Dirty Furry Hippie Storytime

Get it? C'mon, it's High-larious... Oh shit, I crapped my pants.

Went grocery shopping in Berkeley last weekend. Tried to go to Berkeley Bowl, which is a huge co-op that's kind of a cross between a massive organic Safeway and a Hong Kong farmers market. But, as usual, the Bowl was so packed that you couldn't even get near the parking lot. Plan B was just to go to the Whole Foods down the street, which is virtually the same, but a little more corporate and a lot less of a mob scene. So it was off to Whole Foods.

Now there's one thing that always creeps in my mind when I'm at an organic food store in Berkeley. If all this shit is so good for you, then why does everyone who shops there look like they're a hundred years old? Even people who are obviously college students or in their early 30s have grey hair, leathery skin and the overall appearance that they were just rescued from a deserted island. For a place that values nourishment and proper eating habits above all else, these people look as malnourished and underfed as any village in Rwanda. And they all seem sad. It seems clear to me that a diet of nothing but mung-beans and soy ice cream causes these people more depression than if you made Bob Marley T-shirts illegal.

Every time I go to Berkeley for any reason, I always wind up with a strong desire to go flash fry 10 pounds of veal and throw it down with twinkies and Doritos. If this is what a strict vegan diet does to you, then sign me up for the preservative of the month club.