card had already been charged the full price. After a pause and several accusatory questions, the person responded, "Oh, you'll get a gift certificate". A few choice words and another 10 minutes on hold to talk to a supervisor, and that changed to a refund that could only be done after the couch was delievered. Once I received it, I would then have to call back, hold for another 45 minutes and talk to a supervisor to get the $100 credited back. Fuck that, I said, and cancelled the order. Actually, I couldn't cancel the order through the 800 number and had to call the salesperson back to cancel. The fight from the salesperson to keep the order consisted of him saying, "Wow, that's horrbile. I don't blame you.".

And just so you know, yesterday we found the exact same couch at a furniture superstore in Oakland for half as much, in the color we wanted, and they're delivering it TODAY, for free, and disposing of our futon (which Levitz wouldn't do).

So in closing, I wish you a lot of luck. You must have very patient salespeople. I imagine it must be difficult to sell anything with a corporate structure that guarantees that half of the people they sell to will wind up crying on their stomach with a jizz-covered back. I plan on throwing a party the day you file Chapter 11, and a bigger one if I hear that your CEO has cancer.

Lotsa love,

(1) You don't know who it is. It could be owned by Jon Lovitz, right?(2)

(2) Apologies to Jon Lovitz


Sunday, January 30, 2005

SFist Reprint

Your team of Sherpas to guide you to the top of drunk mountain. Or more plainly, a bar review column by your loyal barrespondent, Drew.

One thing is for sure, we love us some neighborhood bars. You can tell within 3 or 4 seconds whether or not any bar in this city was made for people from around the corner or for people from across town. There's an unmistakable 'localness' that certain places have. And even if our mere presence is jerking with that vibe a little bit, most neighborhood bars will remain that way no matter what. It's not something done on purpose, so it's not something that can be controlled. 'Neighborhoodiness' is a force to be reckoned with, and easily overpowers any damage caused by our interloping.

Place Pigalle in Hayes Valley is one of the great neighborhood bars in the entire city. It's dark, it's friendly, and even when it gets crowded later on in the evening, it still maintains a certain charm. There's no liquor license, so you'll have to make do with beer, wine and sake, but trust us, after awhile (and several sakes) you won't even notice. The bar staff always seems top notch and the regulars that inhabit the right side stools are incredibly eager for conversation (sometimes a little too eager if you just want to be left alone).

As for their drink selection, there's a lot of places around that serve Chimay nowadays, but Pigalle's been at it for a while now and it shows. Along with a very selective and delicious set of beers on tap, they also have many nice wine choices and some premium sakes too. So while the drink selections are swanky, the environment is not, and there ain't nothin' wrong with that. At least, not in this neighborhood.



Saturday, January 29, 2005

Oh Oregon, What're We Gonna Do With You?

It's still not as offensive as the Bette Midler sponsored stretch of Hwy 101.

Like most of you (fuck, I hope all of you), my first reaction was that this sign located just outside of Salem, Oregon was just fucking awful, but then I thought of trying to find a solution. Fuck fighting them in court, any victory against them would just be a victory at the cost of free speech laws, so that's no good. And I'm pretty sure they can't be 'reasoned' with, so what to do?

If I lived near this stretch of road, my solution would be to bring ALL my trash there. If the Nazis are responsible for keeping this stretch of highway clean, then I'd like to do my part to ensure that it's so choked with refuse that you can't drive down it without holding your nose and screaming, "C'mon you anti-semitic douchebags, get those dirty diapers out of my way!".

Hell, I think I'd even go as far as using that stretch of road as my own personal rest stop. It'd be worth it just to imagine the look on the local grand dragon's face as he brings his toothless buddies to see their new sign and squints his eyes and exclaims, "Is that human shit that someone has smeared all over our sign?"

Yes it is, Cletus, yes it is...

Props to JewSchool


Friday, January 28, 2005

What's Next, Crank Calls To The Deaf?

With the first overall pick in the 1985 NBA draft, the New York Knickerbockers select...

Check out this fantastic dissection of one of the most truly awful videos ever created that didn't involve Phil Collins, Lionel Ritchie's step-by-step guide to stalking blind women, 'Hello'.

Props of course to Bob and Stereogum.


It Costs $100 To See Troy Murphy Holla, He Gets Paid To Do The Wild Thing

This is what I'd look like if someone punched me in the nose like a million times.

Hey, here's something funny. I attended a Golden State Warriors game last week. And while this wouldn't be such a thigh-slapper in most of the rest of the country, in the bay area, the thought of watching our local Special Olympians once again get the taste slapped out of their mouth in person is rib-ticklingly chuckle-tastic.

A friend of mine got the tickets through work, which I'm convinced is the ONLY way that anyone gets tickets. Not because they're hard to get, O' Contraire, because large corporations are the only people stark raving stupid enough to cough up a hundred bucks a pop for mediocre seats so you can watch Adonal Foyle and Eduardo Najera get colonoscopies by the rest of the league.

Now I love sports as much if not more than your average dude, so I was able to have a few horrendously overpriced beers and still have fun. But if I had actually had to PAY for those tickets? I'd be looking for the next Ron Artest to heave my Bud Light at. That guy that came on the court would look like Mahatma Gandhi compared to me trying to get a refund.

And even if it is only corporations buying the seats, what kind of Nebraska wood-whittlin' hillbilly do you have to be to be 'impressed' by Warriors tickets? "Well I reckon we can't give you that big contract cause'n.....WHOA!!! MICHAEL DUNLEAVY??!! HERE'S A BLANK COMPANY CHECK!!".

Oh yeah, and Go Sonics.


Thursday, January 27, 2005

Special 'Drunk by Noon' Edition of Thursday Gazzara Blogging

Ben commands you to go to the Uptown bar tonight between 6:30 and 2AM (17th & Capp Street in San Francisco's beautiful Mission district). If meeting bay area blogging legends like Scaramouche and Generik aren't motivation enough, you can always show up just to kick me in the stomach for that crack I made about Roxette. I'll be the guy at the bar with no teeth and the tattoo that says 'Ask me about my grandkids'.


Wednesday, January 26, 2005


You heard the Daddy Mack, now jump jump.

As a public service to old people like myself who would just as soon shotgun Star Jones' enema bag than listen to the music of someone named JoJo, here's a re-tooled version of President Bush's 'rockin' speech to the kids from last week. Now suitable for GenX reading;

(click on band names to see the actual awful performer at Jenna and Not-Jenna's inaugaral 'ho'-down)

District of Columbia National Guard

6:54 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Listen, I want to thank all the entertainers who were here today. How about The Heights with their song "How do you talk to an angel". They were fantastic. (Applause.) Amy Grant -- Amy is here -- yeah. (Applause.) Heavy D & The Boys -- you talk about a success story. (Applause.) Jon Secada, I appreciate Jon being here. (Applause.) How about Mr. Big? (Applause.) Pretty cool guys, right? Seem cool to me. (Applause.) Roxette -- I appreciate Roxette being here. (Applause.) Andre Rison -- I'm honored that my friend, Bad Moon -- and I'm really proud and pleased that he brought his wife, Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopez. (Applause.)

I want to thank Bronson Pinchot for being with us today. I'm honored that Balki was here. Kaye Lani Raye Rafko, Miss America 1988 -- what a fine person Kaye is. (Applause.) How about Eric Neis, from the "real world" (Applause.) Next thing you know, the guy will be running for President. (Applause.) Mary Hart -- I'm honored that Mary is with us. I appreciate you all coming.

Angry letters defending Roxette may be left in the comments.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

It's Been A Bold, Brave Year For Us As Ac-Tors...

Dear senile shut-ins and afraid-of-being-exposed hacks,

Gosh, I guess I don't know very much about movies. Here's some incredible misconceptions that I had that thankfully the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is around to set me straight on;

1- Apparently Michel Gondry is NOT talented and Eternal Sunshine didn't have as much vision behind it as Taylor Hackford's masterful job of recreating scenes of Ray Charles we've seen a million times.

2 - I also didn't know that Hotel Rwanda was such a lousy movie. Then again, if forced to pick a biography of a black guy, my first question is also whether or not he ever did a jingle for Diet Pepsi.

3 - How does Paul Giamatti continue to get work? Obviously he's not any good, and he's got the nerve to prance around Hollywood being 'not so good looking', taking work away from more deserving actors like John Stamos and Lorenzo Lamas.

4 - I foolishly thought it would be stupid to completely shut out Farenheit 9/11. Oh well, I guess you want to suck up to the big 51% mandate. Oh wait, you essentially shut out Passion 'O The Christ as well? Well, excellent job pissing everybody off then.

5 - Like an idiot, I also assumed that you have to write a screenplay to win 'best screenplay'. Mike Leigh (Vera Drake) writes an outline and then lets actors improvise their dialogue. But there he is nominated, so I guess I'm wrong again.

6 - 'Tupac: Ressurection' as best documentary feature? I guess it is much more riveting to see found footage of someone of minor cultural significance who died 8 years ago than a complete indictment of the current President of the United States. Kudos.

7 - Lastly, congratulations on inventing the 'Everybody gets an award' award, also known as the 'Best Animated Feature' award. Here I was thinking that Shark Tale was a universally agreed upon piece of shit, but since it was animated, and therefore has to be nominated so that the category has more than two films in it, then I guess it's good after all.

So in closing, I apologize Academy. I thought your list of nominees would make some attempt to achieve any kind of relevance or cultural significance, but for the 77th time, I guess you're willing to settle for bone-headed awfulness.


Monday, January 24, 2005

RIP Johnny

Terrible loss, great talent etc.

During the Today show this morning, they mentioned that Billy Crystal called Johnny Carson "The greatest talk show host of our time". Boy that Crystal sure goes out on a limb.

Here's some other 'controversial' things Billy Crystal has said:

"Roger Maris hit a lot of home runs"

"Comic Relief provided neither comedy or relief"

"Chocolate cake is delicious"

and finally "My academy awards hosting is only tolerable when you compare it with Whoopi Goldberg"


Sunday, January 23, 2005

SFist Reprint

Staggering Through Fog

A weekly shot (or four) in the dark at finding the bar in the Bay area that slings the best hooch. By barrespondent, Andrew.

Winter is not the time for light beer. Nothing further sinks your night of fighting for parking or fighting with that guy for the last seat on the 22 Fillmore than some crystal clear lightweight waiting for you at the bar. When the temperature falls outside, the brew being poured inside should get darker and darker.

Now we all know that the Irish and Scottish produce some of the best dark beers in the world, but if you need something with flavor, something with so much character that you feel like it's drinking you, then Germany is the place to go. German's have more types of beer than they know what to do with, so finding just the right one to match the temperature and relative humidity outside can be pretty daunting, but also a whole lot of fun.

Suppenkuche, in Hayes Valley, is primarily a somewhat fancy-pants restaurant with most people there to dine on various types of schnitzels, grubens, wursts and speitzels. And while those all look and sound delicious, the 'bier' is what makes this place. Just about everything they have on tap here is out of this world. Bring several friends and sip off each others if you can. Personal recommendations include the Salvator Bock, the Weltenberger Helles and the Kostritzer Dunkle. Or, if Belgian beers are more your speed, they pour some of the best Leffe blonde I've ever seen. It seems no matter what you order here, it's top shelf.

However, the service at Suppenkuche is, unfortunately, very German. Expect about five minutes of annoyed pissing and moaning before the host hurries you to the bar or your table and commands you to stay out of the way. When we came it was about 10:30pm, and since they close at 11 (a disgrace to everything European), the man behind the podium was incredibly reluctant to let us in for just a drink. He commanded us to stand at the bar and 'make it quick'. Luckily, bar stools opened up rather quickly and we were able to sit while we made fun of our austere host.

That said, try not to let the disgruntled service put you off of a beer experience that is second to none. Suppenkuche is worth any hassle to get in just for the pure science of finding the perfect winter beer. But if fooling yourself into thinking it's summer by ordering round after round of Coronas is your thing, I guess that's alright too.

Liver... Out!!!


Saturday, January 22, 2005

Not Quite As Efficient As A Nervous Breakdown...

Well, after missing several days with the flu I sort of 'voluntarily got fired' from my job this week. What I was told by my temp representative was that they 'want to go in a different direction, but could probably be talked into giving me another chance'.

Interesting position to put me in. Do I really want to fight for a temp warehouse job with a company with absolutely no place to get promoted to? Do I really want to battle for a career at an alarm wholesaler where I'd get to work with 4 soul-dead salesmen whose only source of joy is talking down to the warehouse guy? Do I really want to be stocking shelves when I turn 35 years old next month? In a word, no, In several words, Oh for the love of fucking jesus, no.

So here we are in familiar territory, in-tro-spec-tion. The only thing I know for sure at this point is that warehouse work is a dead end (something most people figure out by the time they're 16 and see what their best friend from shop is doing since he dropped out to form a band and smoke pot, in reverse order). So armed with that bit of fresh knowledge, now maybe I can follow something through for a change and learn me up some Microsoft Office and get me one of them sweet 'sit down' jobs.

Of course, if you have a pile of jobs sitting around that you're not using, let me know. Otherwise, I'll keep you posted.


Friday, January 21, 2005

Naked Pyramids Got Nothin' On This

Courtesy of Thighs Wide Shut


The Tao Of Joker

Matthew Modine, who will spend Friday visiting hospitalized soldiers in D.C. and Bethesda, Md. "This president promises to be a uniter, not a divider," he told me. He added he didn't vote for President Bush, but "if the Democratic Party wants to be successful, they'll have to find a way to be more successful."

Great, just great. I'm still wondering if he ever got the toilet so clean that the virgin Mary herself would be proud to come in there and take a dump.


Hey, Do You Suck At Your Current Job? Then You're Hired!!

He's like the Homer Simpson to our nation's Frank Grimes.

Following yesterday's 'let's all close our eyes and pretend it's September 12, 2001' ceremony, why not learn some more about the new crop of greedy assholes who'll be draining the treasury for the next four years.

Sam Bodman, Secretary of Energy. It only makes sense. After all, he's only the former CEO of a company that finished 'top 5' in the nation's worst polluters for years.

It's semi-humorous if a few blatant criminals slip past the system and get promoted for using their influence to skirt the law and line the pockets of their greedy friends, but this is getting fucking ridiculous. Perhaps it would be easier to post a short list of things you would have to do in order to not qualify for a Bush cabinet post. I would imagine the list to include 'shitting on the american flag and then eating it' and 'no democrats' and that's it.


Thursday, January 20, 2005

Thursday Gazzara Blogging, Special Inaugaral Edition!

"Don't look at me, I voted for the 'Fat Elvis' stamp!"


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Time To Go Back To Bitch School

Mucho Props to Banana Yoshi-Norbizness

In the interest of a free and open exchange of ideas, as long as they're in quiz format and meant to paint me into some bullshit corner of my own making that causes me to break down and declare my love for all things Neocon, this unbelievably stink-ridden pile of shit published a little test for y'all:

No copying off of my paper, bitches!

1) Do you think a significant percentage of prominent Republicans would secretly like to see the US become a theocracy? I dunno, is 'prominent' a vague enough word to use in a question like this? What's the matter, were 'likely', 'possible' and 'hypothetical' all taken?

2) Do you believe it was a mistake to go to war in Afghanistan? Maybe. To acheive the stated goal? Perhaps. To pretend we've done much more than we have? Sadly, No!

3) In your opinion, is it a myth that American soldiers were spit on when they returned from Vietnam? (cheated from Norbiz) No, I saw Republican delegates at the 1972 convention spit on Ron Kovic.

4) Michael Moore's distribution group, Front Row Entertainment, received help marketing "Fahrenheit 9/11" in Lebanon from the terrorist group Hezbollah. Do you believe that was appropriate? No more so than companies run by Arab royalty pumping James Baker so full of cash that he'll say anything he's programmed to.

5) Do you think you can be a patriotic American and support Iraq's anti-occupation resistance? Yes, because they're completely unrelated. Do YOU think it was possible to love Germany and disagree with the invasion of Poland?

6) Do you think there is a significant chance that the capture of Saddam Hussein was timed to help George Bush politically? Yup.

7) In your opinion, is there a significant chance that Diebold is rigging elections in order to help the GOP? No, I would only believe that if the CEO had said that he would, which he did.

8) Is George Bush more "evil" than Saddam Hussein? Only in the way that I think that 'Lester' is more evil than 'Willie Tyler'.

9) In your opinion, is there a significant chance that Republicans rigged some of the Senate races in 2002? Sure, why not? I mean, what the fuck?

10) Was Ingrid Newkirk right when she said, "There is no rational basis for saying that a human being has special rights. A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. They're all mammals"? Unless you can prove that they're not, then yes.

11) Is there any nation in the world that's more of a force for good than the United States? Well, Bjork's pretty hot, and I like Nicole Kidman and Colin Farrell.

12) In your opinion, is the US a "stingy" country? Only if you believe in things like statistics.

13) Is there a significant chance that America will become a fascist state in let's say the next 10 years? I really think that all depends on the results of this quiz.

14) Do you think there's a significant possibility that liberals will be rounded up and put into some sort of camps in let's say the next 10 years? Despite the shriekings of Michelle Malkin, no.

15) Is America an imperialist nation in your opinion? Yup.

16) Do you think "losing" in Vietnam was good for America? Obviously not. If it were, there wouldn't still be dickless losers like the 'Swift Boat Veterans' running around.

17) Are you sometimes ashamed to be an American? Oui, Oui, Oh God, Oui!!!

18) Do you think it's wrong for the President to put the welfare of Americans ahead of the welfare of people in other countries? What a strange assumption to make that he does.

19) Do you see significant, noteworthy, parallels between America and Nazi Germany? (Again I'll copy off Norbiz) Do you mean the interstate system and the gun control, or the violent reactions by a substantial part of populace if the fallibility of the leader is questioned?

20) In your opinion, was Iraq primarily a "war for oil"? No, there's much more financial gain than just the oil, at least for well connected folk that'll be present at the ball this 20th.

21) What about Afghanistan? Was that primarily a "war for oil" as well? Fuck you for assuming yes on 20, asshole.

22) Do you think it's likely a draft will be declared by the end of George Bush's term? Only if he cares about avoiding a total catastrophe, so, No.

23) Do you think Iraq was preordained and planned before 9/11 ever took place? Fairly well documented fucking yes.

24) In your opinion, is sleep deprivation a form of torture? You would have to time travel back to 1990 and ask me after 2 straight nights of doing enough mushrooms to kill a Giraffe.

25) Would you prefer that we lose in Iraq? No, mister cheerleader, I would prefer that we declare it a draw and get out. But I do understand your small-minded approach that 'winning is everything'. After all, if it's good enough for the Vince Lombardi motivational posters in your cube....

26) Do you believe anyone who goes to Afghanistan or Iraq as a soldier is fighting for an evil cause under an evil commander in chief? What an asshole question. You're an asshole. An Asshole who asks questions.

27) Was Michael Moore correct when he said, "There is no terrorist threat in this country. This is a lie?" Depends on how much you believe in our ability to stop anyone with a box-knife from entering this country. If you, like me, agree that you can't, then he's right, because there hasn't been another attack.

28) Is there in your opinion a significant chance that the Bush administration either was behind 9/11 or knew it was coming and allowed it to happened? How about a 3rd category; Had strong information that it was coming and was too preoccupied with doing the opposite of the previous administration to do anything about it.

29) Do you think there is a significant possibility that the Bush administration had a hand in Paul Wellstone's death? No.

30) Do you believe that somebody rigged the vote in Ohio during the 2004 Presidential election? You have to define 'rigged'. If by rigged you mean vote alteration and exaggeration, then yes. If by rigged, you mean supplying poor districts with far too few machines, then yes. And if by rigged, you mean providing it with machines that the CEO of Diebold said would be crooked and according to exit polls were, then YES.

31) In your opinion, do you think there is a significant chance that the Bush administration was behind the anthrax letters? No, but like the CIA leak that exposed Joe Wilson's wife, it's not exactly top on the President's list of shit to check into is it?

32) Had George Bush lost the election, do you believe there was a significant chance Republicans would have thrown a coup? No. Insulting.

33) Do you believe there's a significant chance that Karl Rove or someone else in the Bush administration had something to do with the last minute appearance of the Bin Laden tape right before the Nov. 2nd election? You bet your ass.

34) Do you believe comparisons of George Bush to Hitler are appropriate? Only in the parts where they're true.

35) Do you think Communism could work if the right people were running it? Like who? Reagan? Rush Limbaugh? Rupert Murdoch?

36) Do you believe that black Americans who support and vote Republican are betraying their race? It's as racist to ask that question as it is to appoint black Americans in power positions and then blame them for the administrations failures (i.e. Colin Powell and Alberto Gonzalez 2 years from now).

37) Do you think people who say Al-Qaeda doesn't exist are right? Uh...... No.

38) Are the insurgents in Iraq roughly comparable to Americans who fought against the British in your opinion? No, but they are rougly comparable to the US funded forces in Iraq that fought against Iran.

39) Do you believe Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur was correct when she said, "One could say that Osama bin Laden and these non-nation-state fighters with religious purpose are very similar to those kind of atypical revolutionaries that helped to cast off the British crown"? Yes, because one could say that, and she just did.

40) Do you believe there's a significant chance that the US Government knows where Bin Laden is and is deliberately allowing him to remain free? Yes.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Top Ten

I'm busy being sick. Back soon. Until then, here's my current list of the blogs that I just can't go a day without. Call it the SCAMBOOGIES awards:

1. Norbizness, fulfills my once-a-day requirement of asking myself, "Is that a Simpson's quote or something from Aqua Teen Hunger Force?".

2. World O'Crap, Smartens me up while making me shake my head at the amount of crass, ignorant assholes that are out there clogging up the 'punditsphere' (I just made that word up).

3. A Perfectly Cromulent Blog, Great observations and funny shit from a professional film review writing guy.

4. Jesus' General, As sarchastic as as it gets. Brilliantly blasphemic!

5. Rude Pundit, For foul-mouthed venting, it can't be beat.

6. TBogg, similar to World O' Crap, but occasionally covers off-politic topics.

7. TVGasm, simply the best television website on the planet.

8. Something Awful, Tasteless, angry, brilliant.

9. This Modern World, the sensical ramblings of Tom Tomorrow.

10. Defamer, the best in celebrity gossip and making fun of Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.


Monday, January 17, 2005

Is This On? Can You Hear Me In The Back?

Who's he talking to? There's no one back there.

World's worst standup comedian Mr. Blackwell came out with his 'high-larious' Worst dressed list for 2004. Among the chestnuts:

Meryl Streep: Forget "Lemony Snicket" — Streep packs the fashion punch of Jiminy Cricket! In dowdy glasses and lumpy tents, Meryl is "A Series of Unfortunate Events!

(Pause for a change of shit-filled pants due to laughing fit during which I lost one of my kidneys)

Britney Spears: What’s left to say about the new Mrs. Federline? She’s a "clothes encounter of the catastrophic kind!"

(Use set of Miracle Blade III knives purchased while drunk 2 years ago to remove trachea in hopes that it will curtail further laughing fits)

Paris Hilton: Paris’s "designer" is obviously on vacation — this is one Hilton that should be closed for renovation!

(Rub entire container of Whole Foods imported sea salt onto self-inflicted tracheotomy wounds in hope that it stops the laughing for 5 minutes)

Lindsay Lohan: Over-hyped and under-dressed. What’s happened to Lindsay? When it comes to fashion she’s in a schizophrenic frenzy!

(Okay, this time I get a break because I'm not even sure this is supposed to be a joke)

Nicollette Sheridan: In barely-there bombs she’s a taste-free pain — Let’s crown her the Tacky Temptress of Wisteria Lane!

(Must....Gouge....Out....Eyes. If I read anything funnier my lungs will certainly fill with enough air to power a laugh so strong as to blow my head clean off it's neck and into the next zip code!)

Thank the Lord Jesus this list only comes out once a year.


Sunday, January 16, 2005

SFist Reprint

Staggering Through Fog

A weekly winter training session to prepare for the heavy drinking required to tolerate baseball season. Also known as a San Francisco bar review column, by Andrew.

When the weather gets as ugly as it's been recently, you just gotta find a place that feels like home. No, not that 200 square foot dump you call an apartment. We're talking wood, fire, booze and candles. The kind of place that makes you feel like bringing your own blanket and taking a nap in the little nook between the
jukebox and the men's room. Okay, maybe not, but even stil, 'homey' is what it's all about this time of year (clown jokes aside).

Glen Park Station, just down the street from... (wait for it) Glen Park Bart station is a really, really, REALLY comfortable bar. When you walk in, it really doesn't feel like you're anywhere near San Francisco. From the locals hanging out to the complete and total unsophistication of the place (that's a good thing, trust us),
Glen Park is the easiest getaway available when you're tired of local hipsters and trying to fit into some kind of 'scene'.

Sure, you may get the occasional dirty look from someone slightly irked that you're sitting in the seat they've occupied for the last 50 years, but overall the staff and customers couldn't be nicer.

So when the rain starts coming down again, bolt to the nearest Bart station and take a mini-vacation south. Glen Park may not be quite as warm as Acapulco or Rio, but is just slightly easier to get to.

Liver... Out!!!


Saturday, January 15, 2005

They're Light Years Ahead Of Us....

Lick it! The Snozz-berries taste like Snozz-berries!!! Oh, I'm sorry, that's meant to be a human face.

The british are kicking our ASS at reality television, people. We can sit here, smug in our incredibly wrong opinion that American reality shows are fucked up, but rest assured, the British are running rings around the best that our so-called depravity-merchants can come up with.

Here's just part of the soul-sucking goodness that the limey's are churning out on this year's 'Celebrity' version of Big Brother:

Germaine Greer - Described in her bio as 'possibly the world's most outspoken and famous feminist', she lasted about 4 days before saying 'fuck the rainforest' charity that she was playing for and getting the fuck out.

Jackie Stallone - Like there are two sweeter words to anyone watching reality TV. Unfortunately, she was promptly evicted because she's a fucking lunatic who's had enough plastic surgery to kill most Jacksons.

Bez - This guy's job used to be to dance at Happy Mondays shows. That's not a joke.

Brigitte Nielson - Only there to antagonize the true star of the show, Jackie!

And another 5 or so other people of which I know nothing. But those four alone would be enough to make me Tivo the shit out of this show. Watching Jackie Stallone is like smoking an entire bag of the choicest hippie lettuce on the planet and passing out on a lava lamp. She's like Michael Jackson without all the 'fondling kids' baggage.

We live in an age where we can download ping-pong ball shooting porn from the deepest corners of Asia, and yet I cannot see this show live as it's broadcast. What's wrong with this picture?


Friday, January 14, 2005

Our President The Four Year Old

Here's a fine example of the Snickering Dope you redneck fools elected president:

(from CNN)
"Sen. Ben Nelson finally has succeeded in getting President Bush to stop calling him by the nickname "Nellie."

Bush had been referring to the Nebraska Democrat as "Nellie" since 2001.

Nelson disliked the nickname and had asked the president to stop using it.

The president likes to give people nicknames. He has called Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, "Pootie-Poot," while aide Karen Hughes gets "High Prophet."

Can't you just picture it? Senator Nelson politely asking the president not to call him by such a childish nickname and our President going, "Ok, whatever Nellie. Heh heh". "Hey Nellie, why don't ya gimme yer lunch money? Eh Nellie?".

And 'Pootie-Poot'? Are you sure that's not the stuff in the toilet that 'Rovey-Rove' has to come run and flush?

And finally, Karen Hughes' nickname, High Prophet, is just weird. It doesn't fit in at all with the rest of his slobbering retard monikers. I'm guessing it's some sort of Free Mason or Skull and Bones thing.


Guilty Pleasures

Oh, uh, besides that...

Guilty Pleasures: A stolen quiz for you to steal yourself. Leave it in the comments or wad it up and throw it at someone, whichever.

CD I have in my car that I roll up the windows to listen to:
N.W.A. Straight Outta Compton. Not out of any embarassment, but so the wrong person doesn't hear me shout 'Fuckin' Wit Me Cause I'm a Teenager, wit a little bit a gold and a pager'

Book I read flat so no one could see the title:
The new issue of Tiger Beat

Crappiest song ever sung at karaoke:
No contest, a duet of Dust In The Wind. We fucked it up royal.

Bad movie I watch repeatedly:
Why must I watch Point Break every goddamn time it's on?

Article of clothing I love though I know it's wrong:
My T-shirt with a picture of Bea Arthur on it that says "Bea Arthur has a posse".

What I order at the bar when no one is listening:
Apple Martini or Cosmo, just like the ladies

Fast food item I adore:
Popeye's 4 piece with a side of red beans and rice. Artery stopping goodness.

A TV show that is a good example of the downfall of civilization that I love anyway:
Forever Eden on Fox was fucking brilliantly awful. Average Joe also did a great job of ruining
lives. As for a current show, I'd have to pick Amazing Race. It's a great travelogue and ruins people's lives!!

Now it's your turn, either in comments below or at your own blog.

Via Mouse Words.


Thursday, January 13, 2005

Sad Songs Are Like Nature's Onions

Don't make me do more pushups!!

More congrats for Koufax award nominations. This time to local dudes Scaramouche, King of Zembla and Roger Ailes. All have been nominated for 'Deserving of Wider Recognition'.

So take some of your company's valuable time to go give recognition to these people who have taken a lot of their company's valuable time.


Thursday Gazzara Blogging


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Social Security Reform

Wake Up! Yeah yeah, I know, it's fantastically boring shit to talk about, but I found someone who breaks it the fuck down.

Rude Pundit's latest two posts simplify what this evil regime is planning to do to your retirement. And not just your retirement, but if a loved one dies, or is injured, or in any way something shitty happens to you and you're not part of the royal, fuck-you rich, inbred assholes tucked away up in Kennebunkport.

Read his reports here and here. He even uses the term 'goat-fucking'!


The Best Show You're Not Watching

Rats Off To Ya!

The Cartoon Network's Tom Goes To the Mayor is without a doubt, the most innovatively funny show to hit television in a long, long time. It's easy going style and minimalist animation mask a show that's incredibly hilarious.

Figure out the next time it's on and watch it goddammit.


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Why Warren Miller Sucks

Wow, look at that powder! I almost give a shit!

If you've never heard of Warren Miller, it means one of two things; 1)You never lived close enough to a mountain to have a high school full of burnout ski bums or 2)You've never smoked pot with someone who used to be/still is a burnout ski bum.

Warren Miller makes movies. This might be the most liberal use of that phrase in modern history. Saying that Warren Miller makes movies is kind of like saying that the homeless guy that just crapped his pants is a sculptor. Basically, Mr. Miller takes shitty ski footage that you've already seen a billion times and says amazingly unwitty things in a dull monotone voice that sounds like a cross between Tom Shane* and Ben Stein.

Sound annoying? Oh you're darn tootin'! The only thing that makes these hour and half long sessions of ski-pole masturbation worse is that trustafarian losers that spend more on their lift ticket than they do every week at Hot Topic trying to look poor LOVE THIS SHIT. In Seattle, where I grew up, these dirt-weed smoking shitheads line up for hours to watch other people ski. Even people that go to Lazer-Floyd laugh at these idiots.

Oh, and as long as I'm sort of on the topic, I beg the local ski mountains (Sugar Loaf, Dodge Ridge, Cocaine Mound, whatever) to stop with your awful radio ads. Yes, I know, I'll be the 'coolest' dad in the world if I drop 500 bucks dragging my stupid kids to your awful line-ridden money printing factories. Yes, my 'wacky, freestylin' kids' will love me forever if I just dump my entire life savings into 3 or 4 runs down some shitty mountain filled with other douchebags.

Can you tell I don't ski?

* Tom Shane, regional diamond merchant, cocaine addict (unconfirmed rumor from former employee) and nasal-voiced jackass.


Roy Freaking Schildt

This is my hero. Get used to it bitches, cause this guy to me represents to me the apex of the pinnacle of the zenith of human existence.

Roy Schildt, Missle Command world champion, ladie's man, Awesome human being, perhaps second only to Billy Mitchell in the 80s videogame pantheon of superheroes, Roy Schildt is not just the shit, he is everything shit wants to be.

Soak it in, but not for too long! You must leave time to go out and be the most 'Schildt-like' person you can be!

UPDATE: Look at those Pants!! Oh my god, are those tights?


Monday, January 10, 2005

The Pleasure, The Privilege is Mine

"It's not like I always want to pay for my groceries with Grammys, just this once"

I just found out that this here mountain o' bullshit has been nominated for a prestigious Koufax Award for Best New Blog. I'm dumbfoundedly stupified and humbledly trying to cuminiferate new words to explain my gratificatitude. In other words, 'gee thanks'.

Now go and vote so I can sell this site to Bill Gates and move to the moon!


Take Some Time Off To Go Find The 'Real' Singers

16 years ago, Milli Vanilli's career was completely ruined when they (on a television show not widely seen at all at the time) lip synched their song 'Girl You Know it's True'. As soon as word got out about what had happened, they were forced to give back their Grammy and their singing careers were over. Eventually, one of the members of the group commited suicide and a price was paid for their deceit and lack of talent.

Flash forward to today. Ashlee Simpson is caught red handed doing the exact same thing. Her piss-poor excuses are quickly debunked and now everybody knows that Ashlee is the untalented younger sister of her only marginally gifted sibling. Career over, right? I mean, there's no way the public can be counted on to lap up food that's already been shown to be tainted is there? You can't take a gigantic shit in someone's chocolate cake and expect them to continue spooning it into their mouths can you?

Well as it turns out, Sadly, Yes. Whether it's entertainment, politics or whatever, no one gives a shit when people are exposed as fakes anymore. It's much more important to be 'right'. "I'm not going to believe that Ashlee Simpson is a fake that doesn't deserve my money, because that would be admitting that I made a mistake". "I don't want to vote for a democrat, because then I'd temporarily look like an idiot for changing my mind".

You fucking jackasses that refuse to take any responsibility for your bad choices are ruining this world. Without any ability to admit mistakes, then the world becomes the property of salesmen. If someone can get you to drive the piece of shit car off the lot, he wins, because you'll never admit defeat and bring the car back when it throws a rod 1/2 a mile from the dealership.

So fuck Ashlee Simpson. I hope she's deeply hurt by the chorus of boos that rained down on her at the Orange Bowl last week. I hope that, like Rob from Milli Vanilli, she realizes that the price of her dishonesty is her own soul, and that the only way to escape the constant torture of knowing that you are a completely exposed, talentless piece of shit is to do a mountain of drugs for the next ten years and then off yourself unceremoniously overseas somewhere.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

SFist Reprint

A weekly tribute to the only haze thicker than the Marina's, the one you wake up with in your head on Saturday morning. By your local barrespondent, Drew.

There must be a mathematical formula to answer the eternal question, "How empty is too empty for a bar?". We're no algebrists (sic), but square footage and amount of light have to be in that formula somewhere we would think. After all, a dark, small empty bar is the greatest thing ever, whereas a large over-lit bingo hall-looking place that's completely devoid of people is depressing at best (and a bingo hall at worst). I suppose we'll let the egg-heads at CalTech figure out the exact formula, and in the meantime continue to do our own brand of 'research'.

Yancy's on Judah in the Inner Sunset (Thanks to the earlier reader who pointed out our seemingly unshakable habit of mixing up the Sunset and the Richmond despite having lived in both. Not to worry, a few more months of electro-shock therapy and we'll be fine) seems to consistently get the above mentioned formula barely wrong. The first time we went there was 9 or 10 years ago, and at that time it was packed to the walls with reggae-lovin' USF students. Now if there's one thing we are, besides usually over the legal limit, it's forgiving and more than willing to give a place another shot. Well this time Yancey's was a ghost town. 9PM on a Saturday night and you almost couldn't concentrate on your cocktail for the sounds of crickets. Decent drinks, a friendly enough staff and 'festive' holiday decorations couldn't make up for the fact that we felt like we had walked into Sears an hour before opening.

It's a shame really. I've always thought Yancy's was a great space, had a fair amount of wood and more history than most other pubs in the neighborhood. Maybe I've just never been there on a good night, maybe no night is a good night, or maybe they just forgot to carry the 1.

Liver... Out!!


Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Robertson Code

"And then Orangutans will storm the Vatican. It's all right there on your dollar bill. "

I've done it! I think I've stumbled upon the most important discovery since Jonas Salk used X-Rays to invent Polio (I told you I never graduated). I've uncovered the formula that will lead to the destruction of Pat Robertson (wait for cheering to die down).

Here it is: RND=A+T, R=Robertson, ND=Nonsensical Delusions, A=Media Attention and T=Time. So therefore, if we can INCREASE the amount of time and attention that Pat receives, he will eventually become so meglomaniacal and shit-house rat-crazy that he will just CEASE TO EXIST (wait for murmuring and gasps to quiet).

Think back when Pat first rose to relevance. Every year that he became more visible politically, he said weirder and weirder things. Then came the failure of the contract with America and the hedonistic 90s. With 'Big Dick Clinton in the White House, men and women couldn't walk down the street without getting their cock sucked by another guy and a forced abortion, respectively. As Mr. Robertson was subsequently ignored, he seemed to make more and more sense. Or at least didn't sound like a fucking mental patient on a daily basis.

Then came the new millenium, gay marriage, the mandate, and finally a wave of earthquake powered water that consumed 150,000 lives. So what does Pat say from his 'position of power'? What postive contribution will he make to the world?

"And it’s not God’s do. It was one of those things, like a hurricane. It’s a natural release of heat in the atmosphere. And if people choose to live along the coastlines in dangerous areas, they are in trouble, just like people who live on the San Andreas fault in California.

The big one, one day is going to come. And they’re going to be—but you can’t blame God for your foolishness. If you want to live there, that’s too bad."

Just remember that the next time a tornado touches down and rips your red state asunder. It's YOUR fault for living near danger. It's YOUR fault for not moving into a spider hole. It's YOUR fault, so God and the rest of the world owe you nothing. Fuck off Southeast Asia, oh yeah and praise the Lord!

But I digress. The point is this. Everyone should watch MORE and MORE of the 700 club, send Pat email telling him how great he is. If we can increase his sense of self-worth just a little bit, he'll be sacrificing goats and eating his co-hosts in no time.


Friday, January 07, 2005

Hey Hey Detainees!!

Ah, the Corner on National Review Online. What a horrible dump of racist, anti-semetic, hate-filled bullshit dressed up to barely look like argument. Many other sites do a much better job than I could of picking apart their daily screetching so I won't bother. But one thing did stand out to me.

Here's Corner mainstay and complete 'a-hole' John Derbyshire bravely and nobly trying to defend the Abu-Gareb torture:

"I'd really like to know WHICH END OF THE CIGARETTE WENT IN THE PRISONER'S EAR. If, as that first reader implied, it was the burning end (intention: infliction of pain & possibly hearing loss) that is one thing. If, on the other hand, it was the unlit end (intention: at minimum, to make the prisoner feel silly, at maximum, to make him afraid you would let the thing burn right down), that's another."

So according to this fool, there's a possibility that what the soldiers are doing in prisons across Iraq and at Guantanamo is only done to 'make the prisoner feel silly'. What brilliant comedians! I just knew it was a mistake to send the '101st fighting pranksters' to man our prison system. Especially since Rumsfeld has yet to send them the Selzer bottles and flapping dickeys they so sorely need.


Happy Trails, Dick!!

Joyous news! Seems that Tucker Carlson's been fired. Here's my eulogy:

Tucker Carlson, he was kind of obnoxious. No, wait, he was really obnoxious. He was like every silver-spoon fed tittie-suckin' momma's boy conservative douche nozzle that's in every community college 'intro to Poli-Sci' class. You know, the guy who immediately thinks he's smarter than the professor because he listens to Limbaugh. I don't remember wanting to slap my television nearly as much before Tucker made his first appearance on it. Even his name, Tucker, just made you want to wring the life out of his neck. The thought of punching him in the stomach made me smile.

Oh yeah, and he wears a bow tie.


Thursday, January 06, 2005

Thursday Gazzara Blogging


Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I don-a Think That Word Means What You Think It Means

While visiting my parents back on Thanksgiving, my mother started telling this story about something called 'Bowfire'. It was like a mix of violins and Riverdance! But the monumental awfulness of that concept is not what this is about. While regaling us with the story of how moving it is to see violins on fire and people rigidly dance like they've got a pole up their ass, my mother said the following, "By the end of it, people were LITERALLY standing up and cheering.". My first thought was, "As opposed to figuratively standing up and cheering?".

Since then I've noticed many people 'literally' abusing that word to death. Many people seem to substitute it for 'Seriously' or 'actually'. That guy was literally driving the bus. I literally had to park my car before we ate dinner. And on and on.

But Mr. Scamboogah, you say, your use of quotes and commas tells everyone who reads this that you never graduated college and rarely read books unless they're chock full of pictures or written by a stand-up comedian. Yeah, well get your own blog you liberal elitist jerk! (runs away crying)


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

It Was His Fault For Trying To Express Himself Creatively

Oh, wait a minute. When I first heard about 'Not One Damn Dime Day', I just assumed it was a solidarity protest to support the guy that brutally gunned down DimeBag Darrell for contributing to the demise of Texas Speed-Metal pioneers Pantera.

As it turns out, it's much more of an 'anti-Bush' thing. And even though WalMart and any and all stores that sell Pork Cracklins and Nascar gear are unlikely to be affected, it's still an interesting thought:

Since our religious leaders will not speak out against the war in Iraq, since our political leaders don't have the moral courage to oppose it, Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in the U.S.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day" those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending.

During "Not One Damn Dime Day" please don't spend money. Not one damn dime for gasoline. Not one damn dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one damn dime for anything for 24 hours.

On "Not One Damn Dime Day" please boycott Walmart, KMart and Target. Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all for that matter).

For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down. The object is simple. Remind the people in power that the war in Iraq is immoral and illegal; that they are responsible for starting it and that it is their responsibility to stop it.

"Not One Damn Dime Day" is to remind them, too, that they work for the people of the United States of America, not for the international corporations and K Street lobbyists who represent the corporations and funnel cash into American politics.

"Not One Damn Dime Day" is about supporting the troops. The politicians put the troops in harm's way. Now 1,200 brave young Americans and (some estimate) 100,000 Iraqis have died. The politicians owe our troops a plan - a way to come home.

There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing agenda to rant about. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" you take action by doing nothing. You open your mouth by keeping your wallet closed.

For 24 hours, nothing gets spent, not one damn dime, to remind our religious leaders and our politicians of their moral responsibility to end the war in Iraq and give America back to the people.

Thanks to Chepooka and my aunt for the heads up.


Monday, January 03, 2005

Oooh, A Fat Sarchastic Conservative, You Must Be A Real Casanova With The Ladies...

"He who controls the spice, controls the universe"

They continued to hand out the McLaughlin Group's 'Year End' Awards last weekend. One that caught my attention was embodiment of everything slimy and evil Tony Blankley's choice for the '15 minutes of fame' award. This award goes to someone who undeservedly and without explanation got some fame over the course of the last year and will predictably fade away out of our minds and become the 'Korn' or Christian Slater of next year.

So who did Blankley pick? The 9/11 widows of course. I'm pretty tired of those annoying bitches myself. Yeah, we get it, your husbands died and you just want to make sure questions are at least asked of those who might be partly responsible. Well you got your half-assed responses, now FUCK OFF.

Even though odds are that Robert Novak will run away with the award for the 100th consecutive year, Tony certainly seems up to challenging him for 'Douchebag of the year' for 2005.


Sunday, January 02, 2005

SFist Reprint

A weekly attempt at keeping the homeland safe. Because if we don't spend every weekend getting drunk to the point of passing out in a corner booth, then the terrorists win. By your humble barrespondent, Drew.

NYE, The big year-ender, old lady turnover. Whatever you choose to call New Year's Eve, one thing is always the same each year, it's the biggest amateur night on the whole calendar. Every secretary, every salesman, every dull milktoast guy and gal that spends the rest of the year at home being good citizens comes out in full force on January 31st. Clogging every bridge, packing every BART car and making most of the city's bars and taverns virtually inaccessible. That's why it's the perfect weekend to stay home with a bottle. That's right, we say leave the t-ball game to the kids and spend the night with only the most select of friends 'training' for the upcoming year.

Let's face it, if you're really determined to go out and haven't picked a place yet, you're gonna be pretty much stuck with paying through the nose or winding up in a bar that's so crowded that it'll feel more like a prison break than anything resembling fun. So instead, why not grab a couple of cheap-ass bottles of Champagne (spend the extra $4 for Korbel, it's worth it) and watch the Twilight Zone marathon on TVLand? You'll wake up just as hungover, much less decimated financially and with a vague suspicion that 'To Serve Man' is not as nice a book as it sounds.

So this week's place is the liquor aisle at Safeway. Pick up some of the aforementioned bubbly, some Jameson's or Wild Turkey for earlier on, and maybe some triscuits and easy cheese in case any fancy guests stop by. As Donald Trump would say, "That's classy".

Liver... Outta here like last year.


Saturday, January 01, 2005

5% Of Your Milk Duds Purchase Goes Directly To Jesus

It's So Goddamn Hot. Milk Was A Bad Choice

Went to Cockblocker... er ... Blockbuster Video (Wow! There's no pornos!) yesterday for the first time in a while. The first thing I noticed is that they pretty much have shitcanned anything that's not a new release. So unless you want to see something with Jet Li or Josh Hartnett in it, you might be outta luck. It's also pretty clear that their hope is in the future to be known more as a candy and shitty snacks store than a place to rent movies. The neverending Disneyland style line you have to snake through to rent something is lined on both sides with every kind of lard n' chocolate product you can think of.

I always hate myself for patronizing Blockbuster. I feel like any money I give them is going straight into the fundies wallets, so I avoid it when possible. I mostly rent through NetFlix anyway, so hopefully by using them my money is going to anti-christian secularists who want to kill Santa Claus.

What did we rent? Anchorman with Will Ferrell. Much, much funnier than expected.