Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Please Don't Worry About Upper Management, They've Been Given Golden Parachutes.

I regret to inform you that Scamboogah Enterprises will be downsizing. In order to remain competitive and assure our stock price viability, many of our manufacturing elements will be moved overseas having the regrettable effect of closing down several plants in Wisconsin and Nebraska.

The policy of posting every day, while providing many employees with stable careers that they've come to count on, has not turned the kind of profits that management had hoped for and in order to compete in the 21st century marketplace, we are forced to streamline our operations to maintain the liquidity required to move Scamboogah forward.

Stagnant readership numbers combined with crushing ennui have wreaked havoc on the blogging industry recently, and I assure you that while there was some discussion about whether or not posting was necessary at all, in the end it was decided that even though financially it makes just as much sense to stop posting altogether as it does to post 5 times a day, our customers deserve some sense of continuity as we go through this restructuring.

So while this means that the days of 'check out this link' and 'here's a reprint from another blog' are over, rest assured that there will be posts now and again when we actually have something to say. For while it is the job of newspapers and magazines to fill up pages and pages with meaningless crap so that you don't feel you've wasted your hard earned money buying it, clogging up the internet with links and reprints and 'I've got nothing, so here's a picture of a guy fisting a horse' doesn't make sound business sense. Scamboogah industries feels you deserve better than that and will therfore abandon the idea of every day posting effective immediately.

In a way, this is all your fault as well. If only you employees hadn't unionized and demanded pipedream pie-in-the-sky bullshit like 'a living wage' and 'medical benefits', vomit-inducingly wealthy executives like myself wouldn't have been put in such a tough position in the first place. Ah, who am I kidding? We would've done it if you had been making anything more than the .25 cents an hour the Philipino taking your job is getting. Probably had you goin' there for a second, huh?

It is our hope that once you get back on your feet, get a job at WalMart and are able to once again afford a dial-up internet connection and a used Pentium 2 that you'll enjoy the 'new Scamboogah!!'. Sure, it won't be as regularly updated, politically insightful or interesting to read, but since we plan on putting a portion of what we're saving on payroll into marketing and advertising, it WILL be more popular than ever, and that's really all we're concerned about. After all, the last time I checked, you can't buy a cigar boat with integrity and fancy words. Am I right people?


Actually, it's just a combination of going back to school, the fact that I needed to get a job 2 months ago and the ever-dawning realization that just about everyone who does this with machine-like regularity is either, a) raising kids at home, b)living off a massive trust fund, or c) 14 years old. I should also include d) people that are just a hell of lot more prolific and energetic than me and are able to type for an hour without then collapsing for a 2 hour nap to rest up for a night's drinking.

Of course, you never know, perhaps this series of small breaks will make me realize that I've got just TONS to say and regular posting will resume at a fever pitch in a couple of weeks. We'll see.



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