The 'Suck On This, Darwin' Awards

The awards I just made up for people that have absolutely no right to be alive. Be it through their own terrible habits or imploding under the weight of their own lack of talent, these 'winners' make the notion of 'survival of the fittest' sound as silly as Jesus coming back in a hot air balloon to take everyone to the happy cloudy place.

The Viktor Yushchenko 'what's it gonna take to kill you' Award:

Shane MacGowan. At this point, the Pogues' frontman is just a walking 'fuck you' to everything we've ever been told about alcohol. From 'Leaving Las Vegas' to 'Lost Weekend', it's apparently all lies.




The Paul McCrane 'Your Dead! We Killed You!' Award:

Gotta go to Ashlee Simpson. I doubt if anyone will even bother pointing it out the next time she fakes it or makes herself look like a total ass. In fact, now that her management knows that she's got a free pass, I'm guessing they'll be even more brazen and start releasing old Nat King Cole albums with his name crossed out and her's written over it.





And finally, the 'Pope John Paul II' Award, given to the person whose body only seems to hang on to prove how many idiots will listen to what you say even though you stopped actually making any sense about a hundred years ago:

Army Archerd. This Variety magazine 'reporter' hasn't actually reported anything seemingly since the invention of the printing press. For some weird reason, however, he's constantly allowed to fill up space on E! Television offering insights into the breakup of Jen and Brad like, "Where am I?" and "Who took my pudding?".

Well, that's it for this time. Spring for a banquet hall with an open bar and I'll give out more.