Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Monday, May 16, 2005

A Nation Of Cartmans

Until last weekend, I wasn't sure if they existed outside the wishful thoughts of people like Ann Coulter, but I met an actual 'South Park Republican' a few days ago and not only do they exist, but they are the dimmest, most ill-informed, golf-loving fratguys you could ever hope to encounter.

All young people want to be thought of as hip and cool, especially racist, closed-minded assholes who go straight into sales out of college and know two things about politics, what Rush tells them and what other people on the golf course think. This outstanding article, written by some twenty-something pantload desperately overcompensating with a 'serious journalist' byline picture and hastily thrown together suit to cover his overalls, makes irrefutable statements like "If John F. Kennedy were alive, he'd probably be a South Park Republican". I suppose the only fault in that logic is that JFK was an intelligent, thoughtful human being and not some suburban dipshit whose only contributions to society are keeping Cancun's economy afloat and making sure conversations have enough Caddyshack quotes.

The more I find out about these worthless idiots, the more frustrated I become. These people are either hopelessly naive, ridiculously racist or so brainwashed into doing as they're told that they have no idea what they're even saying. The whole notion behind this movement is that humor is needed to 'puncture the mass of pretense that is liberalism'. When you come from a party whose cornerstones are ignorant, racist rednecks, plutocratic, greedy CEOs, and glossy-eyed religeous zealots, the idea that you have the comedic high ground is well, laughable.

So now, presented uncut and for your reading pleasure, is a small excerpt from the actual conversation I had with a 'South Park Republican';

South Park Republican: So, have you seen Team America World Police?

Me: No, but I really want to.

SPR: It's coming out on DVD this week and it's hilarious.

M: Yeah?

SPR: I should warn you though, YOU LEFT WING TYPES might not like it because it makes fun of celebrities...

Need I say more? Yup, in the mind of the new breed of republican, it is democrats who over react to criticism, it's democrats who can't take a joke. Darn those uppity celebrities, telling people their opinions just because someone asked for them. Don't they know that unless you're a simple country hayseed singin' bout kickin' Moo-Ha-Med's ass, that you should keep quiet?

Like Jesus Christ himself seems to be these days, apparently the new republican party can be whatever you want it to be. It doesn't have actual 'policies' or 'positions', just buzzwords and slogans. Sure, we'll still boycott programs and people, ruin careers and lives in the name of Jesus Christ to line the pockets of mega-churches, but we'll only do that to people who aren't jingoistically towing the line, so don't worry about it.

So ask yourself young man or woman, do you want to be a judgemental dickhead, but hate actually being judged yourself? Great! Welcome to the South Park Republicans! Who needs all that 'he without sin' nonsense when you can just start chucking stones because it's funny to you?

If you're a suburban raised, upper middle class douchebag who feels like you deserve opressed-person status because somebody once gave you a slightly dirty look after you told a jew joke at the country club, then sign the fuck up!

Someday the whole world will 'respect our authoritah!', or else we'll overextend ourselves across the world and crumble like every other meglomaniacal empire in history. Either way, at least we'll get a good laugh out of it!



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