Special Scamboogah !! Kids Post. You Know, For Kids !!

Don't answer your mom's phone, junior!

It's a great time to be a kid! Your government (the big important people on TV) is working extra special hard to make sure you grow up in a happy super awesome world! If us grownups get our way, (and with a 51% out of 60% who voted mandate, we're going to!!) your parents are going to get lots of help protecting you from 'bad' people. Hooray!

But it's not all gonna be about 'rad' skateboards and whatever else you think is 'cool'. There's some rules you kids are gonna need to help us old 'fogies' make the world a better, safer place. So pay attention for a second, and then you can get back to your boogie boards and baseball cards.

We'll start with some changes to existing rules:

1) "Do as I say, not as I do" has been modified to "Do what our pastor says, and not as he or I does".

2) "Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself" no longer applies to muslims, hippies, the people down the street that had a Kerry sign in their yard and that funny guy with the lisp that works at the video store. They are hellbound, and you may treat them however you like.

Now here's some new things to keep in mind. Isn't this Neat?

1) Your parents don't want to talk to you. If possible, you should be raised by a combination of sunday school, bland pre-approved television and wholesome pop stars like Clay Aiken. In your teen years, you may switch to being raised by Toby Keith and FoxNews.

2) All that stuff we grownups have been telling you about hard work and education is wrong. That will only make you 'elitist' and 'liberal' (two very very bad things). The key to having a happy, successful life is making the right friends and being really, really loyal to them. See that woman on Tv, Condaleeza Rice? She should be your new role model.

3) Any time the church speaks of helping the poor and hungry, they mean in other countries. Poor people in this country want to be poor. There's plenty of community colleges in this country and those people are just too lazy to learn spot-welding.

Well, that's a start. It's too bad that you're going to have to pay off the record debt we grownups have run up, but it was all worth it so that you wouldn't have to see any boobies on TV.

Now go out there and be awesome!