It's Been A Bold, Brave Year For Us As Ac-Tors...

Dear senile shut-ins and afraid-of-being-exposed hacks,

Gosh, I guess I don't know very much about movies. Here's some incredible misconceptions that I had that thankfully the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is around to set me straight on;

1- Apparently Michel Gondry is NOT talented and Eternal Sunshine didn't have as much vision behind it as Taylor Hackford's masterful job of recreating scenes of Ray Charles we've seen a million times.

2 - I also didn't know that Hotel Rwanda was such a lousy movie. Then again, if forced to pick a biography of a black guy, my first question is also whether or not he ever did a jingle for Diet Pepsi.

3 - How does Paul Giamatti continue to get work? Obviously he's not any good, and he's got the nerve to prance around Hollywood being 'not so good looking', taking work away from more deserving actors like John Stamos and Lorenzo Lamas.

4 - I foolishly thought it would be stupid to completely shut out Farenheit 9/11. Oh well, I guess you want to suck up to the big 51% mandate. Oh wait, you essentially shut out Passion 'O The Christ as well? Well, excellent job pissing everybody off then.

5 - Like an idiot, I also assumed that you have to write a screenplay to win 'best screenplay'. Mike Leigh (Vera Drake) writes an outline and then lets actors improvise their dialogue. But there he is nominated, so I guess I'm wrong again.

6 - 'Tupac: Ressurection' as best documentary feature? I guess it is much more riveting to see found footage of someone of minor cultural significance who died 8 years ago than a complete indictment of the current President of the United States. Kudos.

7 - Lastly, congratulations on inventing the 'Everybody gets an award' award, also known as the 'Best Animated Feature' award. Here I was thinking that Shark Tale was a universally agreed upon piece of shit, but since it was animated, and therefore has to be nominated so that the category has more than two films in it, then I guess it's good after all.

So in closing, I apologize Academy. I thought your list of nominees would make some attempt to achieve any kind of relevance or cultural significance, but for the 77th time, I guess you're willing to settle for bone-headed awfulness.