Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Friday, February 04, 2005

One's a Bumbling Idiot, the Other is Fictional

I had two things I wanted to write about, the State Of The Union address and finally tracking down the 'The Curse of The Pink Panther starring Ted Wass' on Encore the other day. Why not do both at the same time?

In 1983/1984, they must've shown Curse of The Pink Panther on cable TV 100 times. I know this because I watched it at least 20 times. Even at the young age of 13, I knew that this movie stunk to high heaven of a desperate Blake Edwards still trying to cash in on the Panther franchise after its only reason for existence had left. Fresh off of 'The Trail of The Pink Panther', which didn't fool anyone (and might've been the last movie to be a clip show), they threw poor Ted Wass into the role of 'Clifton Sleigh', bumbling New York cop trying to track Clouseau down.

Look at that smug little prick. Does this fucking idiot really think he's doing a good job? I can't believe he's trotting out that bogus 'home ownership' statistic again! Unless they start destroying five homes for every one they build, home ownership will ALWAYS be at an all time high. And asbestos? You've fucking murdered over 100,000 people and you're worried about frivolous asbestos lawsuits? What the fuck?

Even though I fully realized that Ted Wass was no Peter Sellers, this movie still had a lot of appealing things for a new teenager; hot european women, exotic foriegn locales, the always brilliant Herbert Lom, Harvey freaking Korman, Robert goddamn Loggia as a mob boss. What more could you want?

Has he really had that many mini-strokes that he can't remember the first 3 years of his last administration? You fucking insecure rethug assholes act like one election forgives EVERYTHING. It's like asking a cab driver to take you to a restaurant across town, having him drive you into the desert, force you at gunpoint to strangle a hooker, go bury her corpse, then suck his dick and live as his manservant for three years. Then he drives you to the theatre you wanted to go to and says, "How could you complain? I brought you exactly where you wanted to go to.".

The sad thing is that there was a clear attempt to eliminate this movie. It's not available on video, it's never mentioned in a retrospective (although the much worse 'Son of The Pink Panther' with Roberto Benigni is.), and except for this once, at 5AM on a Thursday, hasn't been on TV in years. I know it hasn't been on TV in years because I put Ted Wass on a Tivo wishlist just in the hopes that I would catch this movie one day! Oooh... I probably should've kept that last part to myself.

The rest was no suprises at all. Same old transparent sucking up to the Christians, placating the very people that his policies are going to fuck right in the ass (at least until the penalty for ass-fucking is death). Afterwards, it was PAINFUL to watch people like Cokie Roberts and George Will come all over themselves talking about 'the moment'. That heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, 'not-at-all-rehearsed' bit of magic where the Iraqi woman turns around and hugs the woman whose son bravely died in combat so that he wouldn't have to come back to Kentucky and work at Hardees. Congratulations to the Bush team for finding the only parents of a fallen serviceman who don't want to take a swing at him. VERY moving.

There is only one review of Curse of The Pink Panther on IMDB, and it is given the seemingly surprised title, "Not Bad". My thoughts exactly. It also has the added fun of existing in that short period of time when computers could do ANYTHING. In 'Curse', there was a supercomputer that you could actually TALK to. Even Joshua in Wargames had to be typed at! Take that Superman III embezzle-bot!!!

And lastly, my inexplicable love for this movie is in no way an endorsement for the upcoming Steve Martin version that looks like it will be one of his worst movies since Sgt. Bilko.

And just once, I'd like to see the democratic response be, "Well... That was bullshit. Goodnight."



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