From The Desk Of Donald Rumsfeld

Dear Sir or Madam,

It is with a fair to medium amount of regret that I have to take the time out of my busy schedule to inform you of the useless condition of 'terminated' that your son/daughter has recently attained. It must be just awful to lose a loved one so suddenly, but if I were poor like you and had no other options than to send my kids off to war or to send them to work at WalMart, I'd probably be used to disappointment by now.

Let me assure you that if your son/daughter had posessed the body armor/Humvee armor that they no doubt wrote you saying wasn't being provided for them that it wouldn't have made a lick of difference. Chances are, they were killed by an explosive and as engineers, generals and other people smarter than you know, modern science hasn't yet figured out how to keep explosives from killing people.

Anywho, I could go on and on about how it was probably your child's fault that they died and how little personal responsibility I take for any and all so-called wrong assumptions and decisions that I have made. But I would imagine that to be misinterpreted by you as callous and unfeeling so I won't even bother.

Another unfortunate event is that due to recent bad press, they won't let me use an 'autopen' to sign these condolences letters anymore. So while it would've been nice for you to have a letter that you could have pretended that I gave a shit enough to sign personally, now you'll just have to forge my signature yourself.

Deepest sympathies, etc. etc.

Donald Rumsfeld