Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Why Warren Miller Sucks

Wow, look at that powder! I almost give a shit!

If you've never heard of Warren Miller, it means one of two things; 1)You never lived close enough to a mountain to have a high school full of burnout ski bums or 2)You've never smoked pot with someone who used to be/still is a burnout ski bum.

Warren Miller makes movies. This might be the most liberal use of that phrase in modern history. Saying that Warren Miller makes movies is kind of like saying that the homeless guy that just crapped his pants is a sculptor. Basically, Mr. Miller takes shitty ski footage that you've already seen a billion times and says amazingly unwitty things in a dull monotone voice that sounds like a cross between Tom Shane* and Ben Stein.

Sound annoying? Oh you're darn tootin'! The only thing that makes these hour and half long sessions of ski-pole masturbation worse is that trustafarian losers that spend more on their lift ticket than they do every week at Hot Topic trying to look poor LOVE THIS SHIT. In Seattle, where I grew up, these dirt-weed smoking shitheads line up for hours to watch other people ski. Even people that go to Lazer-Floyd laugh at these idiots.

Oh, and as long as I'm sort of on the topic, I beg the local ski mountains (Sugar Loaf, Dodge Ridge, Cocaine Mound, whatever) to stop with your awful radio ads. Yes, I know, I'll be the 'coolest' dad in the world if I drop 500 bucks dragging my stupid kids to your awful line-ridden money printing factories. Yes, my 'wacky, freestylin' kids' will love me forever if I just dump my entire life savings into 3 or 4 runs down some shitty mountain filled with other douchebags.

Can you tell I don't ski?

* Tom Shane, regional diamond merchant, cocaine addict (unconfirmed rumor from former employee) and nasal-voiced jackass.



Anonymous Anonymous blathered...

hey man i understand that this is the internet and you can say whatever you want, but i think warren miller is an artist. he makes some of the best documenteys. their not ment to be movies they ment to show you the life of a skier or snowboarder. you dont have to watch them if you dont like them. and warrens voice makes is movies have a signiture trade mark.

sorry about the spelling


9:31 PM

Anonymous Anonymous blathered...

Gotta agree with warren millers movies are kinda lame. There are so many other ski film production crew that make way better films that warren miller just takes and adds some comments i gotta say if you wanna see a good ski movie go see the movies warren miller pulled the footage out of.

11:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous blathered...

Warren miller films :
1. use footage from elsewhere

2. have no artistic merit

3. have the same endless powder turns over and over and over

4. Have muppet ski-trustafarian-pros jacking off about the beauty of nature and how lucky they are,...(have they ever thought just how much oil they ripped through to get to the top of that fresh line and the fact they're main contributors to resultant shitty winters?)

5. wayyy to expensive to go see

6. are boring, plain and simple.

need i go on?

8:17 PM


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