Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

More News From The Future!!

One day, we will all have a rickety, alpine-themed rollercoaster in our backyard and gawking tourists milling around on our property...

Back again with more pointless news from your FUTURE, meant to serve no purpose other than to alarm you (Here's the previous future report in case you forgot or haven't been taking notes). You're powerless to change it, powerless! Here goes....

Well, here in 2012, Reality television is still king, and by that I mean an actual sovereign ruler, inbreeding with its family and tyrannically weilding power over all of us. My favorite is 'The Amazing Race'. Here's a recaplet of the episode I was forced to watch at robot gunpoint during my visit;

The episode starts at Omaha Beach. Not the one in France (Americans haven't been allowed to travel there in 4 years), but instead a clump of sand next to the Missouri River in Nebraska. Contestants must make their way from here to South Dakota, being very careful not to wander into Iowa, where abortion is now not only legal, but is mandatory. In fact, if you're not pregnant, it is state law that you stay long enough to become pregnant and then have it aborted. Those activist judges sure got out of control in the late 00s!!

From South Dakota, it's on to North Dakota, passing a couple of truck stops and gun shops along the way. Careful when you get too far north, racers! Americans aren't allowed in Canada anymore either. They really took it poorly when hockey started up again in 2006 and all the Canadian teams were moved to suburbs of Houston, Texas (The Galveston Canucks? It doesn't even make sense!). What a bunch of babies...

Once the teams get to Bismarck, it's a 'Detour'! As the elderly Phil Koeghan explains, "A Detour is a choice between two tasks. In this detour, teams must choose between 'sit' or 'stand'. In 'sit', teams find a comfy chair in town and take a nap, in 'stand', teams must find a place to stand and watch traffic go by as they wonder aloud why Americans are no longer allowed to travel anywhere else in the world besides godawful places like Bismarck, North Dakota. Bonus points are awarded for shouting, "What the fuck?" at passing cars. Any attempt to blame the Jeb Bush administration, however, are immediately 'rewarded' with trips to Gitmo.

Unfortunately, this episode and the detour task are abruptly cut short as local news reports that North Dakota has declared war on Minnesota, South Dakota and Montana because they heard that there are people that live in each of those states who once saw 'Farenheit 9/11' and thought it raised some 'interesting questions'. Not eager to share the country with liberal moonbat freaks, the citizens of North Dakota seize control of the shows 'soul-stealing' camera equipment and commit the contestants and Phil to a lifetime of prison-labor for being 'Sissy Hollywood types'. When the White House is reached for comment, Vice President Tom DeLay shrugs his shoulders and says, "god's will".

Luckily, the show is immediately replaced by a new season of Hollywood Squares 2012 with Paris Hilton in the center square. At one point the game becomes very difficult when Lindsay Lohan has to leave midway through the show to get treated for chlamydia.

Oh well, enough of your bleak future. Just remember, you're powerless to change it, so why not head down to the BK for one of those new 12 egg omelette sandwiches. Oh, and Go Brookside Village MapleLeafs!



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