Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Laura Bush, heartless murderer

Oh sure, it may not as be as convoluted and fun to try and figure out as the Vince Foster killing, but as it turns out, America's constant reminder that women should be quiet and stay in the background.. er.. I mean, first Lady Laura Bush, has also murdered someone. Check it out here.

I can just see George and Laura in high school, getting all shitty on trashcan punch at the cheerleader party, staggering to their cars and driving off. It never crossed their mind to call a cab or get a friend to drive them home. After all, they had powerful friends, and even if they killed someone, it'd just get swept under the rug and they could use the opportunity to become judgemental born again christians and tell everyone else how to live.

So think about that the next time you see Laura Bush. Behind that utterly vacant, stupefyingly obedient stepford facade lies the heart of a real, honest to goodness killer.


Monday, August 30, 2004

T-shirts that rule


Burning Man presented by SunChips

Well it's time once again for that big 'underground' festival of Burning Man. A utopian festival of art and expression completely devoid of banks and credit cards and cash and all other trappings of 'the man'. A chance to experience what life might be like if everyone wasn't driven by greed and advertising and the desire to fit in with the herd and keep up with the Joneses.

Oh yeah, and this year it costs $350 to get in. No, not Three dollars and fifty cents, but THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!

The only other thing I can think of that people shell out that kind of money for is Tony Robbins seminars. At least with Robbins you know the money will at least afford you the opportunity to be put into a deep trance by staring at his unnaturally white teeth.

What do you get at Burning Man for your $350? The opportunity to hang out with all the programmers you just met at the Star Trek convention the week before? A chance to meet that guy who glues action figures to his car? A chance to get crushed to death by 'art' made by someone with a limited amount of carpentry experience? If you can afford to get in at all, I already know that you're about 350 times less interesting than most people.

And besides, the last time I checked my list of what's in 'Utopia', it had showers and a quality sushi bar.


Sunday, August 29, 2004

Do the World a Favor and Kill Yourself #2

The second in a series of people who contribute nothing to humankind and withdraw more from society than they could ever hope to deposit.


I might be terribly old fashioned, but I was under the obviously dunder-headed assumption that you join a gym to get in shape. So the fact that you park your behemoth, GMC Denali white trash HumVee across TWO handicapped spots so that you can be within waddling distance to the health club puzzles me to say the least.

You're probably such a huge asshole that you don't even think of your actions anymore. There's no sticker or placard marking your vehicle, and to watch you stride to your gas guzzling family truckster, there's obviously nothing preventing you from taking one of the parking spaces 20 or 30 feet further away.

I'm sure you've built an image in your head that you're way 'too busy' to adhere to simple decency, and figure that the odds are that a real handicapped person won't show up, so who does it hurt? The truth is it hurts everybody, because people like you who've managed to infllate their sense of self-importance to record setting levels cause even the most mundane aspects of living to be a complete pain in the ass. And that's just for other non-handicapped people!

The only time I ever find myself hoping that there's a God is when I see people like you. Because if there is, then I hope he's got a nice little 'accident' planned for you so that you can reap the harvest of selfish myopia that you have sewn into the earth.


Saturday, August 28, 2004

Wow! Garrison Keillor said something funny!

I always hated Garrison Keillor, but have to admit that that's probably in large part due to not being able to turn on public television for several years without seeing him reading his own stuff. His 'down home' delivery and 'retarded cheesehead' cadence always made me want to shoot out my television.

This column, however, sums up the current state of the republican party PERFECTLY.

A taste: The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk. Republicans: The No.1 reason the rest of the world thinks we're deaf, dumb and dangerous.


Friday, August 27, 2004

Two more Bar Reviews

In the interest of informing those of you in the Bay area, and infuriating those that aren't, here's a couple o' watering holes gone to recently.

The Arrow Bar on 6th just off Market. According to a friend of mine, this used to be the absolute worst part of the entire city of San Francisco. Super dangerous, full of junkies and strung out trannies. But now, thanks to 4 or 5 years of gentrification, it's just full of junkies. Cool bar though. Dark and seedy, with a big neon dragon behind the bartender.

Mauna Loa in the marina. 5 years ago, the marina used to be filled with yuppie douchebags who, if they weren't high fiving each other over the pool table, were talking as loud as possible about what great sales figures they had last month. Well, guess what? It's still exactly the same. The Mauna Loa remains a great space in a stomach churning neighborhood.



Thursday, August 26, 2004

The most cursed weekend ever

From now on, the weekend of September 24th - 26th will only be known as THE weekend. I am convinced that I have angered the entertainment gods and am being punished. But the entertainment gods, being very clever (most of them used to be TV sitcom writers), have chosen the form of punishment that they knew would bring me the most grief. "You like donuts? Then have ALL the donuts in the world!!!"

It seems as though everything I love, everything I would want to see or do, everything I would happily shell out cold hard cash to go see, HAS BEEN SCHEDULED FOR THE SAME WEEKEND. Here's a taste:

The Pixies play at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley

My friend Jim is getting married up near Mt. Shasta

Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, two of earth's funniest, are doing standup at the Independent in San Francisco

The Aussie Rules Football Grand Final, and the accompanying parties that go with it

Mitch Hedburg appearing with the not quite as funny Steven Lynch at the Warfield.

and finally, the one I'll actually be attending, AIR and Stereolab will be playing the Hollywood Bowl in L.A. with the L.A. Philharmonic Orchestra backing them up.

So I've gone from living in Bridgeport, Connecticut with absolutely squa-doosh to go see and do every weekend (unless I wanted to drive into NY, not drink and leave early), to having everything cool coincide together.

I suppose I should quit my bitchin'. In 5 years I could find myself living in Winnemucka Nevada, crossing my fingers that Daryl Worley will play the county fair.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

What the Hell is Sulu Up To?

I know, I know. This has been killing me too.

Well, whereas before the internet we would have to send out search parties or wait for him to kill the president or do something newsworthy, now we can know in the snap of a finger (provided of course you can snap your finger and operate a mouse at the same time).

Warp Speed!!


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The Story that Needs to be Told

The shameful truth is finally out. Check out this site devoted to taking a closer look at George W. Bush's medals...


Monday, August 23, 2004

Time to Play RV or Dildo!!

Yep, it's America's greatest new game. As much fun to play on the road as it is at home with your family. It's RV or Dildo. Just try and guess whether each one of these words is the name of an RV (motor home, trailer, camper) or a big throbbing vein-laden snatch fillin' dildo.

Got it? Then let's get it goin';

The Woody

The Magna

The Commando

The Intruder

The Champ

The Prowler Regal

and finally, The Emperor

Now check your scores! If you got them all right, then you don't ever have to worry about having a 5 ton recreational vehicle driven up your ass...


Sunday, August 22, 2004

Time to Draw a Line in the Sand

What better day than the day of our lord to try and decide between two horribly disgusting websites. More so than the upcoming fixed election, I believe this to be the most important decision you will make this year.

First up, Hobos...

Next up, Helicopter

Also, check out this website trying to get Ronnie James Dio elected president



Saturday, August 21, 2004

The State of Pop Culture Address

I am genuinely worried about the direction that popular culture is going. Sure, some people may worry about the defecit or taxes or the war on terror, but that's all bullshit. We may look back and laugh about bad presidents or unjust wars, but we'll be remembered by future generations as they look upon our entertainment.

American pop culture definitely works in cycles. For every couple years of really interesting, intelligent and insightful material, there's 10 years or so of awful, bubblegum-shit pop music accompanied by prop comics smashing fruit and doing Jack Nicholson impressions.

To illustrate, think of the late 60s and early 70s. Musically, a lot of thought was put behind the music. Even a group that started out as poppy as the Beatles had to quit smiling, smoke a mountain of weed and start writing shit that made people think (sort of). Comics like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin pushed the boundaries and forced people to redefine what was acceptable. This limped through the 70s, we elected Reagan, and then the bottom dropped out.

Some people, myself included, are ferocious defenders of the 1980s. And there truly was great stuff created in the 80s. What people have to remember, however, is that no one was buying New Order albums. People who listened to the Cure or the Smiths were freaks. Everybody was busy rushing to Tower to get Bon Jovi, Warrant, Lita Ford, etc. And standup comedy? It was the peak of popularity for Gallagher, Yakov Smirnoff and younger more irritating versions of Robin Williams and Jim Carrey. I'd love to say mediocrity held sway, but calling the 80s mediocre is generous.

So along come the 90s and the pendulum finally swings the other way for a little bit. We get grunge (which idiots like to make fun of today), edgy comics like Bill Hicks and lots and lots of sarcasm. Generation X becomes undefinable, something that corporations can't sell to, and therefore, public enemy number one. Pepsi and Coke know that they have to destroy this 'individualist' fad, and they find ready allies in white trash kids from the south who want to be famous (Britney, Christina, Backstreet boys), and hair metal losers that lost their jobs (Metallica, Vince Neil).

But how is this coalition of the awful going to destroy the current culture? It suddenly occurs to them, NOSTALGIA! So all the forces of evil team up with the most evil entity of them all, VH1, and begin a long process of saturating the world with so much 'retro' that it doesn't even know what's current. Combine that with electing Bush again (Is it 2000 or 1990?), starting a war, tanking the economy. Suddenly thoughtful entertainment isn't so high on America's priorities anymore is it?

And that brings us to today and why I'm so worried. In times of trouble, when there's a complete douchebag in the white house and things everywhere look grim, people turn to the Carrot Tops of the world for comedy, they turn to Good Charlotte for their punk music, they turn to Fear Factor on TV. No one wants to think, they don't even want to be entertained. People just want to be distracted, and there's a million awful acts waiting in the wings to do just that. Every city in this country has two morning DJs that have been waiting 15 years for the pendulum to swing. Now sit back and watch the rest of the country fill their pockets with money for making Al-Quada jokes.

And then, over the course of the next few years, the 90s will look more and more like the Howard Dean campaign. Good enough to get everyone's hopes up, but then destroyed by evil people that don't see how they can make money off of it.


Friday, August 20, 2004

Does the Pope Shit in the Woods?

I'm off to Lassen Volcanic National Park for the weekend, but I've taken my faithful audience (Freitas) into account and written a few blasts ahead of time.

Of course, this could all turn out horribly wrong like in the movie 'Capricorn One'. What if I die on Saturday, and there's a post out there for Sunday? Then everyone will know it's fake and they'll have to send the black helicopters after me. Save me OJ! I love that movie. Peter Hyams best work (yes, even better than The Presidio!). If I won the lottery today, I would start pre-production tomorrow on a sequel and get the original cast (James Brolin, Sam Waterston, and OJ Simpson)... Oh wait, Elliot Gould is dead. Ah screw it, wouldn't be the same without Gould...


Thursday, August 19, 2004

More than Just a Beer Commercial

Click Here for a great bit from Bob Odenkirk, half of the infamous 'Mr. Show with Bob and David' and probably more recognizable these days as the spokesperson for Miller Beer.

Although it's mainly about crabbery like Andy Rooney, this piece could just as easily apply to 95% of the blogs I read (including my own).


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

If you can read this, you're alright

I live above a mall that you could politely refer to as 'urban'. Impolitely, ghetto. Basically a one-stop shopping center for Cedric The Entertainer suits, high heeled converse sneakers, cheap gold medallions and counterfeit Fubu. That said, let me assure you that the following has nothing to do with race, color or creed.

Every Tuesday this mall is closed. I know this because all the lights are out, the doors are locked and there's massive signs painted on every door that say 'Closed Tuesdays'. Some of you probably already know where I'm going with this. I might be outside the front of my building for a grand total of about 15 minutes on any given Tuesday, but I bet I'm asked an average of 4 or 5 times, "What's up with the store? How do I get in? Why are the lights out?". All while looking through the sign painted on the door explaining everything they need to know. Usually when I inform them of what's happening, the response is something along the lines of "Well, Ain't that a bitch" and they walk away. A few times, however, my word and all the physical evidence just aren't good enough and they go try the other doors or try and get in through my apartment entrance.

Now truth is, this really doesn't bother me that much. It's certainly not the end of the world to take 30 seconds out of my day. But to me it's just kind of depressing. Learning to read basic signs is the least we ask of people as a civilization. Once you learn to make meaning out of simple words and phrases like 'closed', 'stop' and 'rape is bad', you are halfway home to not being a burden on the rest of the world.

I know that illiteracy is a terrible problem and that there are lots of other factors that come into play, but if it were you, wouldn't you force the issue just a little? Wouldn't you grow tired of being confused and scratching your head constantly?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to studying the elementary spanish I've been too lazy to learn for the last 15 years.


Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Midget Tossing

Just watching the Olympics and I have to ask. Why are there weight classifications in boxing, wrestling and weight lifting but not in any other sport?

It doesn't make any sense to me at all. There aren't 'height classifications' in basketball, or 'strength classifications' in football. Have I missed the 5'5" and shorter basketball league?

There was just some guy doing weightlifting from Turkey that's 4'11". Four Foot Eleven! That this guy can clear an empty bar over is head is something to see, but the world shouldn't be giving him a gold medal for it. I'm all for equal rights and blah blah blah, but seeing midgets do the clean and jerk is just silly, because you know that there are people 4 times their size who could clean and jerk that same midget right out of the building.

Guess what midgets... There's shit you can't do! Actually, I should rephrase that. You can do anything, but if you have to have special divisions to win, you're not the best! I myself am 6 1/2 feet tall, and I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never be a jockey, never race sportscars and never be an astronaut. I'm not running around insisting that they make a 'large man horseracing league' for big guys to race clydesdales. That would just be stupid.

Now before you get your brow all furrowed and start shaking your fist at the screen, remember, this isn't the special Olympics, it's the Olympics Olympics. If it's unfair to discriminate against some Ecuadorian boxer just because he's 5'2" and 105 pounds, than it's equally unfair to discriminate against his cleft-palleted mongoloid brother who thinks monsters live in his sippy cup. Where's his division?

Another built in advantage to getting rid of this nonsense is that it would stop people from using phrases like 'pound for pound he's the best fighter in the world'. That's just another way of saying, "A much larger man would beat the living shit out of him, but provided he's in the ring with another dwarf, he's great". You know, inch for inch, the Philippines are the best basketball players in the world, but put them up against Kevin Garnett and he'll beat those Pinoys down like Bing Crosby at a family reunion.

If you're going to have a sport, have a sport. I have no problem having mens and womens versions of each sport, but that's where the seperation should end. If I'm going to generate a slight amount of interest for your sport, I want to know one question. Who is the best? That's it! All the other variables you could possibly throw in there just turn it into 'everybody gets a medal day'.


Monday, August 16, 2004

I can't wait for the beheadings!!

Check out this fantastic article that very convincingly makes the tie between conservatism and aristocracy. I know it's long. Truth is I've only made it through about half of it myself...

Here it is.

It's all true, and drives home my point that if you are not super rich, and you still consider yourself to be conservative, there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You're either laboring under the pipedream belief that trickle down economics works or are just too cynical or afraid to accept the idea that human beings could actually run their own lives.

In other news, did anyone catch that fucking wingnut Alan Keyes on Stephanapolous' show last weekend? Not only did he sing church hymns during the interview, not only did he continue to call Barack Obama's free choice views 'akin to slavemaster thinking', he then went on to say that he's a better black man because he descended from slaves and Obama didn't. Cause we all know how cushy and sweet it is to live in Africa. It's so much harder to be 6 generations removed from slavery than 1 generation removed from Kenya. Anyway, point is, he's fucking nuttier than ever.


Sunday, August 15, 2004

Rock you like a Hurricane

Sucks to be in the path of Charley and if you were affected, my heart goes out to you. Of course, this was true before the hurricane as well.


Saturday, August 14, 2004

Feed me Seymour!

Went up to the wine country with Mike, Tara and Jeff yesterday and our first stop was in Sebastapol at this nursery called 'California Carnivores' that specializes in plants that eat bugs and shit. It was a really cool place with lots of scary looking plants. Mike bought several and arranged to have them shipped back to his rape shed in Rhode Island.

We then did some wine tasting at Rodney Strong, Christopher Creek and Limerick something-or-other. All three were very good with Christopher Creek having the best wine and the friendliest staff.

After a day of driving around drinking wine, it was of course time for proper boozing that evening. Went to Martuni's, Casanova and a great new place called Cama that used to be Doctor Bombay's. And for some reason, after sampling 12 different kinds of wine, having a vodka martini, a chocolate martini and 4 or 5 beers, I was hungover as shit this morning.


Friday, August 13, 2004

Boone's Farm Strawberry!

Off to go ruin wine country for everyone today. Jeff had the idea of going in costume as ren-fair people asking each winery if we could 'sup on today's most delightful grape product this fine morrow', but instead I think we settled on dressing as Star Wars characters.


Thursday, August 12, 2004

Do the World a Favor and Kill Yourself #1

The first in a series of people who contribute nothing to humankind and withdraw more from society than they could ever hope to deposit.


We all live in a wonderful age where, thanks to advances in technology and mechanics, even fairly loud noises can be 'muffled' and 'contained'. These evolutional leaps forward are of little use to this particular asshole, however. In fact if he had the time, I'm sure he would love to visit every person in the city one-by-one, bring his muscled out Harley inside their apartment and crank it up until their ears bleed.

Unfortunately, I have this bizzare personality trait wherein I am aware of those around me. I, like a complete pussy, realize that as cool as I think my motorcycle is, and as much as I want everyone to know that I'm a badass motherfucker that won't conform to society's 'rules', I still think that other people's right to watch TV without having to pause it every 5 minutes and hold on to any fragile objects near shelves supercedes my right to unoriginally wave my cock around.

Did your parents really screw you up that much? Are you so starved for attention that you think if you quietly drive by and not fuck up our days and nights that the world is just going to forget that you exist? I might have considered cutting you some slack, thinking that was your only choice for transportation, but then you start doing laps in the parking lot just to be an asshole and make sure everyone in the zip code knows what loud noises you can make.

The only thing I enjoy about your existence is knowing that, statistically, you'll be dead or badly injured soon. That some soccer mom won't check her blind spot and you and your $20,000 worth of muffler-free madness will have to be scraped off the pavement and buried in a Glad bag. So enjoy yourself, Super Loud Biker Guy with Stereo Blasting, and keep an eye peeled out for broomsticks that might 'accidentally' get shoved into your front wheel as you ride by.

P.S. The picture is just some random guy stolen from the internet. So chances are he's not one of the people I'm specifically talking about. In fact, he's probably a really nice guy who wouldn't bother driving all across the country just to kick my ass...


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Tips on Vomit-guarding your Television...

From the 'news you already know' department, the GOP convention coming up is going to be horrendous. Just read this little blurb about the guy in charge of the 'entertainment';

"And so the party hired Mr. Breeden, a former president of the Gospel Music Association renowned in the Christian music industry, to help produce a show that carefully weaves the party's political message with a mix of music, star power and patriotic symbolism."

So get ready for a solid week of church and state, together again, just like the good old days of pre-revolutionary America, before that stupid constitution tried to create a country with religeous freedom (even if you don't believe in Jesus!).

On a slightly different note, Bill Clinton was on the Daily Show the other night and said something that I found just amazing. Responding to the dirty tactics used by the 'Smear Boat Veterans' group, he mentioned that awhile back, a Republican senator told him, "Of course we have to run dirty, If we play fair, we lose". Just let that sink in for a second. This guy's not saying that the republican party's ideas are bad or that democratic ideas are better, he's saying that THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THAT YOU HAVE TO TRICK THEM INTO DOING THE RIGHT THING. Facts will only cloud their judgement and make them vote for Democrats. Of course, he's dead on correct, but it's amazing that someone would have the guilded brass balls to say it.

This goes right back to an original point I made that most republicans are very insecure people. At the heart of their being, they believe that you have to lie, cheat and steal to make it. They use phrases like 'All's fair in love and war', and 'It's just business'. They know that when you have no personality and no marketable talents, the only way to fill the gaping void in your soul is to stuff it with money you've stolen from other people.

If you are that bitter, hopeless and hate-filled towards the public, do me a favor, DON'T RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE. Go work at the DMV or sell used cars or go somewhere we expect to find incompetence and anger stuffed into cheap suits.


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

I got nothin'...

I am completely uninspired today, so enjoy this picture that made me laugh.


Monday, August 09, 2004

Stupid Hippies

Apparently over the weekend, some group of jackasses made a fake video of a guy being beheaded to see if they could get the big news services to pick it up. It worked, and for a few hours on Saturday, AP and Reuters both believed to have footage of some soldier getting his head chopped off. Read all about it in the Chron, here.

Kudos to these thick-headed fucking idiots for setting back their own 'cause' another 10 years or so.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they were trying to show the pervasive laziness and poor reporting that passes for news these days, but do you really think Joe 6-pack is running down to Borders to pick up Noam Chomsky books because of your little stunt? Aren't there about a million better ways you could have made this point? Now all you've done is made a lot of people pissed off that may have joined you and taken up your cause.

These are probably the same dickheads who fuck up every peace protest by muddling it with bullshit about Mumia and legal weed and a hundred other issues that the bulk of the people there don't give a fuck about, thereby making the activist left look like a bunch of disorganized college dropouts looking for another excuse to smoke pot outdoors. You are your own worst enemy, you stupid patchouli-stinkin' dirt people, and every day it's not 1969 anymore, you do more harm to your causes than good.


Sunday, August 08, 2004

Looo Eeee

Going to see one of my all time favorite comedians tonight at Cobb's in San Francisco. Saw Louis CK about 2 years ago at the Comedy Cellar in New York and he freakin' brought the house down. He's written for the Chris Rock show, Conan OBrien and for Cedric the Entertainer. He also wrote and directed Pootie Tang!

I'm pretty sure it won't sell out as the new Cobb's is friggin huge, so if you're in town, go see him dammit!


Saturday, August 07, 2004

I'm dead bitch

RIP Superfreak.


Friday, August 06, 2004

Tell 'em where you been with a T-shirt!!

I don't know about you, but I have to believe in something pretty strongly before I seek it out in 'T-shirt form'. For instance, the other day at a local Carl's Jr., I saw a rather out of shape, mostly toothless woman standing around wearing a shirt depicting a Latino gentleman carrying his comically large stomach around in a wheelbarrow. The shirt was emblazoned with the witty warning, "NO TEQUILA, NO FUCKING WORK...". Now that's obviously something that woman felt passionate about and god bless her for being so forthright about her alcoholism.

If I'm going to go to the trouble and expense of tracking down someone who's crystalized my political/sports beliefs into a logo or slogan that fits nicely across the chest, it's gonna be something I'm passionate about. For instance, a long time ago I had a t-shirt from Akron University. I'd never attended, didn't know anyone who attended, and had no intention of ever going there. The word Akron, however, is funny, and I honestly believed that.

That said, check out this page of racist, hate filled, Nascar-ready wear. My personal favorite is 'Nuke the Moon', funny if you're 10...and from 1975...and I mean really soiling yourself nonstop retarded...


Thursday, August 05, 2004

Obligatory Michael Moore Post

I just have to ask the right wing something. Do you have any legitimate criticisms about Michael Moore other than 'Ha ha, he's fat'?

Click here for a 'hilarious' expose of that 'elitist', 'lying', and 'oh, did I mention fat?' Michael Moore

Once you get past this guy's hilarious satire, and halfway through some awful, reaching at straws attempt to portray Michael Moore as a bigoted, wealthy liar along the same lines as, say, Dick Cheney, he then mentions rather off-handedly that he has no intention of ever seeing Farenheit 9/11. He did however make it through 'as much of Columbine as he could stomach'. It must be so painful to live your life becoming physically ill when you're not being spoon fed information you already know and agree with.

I guess the thing I don't understand is, if Michael Moore is such a monster, where were all these people before he took on Bush? I mean, if this guy's a child molesting, fundamentalist muslim that hates the working class almost as much as he hates black people, you would think people would have risen up and thrown him in jail by now.

The other thing that always confuses me is, given that most documentary film-makers NEVER make any money doing it, why would this corpulent, greedy, racist and hate-filled man choose documentaries to make his evil, evil fortune? Why would he then continue to make movies that clearly Disney thought no one wanted to see? Why not just continue to write books from his 'upper west side palace' that he stands atop, emerging only to go stuff himself silly at Tavern on the Green or dump hot oil on his doorman and laugh.

Let me just say this to the right wing. Your hatred is only making Michael Moore richer and giving him a larger voice. Much in the same way that attacking Kerry's war record is only serving to remind people that GW spent that same part of his life doing lines of coke off of his national guard flight manual. So, in other words, keep it up!


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Who cares?

Yesterday, my wife Teri mentions this blog and that she showed it to some people at work. In particular the entry a couple of weeks ago about the difficulty in opening cereal boxes. She then asks, in a way I'm sure meant as nothing but loving support, "Doesn't it seem weird that anyone would care to read about such dull minutia?".

I really wasn't sure how to answer this question. I suppose it IS strange that anyone would give a shit that I had trouble getting into my Cinnamon Life one morning. I mean I thought I had sort of diffused that a little by putting a picture of whiney Mcbitch-a-lot Andy Rooney next to the article, but in the end, it's still a pretty insignificant event I suppose.

But then it occurred to me that it takes about 45 seconds for the average reader to get through each of these blurbs, and I'm not charging money to read it, and it's really just an open forum to make me feel like I've gotten my smartass comment about this-or-that out into the world for the day, so fuck it. I don't as of now have any plans to mass market this thing. The target audience for this thing is men, my age, who are me (line stolen from Andy Kindler).

So let the irony soak in like butter on corn, a comment about minutia has lead to more minutia. And the circle of life has come 'round again.


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Things I'll miss about Connecticut

Yeah, just recently got done serving a 3 year bid in the 'nutmeg state' (without ever having nutmeg) and thought I'd list off some of the things I will miss about living there;

1) the weather - yes it's oppressive, winters never end, the sweltering heat of summer seems endless, but at least it changes. It probably won't feel much like Christmas when it's 75 degrees outside and you can still see the ground. Of course, by the time April rolls around and it's still 5 degrees and snowing out, you've had enough of old man winter.

2) ordering a 'wedge' in Stamford, a 'sub' in Bridgeport, and a 'roll' in Waterbury. It's all the same sandwich! How's that for wacky? Just don't call it a Hoagie or people'll think you're wicked queer.

3) Nothing else! Connecticut is the U.S. version of pergatory. It's a pain in the ass to get to NYC, a pain in the ass to get to Boston, and a pain in the ass to get to the pretty parts of New England like Vermont. Plus it's populated with a grating, awful mix of uber-wealthy douchebags (Greenwich, Ridgefield) , complete dullards (Hartford, Newtown), hopeless poverty (Bridgeport, New Haven), and Northeastern rednecks (Branford, Guilford).

So in the unlikely scenario that you are presented with an opportunity to move to Connecticut, let me just say, don't....


Monday, August 02, 2004

Givin my Liver the Business, again.

Last Saturday, in a desperate attempt to stay as far away from any place that was in the Guardian's latest 'best of the bay' issue, we went to a house party, the Lone Palm on 22nd & Guerrero and the Liberties (formerly Cafe Babar) right across the street.

For an earlier hangout (7-9pm), the Lone Palm can't be beat. Dark, swanky, tablecloths (in the mission?). The jury's still out on Liberties, however. Probably the last thing San Francisco needs is another Irish bar that's not really Irish, and Babar had a nice vibe to it. You could just hang out, play pool and drink hot sake all night without being pressured into ordering fish and chips or shepards pie.

Have to mention a couple places gone to on friday as well. Stopped by Il Pirata on 16th & Potrero. Nice little dive. Then was off to Dylan's, a welsh bar on 19th & Folsom which still hasn't built a shrine to Catherine Zeta-Jones yet. Then went to a newer place called Bender's on 19th & VanNess. I like the vibe a lot. Sort of a combination of Zeitgeist's and an australian surfer bar. Really nice staff as well. Then it was on for one drink at Cha Cha Cha on Mission and on to the Rickshaw stop. Both places are recommended, although Cha Cha is pretty overpriced and is a real 'scene' at times.

Oh well, that's it for this edition of 'This Old Liver'...


Sunday, August 01, 2004

I blame Quarterflash!

Was there a law on the books back in the early 80s that required EVERY song to have a shitty saxophone solo in it? From Glenn Frey to the Pointer Sisters, from Phil Collins to Steve Winwood, it's all about the alto sax. And in all their music it's probably played by the same piano tie and rayban wearin' guy acting like playing his instrument is akin to whipping out the world's biggest cock for everyone to marvel at.

Luckily, before music as we know it was utterly destroyed, multiple abuses by people like Bonnie Raitt, Mister Mister and 'Got my Mind Set on You' by George Harrison completely killed the 'golden age' of stupid sax solos.