Just Cut 'Em Up Like Regular Chickens

A good time was had by all at the SF 3-min FilmFest last weekend. Jeff's hosting was an excellent combination of embarrassing and hilarious, Camille glided around the room like a seasoned professional artist-babysitter and I tried to blend into the scenery and act as effete and disinterested as possible. After all, that's what the real artists do, right?

In the interest of no one (except the one guy who will want to fight me later on about something I said here that I will have totally forgotten by then), here's a complete rundown of all 22 films screened. You know, for posterity's sake, and it's the only way we'll learn to be more selective of films shown in the future.

The films will be rated with the Gunslingers system of Cadillac, Steak Knives, or You're Fired.

One Happy Moment - Supposedly 'random' people selected off the street who then close their eyes for awhile to drum n' bass. You're fired.

Beer Goggles - Guy gets drunk and has different memory of previous evening. Only been done 493,000 other times. You're fired.

Being Frank - Documentary about sign carrying looney Frank Chu. Slightly exploitative, but interesting. Steak Knives.

Lying Lips Redux - Bad sound recording turned this into old black and white footage with mumbling. You're fired.

Pete's Feet - Abstract video art with feet. Not my cup of tea. You're fired.

Chow Baby - Incredible special effects and porn star looking actress turn this film from simple story of a snake eating a woman into head-scratching waste of time and money. You're fired.

Cathy's Commute - Girl jams to Michael Jackson on the bus. A lot of fun until the very end when the music continues to play for 30 seconds after the movie has faded to black. For a second, I thought it was going to be like an Andy Kaufman bit and the music would just go on until everyone got pissed off and left. Steak Knives.

Re-Deconstruction - According to the program, edited without listening to the sound. Look here, your laziness doesn't impress me. You're fired.

Closet of Satan - Funny little childhood slice of life story. Thankfully provides the first laughs of the entire evening. Cadillac.

Wildly Sophisticated - Tapes beauty seminar and makes fun of it. Now we're cooking with Crisco! Cadillac.

Cat's Eye - Absolutely painful look at someone's cat, unless the part about the cat dying at the end was a joke, in which case it's brilliant. You're fired, but there may be a Cadillac waiting for you in your driveway.

Kearney and Pine - The kind of thing you would need deep hypnosis to remember seeing five minutes after you saw it. You're fired.

Slinky - People in Slinky outfits do street art. I must've missed the deeper meaning because this won third place and I'm pretty sure all I saw was people in industrial flex-tubing groping each other. Steak Knives.

Small Time - Ah, what would a film festival be without the '10 minutes too long, I saw Pulp Fiction a hundred times, good dialogue just means saying 'fuck' over and over again, and I have a strong woman in my movie so how's about a blowjob' entry. Was probably only about 12 minutes (which is still 9 too long) but felt like a feature. You're fired.

Runner - Audience winner. Children talking in French with English subtitles and a guy distance running. Describing it makes it sound like the most pretentious thing ever filmed, but it was done so well that it actually worked. Cadillac.

Glockenspiel - Cleaning woman plays music and steals xylophone. Meh. Steak Knives.

One Bad Night - 10 second animated thing about getting shot with a 'poo-gun'. Brilliant. Would've been my pick to win. Cadillac.

23,000 - Alternately funny and scary, with bag-faced characters. Lynchian. Cadillac.

Searching For Billy Ocean, Vol. 1 - I recuse myself. Voted 2nd best by the crowd, but they're mostly idiots. Pontiac.

Lewis not him again - Like the snake movie, a rather pedestrian idea dressed up with special effects to make it puzzling and pointless. You're fired.

Scentsitive - Professional comedian entry by one of the guys from local improv troupe 'Killing my Lobster'. Funny, but I expect more from professionals. Steak Knives.

Wacky Blooperzz!! - You know when you have really bad diarrhea, and you've just spent 20 minutes on the can, and you start to get up but realize it's not over yet. This hideous turd of a film damn nearly soiled everyone's pants before they could get their ass back onto the bowl. Talk about ending on a down note. I consider it to be an act of incredible mass politeness that this film didn't cause a mob scene at the box office demanding refunds. To give this movie 'You're fired' doesn't do the phrase justice. If you haven't guessed by now, this was my entry, but I still stand by everything I just said.

So there you have it. 21 people busting their asses for no payoff only to have some snide, bitter loser (who was too lazy to come up with something on his own and just made a blooper reel out of his friends movie) shit all over them. But as Homer Simpson once said, "If they don't want people invading their privacy and rummaging through their garbage, they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively."