Guest columnist Patton Oswalt

Ok, so Patton's not really writing for this site. In fact, I just stole this off of the Tenacious D message board. It's still pretty god dang-diddly fucking funny though. When asked why he didn't like Florida;

"Okay, Florida. Florida is a gigantic, mutant, pus-infected failure-cock hanging off the chin of America. Our National Birth Defect. It's filled, base-of-shaft to flaccid tip, with jocks trying to fight off gay panic by sheer, whites-of-the-eyes date rape. To the north you've got ass-bellied Orlando Disney tourists full of boredom for their spouses, contempt for their kids, and impacted fecal Doritos polyps. If Orlando bums you out, you can always travel south, where there's plenty of possum-fucking swamp rednecks who think the word "nigger" is a scientific phylum. The women are hot for fifteen minutes when they're seventeen, then quickly turn into leathery cunt-sows who can only come if you hit them in the pussy with a wrench. And let's not forget the sun-crazed faggots in Miami who live a Bizarro Universe version of Jock World, alternately acting like screaming queens and rough trade. Then there's the Cubans, who make up 90% of the population, commit 5% of the crime, and are blamed for the state going down the toilet. Is it any wonder God has sent three Class 5 hurricanes to try to hose the pubic lice off the crabby prick that is Florida? Anyone with enough sense not to shit their pants when they try to tie their shoes flees the state as soon as they can afford a bus ticket. The only reason John D. McDonald and Carl Hiassen came out of that state is because they had a karmic debt the size of Asia to pay off.

Good fish tacos, though.".