Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The Robertson Code

"And then Orangutans will storm the Vatican. It's all right there on your dollar bill. "

I've done it! I think I've stumbled upon the most important discovery since Jonas Salk used X-Rays to invent Polio (I told you I never graduated). I've uncovered the formula that will lead to the destruction of Pat Robertson (wait for cheering to die down).

Here it is: RND=A+T, R=Robertson, ND=Nonsensical Delusions, A=Media Attention and T=Time. So therefore, if we can INCREASE the amount of time and attention that Pat receives, he will eventually become so meglomaniacal and shit-house rat-crazy that he will just CEASE TO EXIST (wait for murmuring and gasps to quiet).

Think back when Pat first rose to relevance. Every year that he became more visible politically, he said weirder and weirder things. Then came the failure of the contract with America and the hedonistic 90s. With 'Big Dick Clinton in the White House, men and women couldn't walk down the street without getting their cock sucked by another guy and a forced abortion, respectively. As Mr. Robertson was subsequently ignored, he seemed to make more and more sense. Or at least didn't sound like a fucking mental patient on a daily basis.

Then came the new millenium, gay marriage, the mandate, and finally a wave of earthquake powered water that consumed 150,000 lives. So what does Pat say from his 'position of power'? What postive contribution will he make to the world?

"And it’s not God’s do. It was one of those things, like a hurricane. It’s a natural release of heat in the atmosphere. And if people choose to live along the coastlines in dangerous areas, they are in trouble, just like people who live on the San Andreas fault in California.

The big one, one day is going to come. And they’re going to be—but you can’t blame God for your foolishness. If you want to live there, that’s too bad."

Just remember that the next time a tornado touches down and rips your red state asunder. It's YOUR fault for living near danger. It's YOUR fault for not moving into a spider hole. It's YOUR fault, so God and the rest of the world owe you nothing. Fuck off Southeast Asia, oh yeah and praise the Lord!

But I digress. The point is this. Everyone should watch MORE and MORE of the 700 club, send Pat email telling him how great he is. If we can increase his sense of self-worth just a little bit, he'll be sacrificing goats and eating his co-hosts in no time.



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