Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

You're Excited!? Feel These Nipples!!

Who did you think it was gonna be? Taylor Coppenrath?

Talk about your no-brainers, this week Sports Illustrated's Man/men/woman/Corporate Logo of the Year was the BoSox. Certainly deserved, as when I think back upon the sports memories that really stick out for me, the ones where I can remember where I was 'Kennedy Assasination' style, this year's run by the Sox is right up there.

So in chronological order, here are my favorite lifetime sports moments:

1) 1979 - Sonics win 1st and only NBA title - I specifically remember, at 9 years old, running out in the middle of the street and going ape-shit for a little while. Okay, sure, I didn't tip over a police car, but this was suburban Seattle, not 8-fuckin-mile.

2) 1980 - Do You Believe In Miracles? - Well, not as such, as I personally think God and Jesus is a bunch of bullshit. But watching that scrappy bunch of New England drunks beat those uppity Russians who had the nerve to at one time desire a society that left no one out and frowned on the concept of the 'greedy asshole' was close enough to divine intervention for me.

3) Mid-80s - Bird Stole the Ball and that bastard Magic's sissy running hook - I'll defer to the much better writing of Chuck Klosterman in his book "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" wherein he basically breaks down the Celtics-Lakers matchups of the 80s as fully defining who you are on every level. A must read.

4) 1992 - Laettner's shot to beat Kentucky - The mushroom's had just kicked in. That's really all I need to say. The only other two things I remember from that night are Thomas Hill crying like a girl at a Duran Duran concert and eventually drinking Yarder beers in Westwood, California. Holy fuck I miss drugs (Oh wait, did I say that or just think it?).

5) 1993 - Nolan Ryan's final game - Due to the dumb 'dorm room selection process' luck of being paired up with a completely hateable sports geek with no friends, I got tickets to see Nolan Ryan pitch against the California Angels shortly after moving into the dorms at Long Beach State University. It wasn't scheduled to be his last start, but he got injured during the game and it wound up being the last time he would ever pitch. Not terribly important to me on a personal level, but impresses sports geeks with no friends something fierce. Thanks to that same sports geek, I got tickets to see the Oakland A's play against the Angels in Oakland and was nearly killed by a foul ball from Dave 'Hendu' Henderson.

6) 1994 - Sonics lose to Nuggets in first round - As soon as the Sonics appeared on Sports Illustrated as the 'team to beat' I should have known it was all over. That image of Dikembe (7 languages, none of them well) Mutombo clutching the ball is forever burned in my brain.

7) 1994 - Brazil beats Sweden, World Cup Quarterfinal - I didn't have tickets, but was on the streets of Pasadena, California as 100,000 elated Brazilians stormed the streets in musical ecstacy. I think I was trapped under a 100 square foot Brazilian flag slowly moving down Colorado Street for about an hour. It was like 4 hits of ecstacy fucked Brazilian independence day and cut it with the security of knowing that the uber-racist L.A. police would break things up if the brown-skinned people got out of control. Fun as fuck. The Italian team had just won as well, so it was quite the culture clash of drunken bastards.

8) 1994 - New York Rangers beat Vancouver Canucks - Never having a real hockey team growing up in Seattle, the Canucks were the closest thing. But when I moved to New York to go to school in 1989, I adopted the loveable loser Rangers as my own. I suppose in retrospect if the Canucks hadn't always had such awful uniforms I may have felt differently, but the red, white and blueshirts appealed to the jingoistic patriot in me and it seemed like one of those RedSox type teams that you could root for forever without looking like a bandwaggoner since they never won. But this year they did win and I ran out onto 3rd avenue in Long Beach, California and pumped my fist for awhile. Strangely enough, no one in Long Beach cared.

9) 1996 - Mariners beat Yankees on Martinez hit in the 9th - watched it alone for fear of jinxing it in any way. Punched myself in the face celebrating when Griffey slid under the tag. What a dork.

10) 2004 - Schilling's game 6 versus the Yankees - Until he started opening his pie-hole about his love for jesus and George Bush, Curt Schilling was the most awe-inspiring motherfucker that had ever walked the earth. The man put what might as well have been 200 years of pressure on his back and carried it on his fucked up ankle for 7 innings. Now that's balls. I sometimes think the stitches were purposefully done poorly so he could cash in on the whole 'red sox' thing.

10a) 2004 - Keith Foulke's final inning against the Cardinals - There's no one, NO ONE who'd ever seen the RedSox play that thought the series was over until shortly after that ball rolled back to Foulke. As much as you wanted to concede that a Cardinals comeback was impossible, so was a RedSox comeback 2 weeks earlier, and after all, this was the RedSox as well. Seeing them pour onto the field was truly incredible, and I don't think I'll ever forget where I was and what I was doing. I was drunk and sitting on my couch. On second thought, I probably will forget it, but I'll make up something much cooler to take it's place.

Honorable mention goes to half a dozen NCAA tournament moments such as; James Forrest beating USC watching at Legend's Sports bar in Santa Monica, filled with USC fans. Princeton beating UCLA watching at Rich's Sports bar in San Francisco. And several more that only come to mind with the right combination of booze, music and the sound of Brent Musberger.


Monday, November 29, 2004

A Planet Where Lizards Evolved From Men?

If you ever consider taking a trip to Arizona, save yourself the airfare or countless hours of driving and take a handful of dirt and just ram it into your face and eat it. We've been back for almost 12 hours now and my eyes and sinuses still feel like they were 'antiqued' on that old jackass show (remember Johnny Knoxville? Boy, that takes me back).

One of my favorite discoveries was a small plank that someone had placed in one of those makeshift coffee-can ashtrays filled with dirt. It was explained to me that if you don't put a board inside of it, that lizards will crawl inside the can and then die when they can't crawl out. When even the lizards are trying to commit suicide, you've probably picked the wrong place to 'relax'.

As I said before, unless you consider pink and turquoise to be primary colors and enjoy watching fat, middle aged christians shop for devalued mexican pottery to cram into their massive Scottsdale spanish colonial snobbitoriums, then you need never drive down Interstate 19 to soak in the cut-and-paste tribute to faux Spanexicanism known as Tubac, Arizona.

It was nice to see the family though.


Sunday, November 28, 2004

SFist Reprint

A weekly bar review column mostly transcribed from stuff carved into the walls of the mens room.

This week's bar is, in our drunken opinion, one of the best in the world. It's been great for years and doesn't seem to have ever had a time in its history where it was over-crowded or far too empty. It stands as a shining example of watering hole perfection, seemingly stuck in time serving drinks to a great mix of people. We love this place. I'm sure at this point we've oversold it, haven't we? Oh well.

The Uptown on 17th and Capp sits perfectly wedged between the 'packed with bridge and tunnel-types' Mission and the 'You might not want to touch that' area of Capp Street. The crowd reflects this and seems to somehow remain at a constant full level and never turns into a mess like the Elbo Room or Delerium. If you can't find a seat, one will usually open up within a beer or two, and the wait for a game of pool is rarely over 1/2 an hour or so.

They've always had really good luck with bartenders at the Uptown as well. In the 10 years we've been going there, as each great drink jockey leaves, they seem to be replaced by someone equally cool. They're always friendly, never short-tempered and pour their more-than adequate selection of beers and spirits with great skill. Combine these elements with a bathroom wall full of some of the best graffiti in the city and it all comes together for one of the best spots in town.

So if you need to drown out the conversations that keep repeating in your head since Thanksgiving dinner, check out the Uptown.

Liver... Out!!


Saturday, November 27, 2004

Buenos Ding Dong Diddly Dias

Off to Nogales, Mexico. I heard you can get a magical kind of silver jewelry there that turns a beautiful green after 2 months!

More legitimate slightly less half-assed posts to come!


Friday, November 26, 2004

Dress Your Family In Turtlenecks And Denim

After two days, I can safely say that southern Arizona may in fact lead the entire world in the consumption and adornment of Denim.


Thursday, November 25, 2004

Official Thanksgiving Time Killer

Special thanks to Jesus' General for this wonderful site.

Anything from this site will make a lovely Christmas present for me, thank you. Especially "Lock & Load Jesus".


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Standing On A Corner in Tubac, Arizona

Off to see mom and pop today. They used to live in a small town in Mexico populated with drunks and people on the run from Johnny law, but now live in southern Arizona.

Conveniently located equi-distant from an Indian casino and the Mexican border, Tubac is one of those Santa-Fe/Taos ripoffs that seems to have sprung up all over the southwest as the dirty hippie baby boomers begin to retire en masse. Unless you can't get enough of dreamcatchers and paintings of indians on horseback, don't feel like you have to see Tubac before you die.

I am looking forward to taking a day trip down to Mexico though. I'm just about out of Chiclets and some of my panchos are getting a bit tattered.


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

A Return To The Heady Days Of Bernie Goetz

You throw-a you drink, I break-a you face.

I listen to a lot of sports radio and have finally reached my boiling point with people calling in to defend the actions of Ron Artest and Stephan Jackson during last Friday's mayhem in the otherwise happy, polite little hamlet known as Detroit.

Memo to each and every jackass that's been using the analogy, "Hey, if someone came to where I worked and threw a beer on me, I'd kick their ass too". You are an idiot. You are everything wrong with society in the first place and you should put a gun in your mouth immediately. Try thinking before you open your stupid, reactionary trap just once, please.

A more accurate analogy would be if you were sitting in your cubicle at work and a drink came in from the direction of the accounting department and hit you in the head. You then respond by running over to the accounting department and punching the first person you see. Any idiot would acknowledge that that is moronic, and that you would then spend the next several days in jail. But that would be OK because you dealt out your 'justice' Chuck Norris-style on someone who may or may not have deserved it.

I think Ron Artest is a great basketball player. He's a monster on defense and is the closest thing the game's got to a Dennis Rodman-like presence right now. It's a tradgedy that he won't be playing anymore this year. Same goes in the shorter term for Jermaine O'Neal and Stephan Jackson. They're all good. But make no mistake, David Stern HAD to dish out heavy punishment to these guys. It doesn't matter what the crowd is doing, the players CANNOT be allowed to go after fans in the stands EVER. It is security's job to get unruly fans out of the building. And if they're not doing it, the players can refuse to play at a certain stadium, complain to their union, raise holy hell every fucking day. But the day that you condone anything close to what happened on friday is the day that you kill the NBA. If the only people that come to basketball games are jackasses that want to throw shit on the court, you might as well move them into a small theatre and call it performance art. The league would sell about 50 tickets to each game and each player would make about $20 a night.

Just ask yourself, how much different would the sports world look if Jackie Robinson had run up into the stands and pummelled the shit out of any one of the thousands of slack-jawed yokels who shouted the N-word at him?

UPDATE: The guy that chucked the beer at Artest was interviewed on TV this morning. Apparently, drinking any beer at all violates his probation for THREE D.U.I.s!!! I can just imagine what was going on in his head. "Boy, I sure don't want anyone to notice me pounding this beer, otherwise I'll go back to jail. I'd better get rid of it discreetly. I know, I'll THROW IT at the most UNSTABLE FUCKNUT IN ALL OF SPORTS." You are a genius.


Monday, November 22, 2004

They Ain't Neutral About Gettin' All Baked

If you ask the 'value voters' that stopped having sex with their sisters long enough to come out and give Bush a mandate a couple weeks ago, liberal devil-worshippers are destroying this country with their tolerant views toward homosexuality and drugs.

Well according to a new study, Swiss kids are the most drug-addled out of all of Europe, just ahead of England and Spain. The Netherlands, where, last time I checked, pot has been legal for awhile now, ranked only 'average' in use.

When will the idiots in the religious right (and idiots in the left who believe in the war on drugs) clue in and realize that their 'slippery slope' argument is complete and total bullshit and that when you legalize and tax drugs (like alcohol and tobacco) you remove the criminal element associated with them and generate revenue for campaigns to treat and stop new use?

Are there really people left on this planet that don't understand this?


Sunday, November 21, 2004

SFist Reprint

Staggering Through Fog, a weekly attempt at piecing together what may or may not have happened at the bars of San Francisco recently.

Cover charges always make us suspicious. If a place wants cash up front, there's usually a pretty good chance that they don't deserve it. Just once, we'd like to see a place that time stamps your hand and then charges you on a scale depending on how long you were there. That way, if you walk in, decide it's just not your scene, you can walk out and not feel like you were just mugged by the thick-necked guy at the door.

(On second thought, that's a terrible idea. Forget it was mentioned. Now you know why we're on the receiving end of the drink-slinging business.)

Every once in awhile, however, a place lives up to the cover you paid to get in. The DJ is on point, the crowd is decent, it's full but not too full, drinks are reasonably priced etc. This week's bar consistently meets those requirements and more.

Hush Hush, on 14th and Guerrero is slightly more 'club' than bar, but still maintains a very intimate and fun setting. Unlike your average club, there's none of the awful, meat-market douchebaggery that usually goes hand in hand with pulsating dance music. The people are truly what sets this place apart. They're just average everyday folks. I think the thing we like most about the Hush is that it seems like a club for people who hate clubs, but love to dance. Imagine Nickie's on Haight with the Grateful Dead and high school posers surgically removed and you're halfway there.

Drinks are very reasonably priced, and even the cover charge is usually very affordable. Even on a Friday night, it was never too crowded. And if weeknight boozing is your thing, then you owe it to yourself (or whoever's footing the bill for your existence) to hit the Hush's 50-cent well drink Thursday happy hour.

So if your groove is off and you want to get it on, cough up the cover and head on in to the Hush Hush.

Liver... Out!!


Saturday, November 20, 2004

Detroit Cock City

The baton has been passed.

Over the past several years, Oakland, California has been at the forefront of chair-throwing, broken bottle drunken sports hooliganism. But in one night, that torch is now proudly passed to the fat, stupid 'How the hell did he get a ticket so close?' fans of MoTown.

Thank you Detroit. Thank you for one of the most entertaining 15 minutes of my life. I mean, really, did you see Jermaine O'Neal stone cold-cock that meathead as he was trying to get up? That's the most awesome thing ever!

It makes me wonder if over the next several years, Terrell Owens and Ron Artest will just take turns each week doing something to one-up the other. If this keeps up, one of them's gonna have to choke a bitch.


My Embarrasing Man Crush On Taylor Coppenrath

He looks like me!

It's that time of year again. Time for College Hoops! So here's a preview of which intercollegiate athletes are going to tear shit up! Or as it will be known in Michael Powell's new world order, 'do really well'.

The only award I expect 'the pride of Vermont' Taylor Coppenrath to win is to unseat Curt Schilling in the hotly contested 'most looking like the author of this blog' award. Not exactly the Naismith trophy, but still beats a Special Olympics gold medal.

Alright, let's go striaght into the serious shit. Who's gonna win the whole goddamn thing? Well, I predict this to be the 'year of the Self', Bill Self that is. That goddamn beast Simien and the rest of those idiots will run rough-shot over the rest of the country and Kansas will finally not choke. Thanks in large part to a certain Mr. Williams being a long, long way away.

Speaking of Roy Williams, I also predict that North Carolina will be the big disappointment this year and get killed by UAB or some other fluke of a school come tournament time.

Ok, Player of The Year. This guy had Jim Calhoun apologizing all of last year on his way to winning a fucking national championship. The New England media kept harrassing him wondering why he didn't take this guy over Emeka Okafor (only the player of the year). Ryan Gomes of Providence is the real fucking deal. 10 times the player that that poser Wayne Simien is at Kansas. He will be the most dominating force in the game this season.

That's about enough. You got scoop on best team, best player. What more do you want? Now just count the days until March madness!


Friday, November 19, 2004

We've Got A Long Way To Go, Man...

I know, I'm from the FUTURE!!

Well, here it is 2012 and I've just come back from the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library, a division of Halliburton Inc. Let me take off my patriotism powered jet-pack and I'll tell you all about it.

Ask yourself, what do you hate about libraries? Yeah, I know, it's all those goddamn books! Well that's what's so great about the Big W fun factory and pizza theatre. Aside from one tattered copy of 'My Pet Goat', there ain't a ding-dang book in the whole joint! What Bushie did that was brilliant was just have holograms of former staff members give you the 'gist' of various books and documents. Not only a brilliant idea but libraries now no longer discriminate against the 'non-elite' that now makes up 85% of the eligible voting population! He truly was a uniter and not a.. uh.. whatever the opposite of 'unite' is.

So after a wonderful morning of having various security memos and daily briefings read to me by the holo-Donald Rumsfeld (He sure trails off and says '...and blah, blah, blah' a lot), it was time for lunch. I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of eating nothing but beef, but making vegetarianism illegal in 2007 was the only way to save the farm industry, so what're you gonna do?

So now it's back to the learnin'. I guess at one time I would've thought it was weird to have a presidential library that's 90% negative information about everyone who ever stood in the President's way. "The Hall of Freedom-Haters" is now officially the longest structure in Texas and when you reach the end of it, you're actually in Odessa and have to take a tram back to the main building. That's ok though, the tram ride has an audio tape of Condaleeza Rice bloopers! From 'Bin Laden determined to attack' to the later and unfortunate 'We'll Nuke everybody', they're all here.

Once we got back to the main compound, I barely had time for the 'Laura Bush dream-kitchen of Tomorrow' and then a big steak dinner cooked by a hologram of GW himself. He brings it out on a platter in an army flightsuit!

Well, that's about it. I've got to get back to the salt mines. I wish that was just an expression like it used to be, but apparently that's the only '21st Century job' left.


Thursday, November 18, 2004

Dirty Furry Hippie Storytime

Get it? C'mon, it's High-larious... Oh shit, I crapped my pants.

Went grocery shopping in Berkeley last weekend. Tried to go to Berkeley Bowl, which is a huge co-op that's kind of a cross between a massive organic Safeway and a Hong Kong farmers market. But, as usual, the Bowl was so packed that you couldn't even get near the parking lot. Plan B was just to go to the Whole Foods down the street, which is virtually the same, but a little more corporate and a lot less of a mob scene. So it was off to Whole Foods.

Now there's one thing that always creeps in my mind when I'm at an organic food store in Berkeley. If all this shit is so good for you, then why does everyone who shops there look like they're a hundred years old? Even people who are obviously college students or in their early 30s have grey hair, leathery skin and the overall appearance that they were just rescued from a deserted island. For a place that values nourishment and proper eating habits above all else, these people look as malnourished and underfed as any village in Rwanda. And they all seem sad. It seems clear to me that a diet of nothing but mung-beans and soy ice cream causes these people more depression than if you made Bob Marley T-shirts illegal.

Every time I go to Berkeley for any reason, I always wind up with a strong desire to go flash fry 10 pounds of veal and throw it down with twinkies and Doritos. If this is what a strict vegan diet does to you, then sign me up for the preservative of the month club.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Homeboy, Throw In The Towel, Your Network Got Dicked By Michael Powell...

The needs of the one kook outweigh the needs of the many!!

Nepotism always, always, ALWAYS turns people into assholes. It's not too hard to find recent examples (Michael Powell, Pete Coors, our President) that prove beyond any doubt that people who get their job only because their daddy had the same one invariably become total and complete douchebags.

It's human nature really. You get handed your career on a silver platter and then spend the rest of your life trying to 'make your own mark' on shit. The only problem is that when you haven't suffered at all and everyone knows it, making your mark usually involves a lot of pompously jumping up and down screaming, "Look at me. I'm not my dad! I'm doing things differently".

Michael Powell is an asshole. I know this because I hear his name more than once every 5 years. The head of the FCC should be virtually unknown. The FCC's job is to make sure two radio stations aren't broadcasting on the same channel. All this other moral bullshit is pointless cock-waving by Powell to further his political career and put him in good standing with the christian right.

What does he really hope to gain by all this nonsense? The people who are clapping wildly in approval of the bullying, jerkish way he's run the FCC are the same glazey-eyed christian rednecks who won't admit that the only reason they were offended by Terrell Owens being propositioned by leathery cunt-sow Nicolette Sheridan is that He is black and she is white.

At this rate, network television will be completely obsolete in 10 years, all shows will be on cable and these moronic parents complaining about this nonsense will have no choice at all but to let their kids watch totally uncensored programming. So keep it up, Mike!!


Special Scamboogah !! Kids Post. You Know, For Kids !!

Don't answer your mom's phone, junior!

It's a great time to be a kid! Your government (the big important people on TV) is working extra special hard to make sure you grow up in a happy super awesome world! If us grownups get our way, (and with a 51% out of 60% who voted mandate, we're going to!!) your parents are going to get lots of help protecting you from 'bad' people. Hooray!

But it's not all gonna be about 'rad' skateboards and whatever else you think is 'cool'. There's some rules you kids are gonna need to help us old 'fogies' make the world a better, safer place. So pay attention for a second, and then you can get back to your boogie boards and baseball cards.

We'll start with some changes to existing rules:

1) "Do as I say, not as I do" has been modified to "Do what our pastor says, and not as he or I does".

2) "Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself" no longer applies to muslims, hippies, the people down the street that had a Kerry sign in their yard and that funny guy with the lisp that works at the video store. They are hellbound, and you may treat them however you like.

Now here's some new things to keep in mind. Isn't this Neat?

1) Your parents don't want to talk to you. If possible, you should be raised by a combination of sunday school, bland pre-approved television and wholesome pop stars like Clay Aiken. In your teen years, you may switch to being raised by Toby Keith and FoxNews.

2) All that stuff we grownups have been telling you about hard work and education is wrong. That will only make you 'elitist' and 'liberal' (two very very bad things). The key to having a happy, successful life is making the right friends and being really, really loyal to them. See that woman on Tv, Condaleeza Rice? She should be your new role model.

3) Any time the church speaks of helping the poor and hungry, they mean in other countries. Poor people in this country want to be poor. There's plenty of community colleges in this country and those people are just too lazy to learn spot-welding.

Well, that's a start. It's too bad that you're going to have to pay off the record debt we grownups have run up, but it was all worth it so that you wouldn't have to see any boobies on TV.

Now go out there and be awesome!


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

A Sarchasm Detector? Oh, That's Really Useful !!

Let's take a look at two of the bedrock beliefs of the 'Values' party, the GOP;

1) They strongly believe that 'Hollyweird' is out of control. Those left wing nuts that run the entertainment industry (A.k.a. Jews) are ruining our children with their nonstop soft core porn programs. The christian right is standing up proudly these days, proclaiming that Bush's victory is entirely caused by value voters that are tired of shielding their kid's eyes from Beer commercials and Janet Jackson halftime shows. Thank god we have Michael Powell and the FCC, randomly fining the hell out of media outlets everywhere so that any and all 'icky' things are removed forever.

2) They strongly believe in unfettered capitalism. Corporations should be allowed to police themselves because free enterprise will ultimately cause companies to act responsibly. As an example, if a company is polluting the environment, eventually people will find out about their poor ecological record (unless they can hide it, but that would never happen) and stop buying their products. So government interference in corporations is anti-american and wrong.

I guess I have just one question, What's the fucking difference?! Don't shrug your shoulders and walk away from me! I'll tell you.

The entertainment industry is the single most consumer driven entity in the entire world. If nobody watches people eat horse rectums on Fear Factor next week, they not only will take it off the air, but won't make another show like it for 10 years. Most other corporations, on the other hand, take years to react to consumer trends. Cancelling a show is as easy as flipping a switch, shutting down a nuclear reactor or a polluting plant can take years, no matter how much the CEO wants it to happen right away (and why would he/she if it's making a profit?).

So once again, the right wing has things backwards. Sure, a polluting corporation will kill you and your children much, much sooner, but at least in the meantime you won't have to talk to them about uncomfortable topics like why that girl on the O.C. doesn't have a panty line.


Monday, November 15, 2004

If Something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who doesn't speak English

It looks like Bush will push Alberto 'Tibor' Gonzalez through to be the next Attorney General, proving that you can never have too many minority scapegoats in your cabinet.

After all, that's the only 'real' use that the Bush administration gets from blacks, women and latinos isn't it? After all, those PC idiots on the left will be petrified as month-old dog shit if they have to attack a black woman or a mexican for not knowing how to do their job. Unfortunately, proving once again that you can never aim too low, this works time and time again and the left is completely hamstrung to even fake standing in the way of this government's awful policies.

I imagine that corporate America will follow the lead of this great president of ours and that most corporate scandals in the next 20 years will be the fault of 'that black vice president' or 'that mexican lady we just promoted to head of finance'. They may even go so far as to appoint retarded kids as CEO. After all, how far would the Enron investigation have gone if Chairman Corky had been indicted?


Sunday, November 14, 2004

SFist Reprint

Staggering Through Fog. A weekly foray into the gentlemanly pursuit and spirited consumption of delicious beverages. In other words, a bar review column. By Andrew Lowder

Gentrification sucks. There, I said it. Actually, it's not a very controversial thing to say, is it? No one likes the idea of seeing their beloved, dirty, artistic crap-hole bulldozed over to make way for a Seattle's Best Coffee and a Quiznos. The only good thing about the dot-com crash of '99 was that gentrification was stopped dead in it's tracks and that now the uninhabited buildings of the city are now half-million dollar lofts instead of old tire companies and boarded up crack dens.

But was it completely stopped? Were places like The Mission and Hunter's Point spared from the crushing Hummer of 'progress'? Not entirely. In addition to the odd yuppie frighteningly skulking around waiting for the real estate prices to go back up so he can sell, there are still some disturbing fossils of gentrification left over.

Skylark on 16th between Mission and Valencia is about as out of place as a head shop in Utah. Just walking in the place, you are immediately aware of dozens of judging eyes looking in your direction to determine whether or not you are 'hot' enough to warrant further attention. The bartenders, while competent and friendly enough, are all good looking in an 'Ashley Simpson in a trucker hat' fakey kind of way. Skylark's drinks are a little on the expensive side and the atmosphere doesn't even come close to justifying it. There's no indoor waterfall or incredible light display that usually goes hand in hand with the kind of overpriced scrutiny you have to endure at a place like this.

If you must go, get there before 10PM and then keep an eye on the door for the mob to show up from Pacific Heights. They'll usually show up in a huge pack of about 30 at around 10:30. Then, and this is the important part, get out as quickly as possible, unless of course your idea of a great night is getting screamed at and narrowly avoiding high-fives and chest-bumps.

Liver... Out !!


Saturday, November 13, 2004

The Tragically Comic? Yeah, Like When A Clown Dies...

There's a certain unique kind of pleasurable pity that makes one feel a strange mix of sorry for the person and amused by that person. You know, like when you see a cute retard.

Another perfect example of this is one of my favorite human beings in the entire world. Jeanne Bice can be seen seemingly all hours of the day on QVC selling 'clothes' that can most generously be referred to as 'head-shakingly hideous'. Normally, awful clothes being sold by rhinestone encrusted old fat ladies would get a disgruntled 'hmm' for about 3 seconds before moving on down the cable tv cavalcade of shit.

But Ms. Bice is different. Her clothes are a monumental car wreck of awfulness, a generational human tragedy woven into a sweater. If ladies apparel was a tv show, her garments would be like Supertrain running over Manimal before plowing into the new Fantasy Island with Malcolm MacDowell. If you let wild, shit-throwing monkeys drink a gallon of coffee and go nuts with beads and a glue gun, you might come close to imitating Jeanne's 'style'. It's so bad it's good and then bad again and then Great!

The best part of watching her program 'The Quacker Factory' on QVC is watching her interact with the women who call in to praise her. You don't have to see the person on the other end of the line to know that there's about 50 cats in the house and that the 'Mr.' of the home left years ago. But where would we be without these 'free spirits'? Who would we desperately attempt not to laugh at while they're in earshot? Who would be the person you think of to always make you feel better about yourself?

The cute retard I guess.


Friday, November 12, 2004

Do The World A Favor And Kill Yourself #4

Bible? Why, uh, No. It's just harmless porn.

I love freedom of religeon. I think it's just great. Sure, some disagreements will occur. I might think that God is a small toad living in Larry Bird's ass, you might think he's some Dan Fogelberg looking hippie that hovers over Florida doing what he can to make sure FSU covers the spread. Whatever. You do your thing, I'll do mine. Maybe some day I'll have a 6-way parlay involving the Seminoles and believe in your deity for awhile, maybe not.

And I got no problem with passion either. If you want to stand by a fountain in a downtown park and scream at the top of your lungs about how we're all going to hell, then good for you. Flail your arms around shouting until you can't even stand up anymore. Good luck.

But I got a big fucking problem when you go way out of your way, learn a profession based in the medical science you don't believe, and then abuse your power to force your beliefs on others. That's exactly what's happening in Fort Worth, Texas and in other states where pharmacists are refusing to fill birth control prescriptions due to their religeous beliefs. Not only that, but they're taking the prescriptions so that the 'heathen' that wants it has to go back to the doctor and get another one, which probably causes her to miss the pill for a day and could have very negative health consequences.

And those 'activist judges' that the right loves to portray as a bunch of free love hippies are backing the pharmacists based on their freedom of religeon! The drug store isn't even allowed to fire these glossy-eyed assholes.

What's next? Will Christian Scientist pharmacists be allowed to not fill any prescriptions at all? Can he just hand out empty bottles with a note that says "Pray harder. It worked for Jim Henson.".

So listen up you fucking zealots. Stand in front of the pharmacy all you want. Tell us how taking a pill is going to send us all to the lake of fire forever. But if you want to preach from the pharmacy counter, take two spoonfuls of drano and don't call me in the morning.


Thursday, November 11, 2004

We'll Make Ted Kennedy Pay, And If He Fights Back, I'll Say That He's Gay...

The puzzling thing about the gay marriage amendments voted on by 11 states last week is that in each and every one of those states, gay marriage didn't exist. So we've now reached a point where we can vote against things that aren't even real problems, only imaginary problems.

So, as a public service, here's some proposed amendments for next election:

1) Anti-Ghost of Elvis legislation

2) Defining marriage as 'not being between a lizard and a Volkswagen'

3) An amendment to stop regular superheroes from becoming 'bizarro' superheroes

4) Legislation prohibiting drinking fluids with your finger like Mork

5) No voting rights for mummies or Frankensteins

6) Judges may not cite 'voices from my gavel' in decisions

7) The anti-Kool Aid smashing through walls and terrorizing thirsty kids bill

8) The 'defense of alien anal probing' act

9) Make everything that's illegal now 'super illegal' to give it that extra level of protection from 'activist judges'

10) Finally pass the 'anti-CHUD' bill so we can all comfortably use the toilet again

That oughtta keep those darn hippie activist judges busy.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

The Phone Calls Are Coming From Inside The White House. Get Out Of The White House !!

Not this tired old picture again

Back a couple of weeks ago, when Osama 'off-road dialysis' Bin-Laden popped his head up to argue politics with Tucker Carlson, many 'hilarious' right-wing pundits pointed out the striking similarities between what Bin Laden said and what Michael Moore said in Farenheit 9/11 (even though most of them claimed to have never seen it).

A much easier comparison to make, however, is between Osama and Gee-Dub Bush. Let's take a look at some of the eery co-inky-dinks;

OBL acquired his wealth from his father, who earned it in the oil business.

Uneducated people from rural areas followed orders from OBL and have killed thousands of innocent people based on slightly twisted reasoning involving the wrong side of a holy war having weapons they shouldn't have.

OBL may not be 'book smart', but followers all agree that he's very charasmatic. Plus, they believe God talks through him and directs him as to what to do.

OBL speaking events have high levels of security to keep out anyone who may disagree with him, and even go so far as to coach those in attendance how loud to cheer, how enthusiastic to be etc.

OBL, despite having much to do, frequently has to go off to middle of nowhere to 'vacation'. When any of his followers question this, he reminds them that he gets lots of work done while he's there, holding press conferences and entertaining out of town guests.

OBL primarily uses one TV Network to disseminate his message (Al-Foxeera).

And finally, one I completely made up. Bush has a secretary named 'Osama Bin Laden' and Bin Laden has a secretary named 'George Walker Bush'.



Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Here's Some Blame For YOU...

With only 1,456 more days of playing 'whose to blame?' to go until the 2008 election, today I present, Those Asshole Moderates!

Rudy 'one-nut' Giuliani (Yeah, I know, it was prostate cancer, but where's the comedy in that?)

Ed 'What am I so happy about?' Koch

Arnold 'Hitler's smiling from Hell' Schwarzenegger

I sincerely hope that, as you three complete sellouts look at the swarms of evangelicals using a giant cross to batter-ram the doors of the Capitol building open so they can use the United States Constitution to convert new followers, that you begin to regret the cowardly way in which you completely abandoned the people that made you what you are.

You three jackasses (with John McCain as a possible fourth horseman) succeeded brilliantly in selling the painfully reactionary and ill-conceived notion that 9/11 trumps EVERYTHING. Sure, I may want a job, I might want to buy a house, I might want to buy food and think that people should not be discriminated against because they're black or gay or women. But all that shit is completely unimportant when you put it next to the idea of blowing up all the brown people for the actions of 11 radical idiots.

Out of all of these fuckers, Giuliani is the one I find most contemptable. Much in the same way that GW Bush pissed away the good will of the entire world after 9/11, Giuliani squandered every last bit of the false hope that anyone had that he wouldn't be just another partisan hack robotically reciting Karl Rove's talking points and even going so far as to blame the troops for the looting of explosives at Al Qua-Qua. Combine that with the gross irony of an admitted adulterer standing next to the party of 'moral values' and everything he represents just makes me sick to my stomach.

The best I can hope for them is that under the new uber-christian regime, 1) Judaism is made illegal, 2) People with foreign accents are moved into camps and 3) Adulterers are executed.


Monday, November 08, 2004

Don't You Have Anything Better To Do?

Hi, I'm Oliver Stone, remember me? I used to make movies with bold political messages, questioning our leaders and never taking for granted that those in power are acting in the public's best interest.

Now I make movies about football and irrelevant female masturbation pics featuring Colin Farrell in a loincloth.

For christsakes, Remember Platoon? JFK? Born on the 4th? Nixon? Shit, even The Doors seemed to be a scathing indictment of right wing 'squares' that just didn't get it.

Now he makes movies like 'Any Given Sunday' and 'Alexander'. Thanks Oliver. Thanks for abandoning the only thing you do well when your country needs it most.

Looking on IMDB, I see that he's made a few documentaries recently, but unless your name's Michael Moore and you can make them funny enough to appeal to the masses, stick with what you know. They already made Alexander. It had Brad Pitt in it, lonely women couldn't stop talking about it for about a week, and now it's completely forgotten. Is that really how you want to be remembered as the country you claim to love is being flushed down the right wing toilet?

Sorry. There's so many people to blame for last week that I figured I'd try and come up with someone no one else had.


Sunday, November 07, 2004

SFist reprint

Staggering Through Fog, a weekly attempt at fighting off the shakes long enough to relay valuable information about the San Francisco bar scene. By Andrew Lowder.

In a recent interview, 41 year old superstar DJ Norman 'Fatboy Slim' Cook credited his overall good health and success to booze. During each and every one of the hundreds of DJ sets he's done over the years, he imbibes a large jug of vodka and orange juice, which he credits with "giving him necessary vitamin C and preserves his insides as if they were floating in formaldehyde". Is this irresponsible medical misinformation? A desperate attempt to justify an alcohol abuse problem? Just plain hooey? Not so fast College Boy...

The bartender at this week's place is perhaps the best living proof we've ever seen that this theory of preservation might have some merit. For 8 years, and I'm sure many more elsewhere that we're unaware of, this drink-slinger has been barely able to stand up, but completely able to dispense quality beer and spirits. He remains so unchanged over the years that we sometimes think he's a robot, but who would make a drunk robot with a thick Scottish brogue?

The 500 Club is the old stalwart of the Mission district bar scene, and Jerry, the old bitter scotsman pouring the drinks most days, is a freak of nature. No matter how many times we've walked through the front door expecting Jerry's liver to be holding innocent bystanders hostage, we walk in and he's exactly the same, which is to say drunk and unruly. I suppose expecting anything different would be like walking into the Louvre thinking maybe they've replaced the Mona Lisa with a tapestry of Dogs Playing Poker. Don't be scared off, however. As drunk as Jerry gets, and believe me, he gets loaded, he never gets really angry. Oh sure, he'll call you every name in the book, threaten to throw you out and hold a broken beer bottle to your neck, but that's just the Scottish way of saying 'Hello'. Give him a frightened smile for a few seconds, tip him well, and he'll be distracted away soon enough. Most likely by the tap he left on when he poured your Pabst.

So take your inflated sense of self-esteem down to the 500. You'll leave with some much needed humility and possibly live longer due to the preserving powers of alcohol!



Saturday, November 06, 2004

Colin Quinn disease

"this is the sign of a true wingnut -- the belief that one is always beleaguered because other people with differing opinions exist." - World O' Crap

I call this Colin Quinn disease. You probably know Colin from his work on 'Remote Control', Saturday Night Live or Tough Crowd on Comedy Central. A semi-apologetic republican, Colin suffers from incredible 'persecuted white guy' syndrome'. Bring up anything about racism, college entrance requirements or whatever and he launches into a poorly thought out, knuckle-biting rampage about how awful white men have been treated over the past few decades. Perhaps it comes from his Irish Brooklyn, everybody's dad's a cop upbringing. Whatever the reason, it seems to be spreading, and manifested itself bigtime last tuesday.

To quote another comedian, Louis CK, "it's great to be white. It's just fucking awesome". So stop all this stupid nonsense about how everybody's ganging up on the white man and "I never owned any slaves, why am I being punished?". If your racism is so ingrained in your soul that, after becoming slightly educated, you still have to find a way to hold on to it, then you are fucked up, and need to stop.

By the way, here's a fun game to play. Surf different blogs and look for people defending the ban on Gay marriage. It shouldn't be too hard to find, after all, 51%!!! Once you do, take the comment and replace the word 'gay' with 'black' and 'marriage' with 'vote' or 'own property'. Then imagine that person dancing and shooting guns in the air as he says it.

Welcome to the New America...


Friday, November 05, 2004

Is OzzFest named after Australia?

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously are every bit the sarchastic asshole that I am.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

The New Maps are Out

Check out this concession speech from an independent 'candidate'. It's a great fucking rant.


The Nostradamus Fighting Irish

To quote the Hives, "Hate to Say I Told You So" (of course, there's other posts where I was optimistic, but I'll just take a page out of the republican playbook and pretend like those didn't happen). Here's a reprint of a post of mine from September 1st:

Maybe I'm letting my pessimism get the best of me, but I think IT is starting to happen. By it, of course, I mean GW Bush is swinging into the lead and will be re-elected in November. A new Washington Post poll released yesterday shows an 18% swing from 8 down to 10 up for Bush in the question 'Who would make a better Commander in Chief?'. Everything that decent, intelligent people have been hoping wouldn't happen is happening. Everything intellectuals said wouldn't stick has stuck, and everyone we thought was too smart to fall for the used car sales pitch just drove off the lot.

So who's to blame for this clusterfuck? As liberal democrats sit around for the next four years, wondering how they managed to lose what should've been the largest ass-kicking since Mick Jagger said 'Why not get biker dudes to do security?', I'm sure the finger of blame will be pointed all over the place. That darned Karl Rove, dopes and christians in the south, and racists from the suburbs will all be singled out as those who were too stupid to see the horrible damage that four more years of this dolt will do to the country and the world.

Personally, I blame democrats. Not the new democrats, brought in by a call to get rid of Bush, but the middle-aged, chicken shit wing of the party. The people who ran Howard Dean out on a rail because they decided that it was more important to 'play not to lose' than it was to ride out a wave of new interest in their party. Everyone knows in football why the 'prevent defense' is also called the 'prevent a win defense'. The moment you give up the offensive and start hoping the clock winds down, you open a window for your opponent to walk right in. That's exactly what the democrats did when they decided that it would be better to go with a candidate that was closer to the middle, and therefore, had a better chance of winning.

A lot of people, democrats and republicans alike, don't even know what they believe in anymore. They just know that they want to win. For the last two nights, the republicans have had speakers representing their convention that believe in gay marriage and a woman's right to choose. They don't mind, however, because it will help bring in the swing voters. Same thing when some democrats talked about having John McCain as Kerry's running mate. What the fuck is the point in calling yourself a democrat or a republican if you'll hand the keys over to anyone who'll help you get elected, no matter what they actually believe?

You know who would've really helped Kerry as a running mate? Who would've brought lots of people over from the right and probably cemented victory in November? Jerry Falwell. This isn't some stupid game where the only prize is bragging rights for four years. You're actually supposed to represent something. But that's what America's been reduced to. We're a nation of ditzy cheerleaders and mindless jocks. All we know is score and stop, win and lose.I know this will make me sound simple, but Howard Dean revived an interest in politics within me that had, over the last few years, turned into complete and total apathy. And I ask myself now, was it really so important and worth it to get him out of the race? Obviously, given what happened in Iowa, it could have been any minor flub on Dean's part and mainstream democrats would've overreacted and driven Dean out to the desert and dumped him out the back of a van in a burlap sack.

But ask yourself, assuming that Kerry's going to lose (I, of course, hope I'm wrong), wouldn't it have been a million times better to have someone that actually represents the left campaigning for the last 9 months? Would Dean have lost too? Probably. But he wouldn't have given the republicans the pleasure of thinking that they're protecting America and making a better future for the world. In fact, he probably would've had the effect of motivating the ultra-right to become much more involved. And once the ultra-right bible thumping wackos come into play, I like the democrats chances.One thing's for sure, the day that Dean dropped out and Kerry took over the nomination, Karl Rove busted out the champagne and toasted victory in November. They knew that the only way Bush gets re-elected is if he runs against someone with 'Dukakis' like charisma. They got it. Once the Daschle wing of the democratic party seized control back, it was all over. I'll keep my fingers crossed that I'll have to retract every word of this on November 3rd.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Quotes from the blog-o-circular thingy...

Here's a few co-miserators from around the sphere-like blog universe:

"The great stealth issue of this election was homosexuality. And maybe he's on the right track. If the red states think they can get along without us, let's let them do it without the government subsidies they currently get. No more farm subsidies. No more grazing subsidies. We'll keep our money, they can keep out the gays, and in 10 years let's see who's ahead" - Angry

"Bush and Rove have proven that there is no limit to how many elections you can win when you run a campaign based on lies and fear. If these are moral values, well, Bush can shove them up his ass" - The agonist, reporting from Kathmandu, Nepal.

"DLC moderatism is a dead horse we can now quit riding. Let’s face it, the appeasement strategy hatched in the mid-80s to combat Reagan is something less than a success. Clinton may have won on a DLC platform, but for god’s sake, look at what catastrophe it has wrought. Appeasement sucks ass. For once, let’s lead with our actual values. This is a wonderful opportunity for progressives to seize power in the moribund Democratic Party." - The American Street

"I should not be surprised that America is ruled by a bunch of dumb white "Christian" men. A little revelation: America's "Mainstream Values" are full of shit. If you want to gloat about your "victory", let's make it perfectly clear: You hate gays and you want to kill and torture Muslims. If that's something you want to be proud of, great." - And then

"The theocrats just assumed control of the judicial branch for at least twenty years. The courts are the true disaster of this election. Make no mistake, that is what the American political divide has come to: the secularists versus the theocrats" - The apostropher

"it looks like the Untied States is truly become a more hateful, intolerant country were God and greed reign. Truth has been marginalized. Impeachable actions apply only to a Democrat’s dick." - BlogAmy

"Memo to: Rest of the World
From: America
We sure showed you. You think you're all so smart, don't you? Well here in the good old USA, we have bibles and guns. We don't need no stinking brains. y'hear? - Blondesense

"once again, the Dems made the mistake of appealing to people's head and not their hearts. Speaking to their intellect and not their insecurities. Once again, we naively felt that if we could just show the Americans how bad Bush is. If we could just make our case with respect to all the lies his administration has told. All the blunders they made. The HAD to vote for Kerry, right? Wrong" - Chepooka

"It's kind of like waking up to a four-year collective hangover, vaguely remembering that something bad happened last night, and then looking over to see Ann Coulter sleeping peacefully next to you" - Dark Window

"I Don't Hate Polls, I just hate people. I think this one figure from CNN's exit poll data pretty much sums up my complete shock and disbelief today. Amongst the 11% of voters who reported that "Honest/Trustworthy" was the most important quality they wanted in a President, 70% chose Bush and 29% chose Kerry. For the life of me, I am fundamentally incapable of understanding how people who claim to believe that honesty and trustworthiness are key qualities could so overwhelmingly vote for Bush. I am completely at a loss. - Demagogue


Fuck It

According to the results we've seen so far, the 'youth movement' (ages 18-30), despite registering in record numbers, came up with something more important to do yesterday. You'd think the new Good Charlotte or Evanescense album could've waited 10 minutes while you went out and voted, you cock-teasing assholes.

Enjoy your draft. Maybe you'll be a little more politically inclined after you've had your legs blown off in Tikrit.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I Know There's Something I Should Do Today....

Even though it violates every rule of being 'Gen-X', and even though it doesn't really count at all since the election was decided months ago by the five jew bankers who live at the earth's core, I'm gonna go ahead and vote today. To try and make up for it I'm going to sigh and roll my eyes a lot while waiting in line and loudly say 'Whatever...' each time I pull a lever.

I don't think it'll come as a shock to most people that I'll be voting for Kerry, but it might surprise some to know why. Of course I care about the future of this country, which is to say, I don't wish it any particular harm as all of my friends live here. Clearly I wouldn't want Bush to be able to appoint supreme court justices that would reverse Roe v Wade, make homosexuality illegal and gun ownership mandatory. Naturally I wouldn't want to have to listen to another four years of that stuttering prick butcher the english language and preside over wholesale butchering of Iraqi civilians and American soldiers while proclaiming himself a compassionate conservative and devout christian. Basically, I can't think of many things worse than another four years of this complete fucknut and his douchebag of an administration doing everything they can to speed up the rapture.

All that is compelling, to be sure, but the main reason I want to see change happen for America is that I would love to get the fuck out of it. Even if Kerry wins (knock on freaking wood), there's still 45% or so of this country that is completely intolerable. The suburbs and sticks of this great land are chock-full of pious, corpulent, self-righteous, undereducated, redneck shitheads that can be occassionally beaten back, but will rear their Wal-Mart shopping, Country music-lovin' heads soon enough. Combine that with the truly dangerous, greed-overflowing Neo-cons that populate the frathouses and boardrooms of the country and it's enough to make you vomit in your own mouth thinking about it.

There's a long list of countries that I would much rather live in than America, and the more we run roughshot over the rest of the world, the shorter the list gets of places that don't completely hate Americans. The way things stand today, even if we were to become full expatriates, we'd still have spend most of the rest of our lives convincing our neighbors and acquantances that we're Canadian. So why haven't we left already? Certainly money's an issue, as are family, friends and a complete addiction to most U.S. sports, but as overseas networking becomes more and more common, those reasons will hopefully become less and less of an issue. That and we have to just get off our lazy asses and do it.

So as you can see, my primary reasoning is not only totally selfish, but both patriotic and anti-American at the same time. How's that for Gen-X slacking?

Now get out and vote!! After all, P-Diddy says it'll make you cool.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Time For "The Association"

It's nearly here. And although this year I've got less to look forward to than I can remember in a long time, the National Basketball Association begins its season this week. The 'Super'Sonics are going to be 'super' awful and, apart from watching the Lakers become a mediocre also-ran thanks to the antics of one 'Rapey McfuckRape' (Aka Kobe Bryant), there's not going to be a whole lot of drama this year. But here's some predictions anyway;

Champion: Pistons. Completely boring pick, but they threw Antonio McDyess onto an already dominating brute squad. He's a slight trade up from Mehmet Okur, who always looked to me like Arvydas Sabonis on Vicodin.

MVP: Tim Duncan. Him and Garnett will slug it out again for this award. I give the edge to Duncan because I think his team will be better. The Spurs have a chip on their shoulder from last season and added the incredibly competent Brent Barry as a sixth man so I think they'll steamroll over the rest of the west.

Rookie of the Year: Ben Gordon, Bulls. Even though he looks like Charlie Murphy, I think Gordon will have the biggest impact of this year's crop. He'll get plenty of time, cause the Bulls got nothing else at the position and he's got a great outside shot.

Comback/Most Improved: Grant Hill, Orlando. He is supposedly so healed from his previous injury that he would have to injure it the exact same way he did 3 years ago. Given Hill's luck, I'd still put that at about 50/50.

Coach of the Year: Jerry Sloan, Utah. He should have walked away with this award last year, so I think they'll give it to him this year. He'll probably take a team whose only stars are AK-47, Carlos 'Guitarlos' Arroyo and my prediction for 'least improved', the man whose name goes with Utah worse than 'Jazz', Carlos Boozer. The fact that he guided them to anything but a 10-72 record last year is unbelievable.

Well I don't want to give away any of my fantasy picks for the upcoming draft tomorrow, so I'll just leave it at that. I'll just say, if you're in the draft, stay away from Dirk Nowitzki, I hear he's terrible.