Current Events Joke o' the Day #1

From the 'Of no interest to anyone but me' file...

Since April, I've been writing a joke a day based on something in the Huffington Post. Here's what's been done so far, and I'll try and update this every week or so;

Fed Chairman Ben Burnanke says the bailouts made him 'really uncomfortable'. This is about as sincere and helpful as the school bully telling you that when he punched you in the mouth and took your lunch money, the lunch he bought with it 'totally gave him diarrhea'.

Levi Johnston, the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin, told Tyra Banks that they always had safe sex and that her pregnancy must've been the result of a 'wardrobe malfunction'. Now I'm starting to understand why everyone freaked out over the Janet Jackson thing.

France has agreed to take one prisoner from Guantanamo off the U.S.'s hands as a good will gesture. As good will gestures go, this ranks right behind flipping the door open a little, so the guy behind you has a head start.

A Somali Pirate ship hijacked a ship with 20 Americans on board yesterday. It marks the first time Pirates have won in April since Willie Stargell retired...
(ask your parents)

A State representative in Texas was quoted as saying that if Asian people want to vote in this country, they should change their names to something more 'accessible to Texans'. In response, the center for the Houston Rockets will now be known as 'Yahoo Trucknuts'...

Barack Obama has agreed to buy Hybrid cars for Government use. Experts predict his next proposals will involve Whirrled Peas and keeping DC weird...

The Catholic Church, in a desperate attempt to be hip, released a parody video of the ShamWow adds called 'SoulWow'. The Church is much happier with this version than their first attempt, the 'ShamBelief System'...

John Madden retired from broadcasting today after a long and distinguished career. Frank Caliendo's career could not be found for comment.

A protest leader in Thailand survived an assassination attempt during which 84 shots were fired at him on Friday morning, or as 50-Cent calls it, 'breakfast'.

Bush officials are defending the 1000 calorie a day limit that used to be placed on Guantanamo detainees, saying that Jenny Craig and SlimFast also restrict calories this way. They maintain, however, that testicle electrocution was strictly Weight Watchers' idea...

A Jamaican plane hijacker was taken into custody after an 8 hour standoff in Kingston yesterday. Authorities said that in the end, the hijacker's demands could not be met, because 8 hours wasn't nearly enough time to get a copy of the Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon as the soundtrack and 6 gallons of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby...

Bob Dylan was quoted recently as saying that N.W.A. founder, Dr. Dre was one of the driving forces that has killed off the kind of music he loves. Either that, or he was reciting a tuna casserole recipe. It's impossible to tell.

Scientists have been meeting to discuss advances being made in weather controlling machines. They all agree that the most difficult part of inventing weather controlling machines is finding enough white cats to slowly pet while they describe them.

Rachel Maddow's ratings have been steadily declining since her strong debut, marking the first time she's been upset to see anything go down.

The founder of the 'Minutemen Militia', the group that patrols Arizona's border looking to capture illegal aliens, is planning to run for US Senate against John McCain in the next election. He is expected to carry the 'I am so dense that I have no idea how the food service industry works, why my vegetables are so cheap, and how my yard and pool are maintained' vote.

Environmental groups have expressed concern over a 'Texas sized' garbage patch that no one seems to want to acknowledge. In addition to being the size of Texas, the garbage patch coincidentally enough also shares the same geographic coordinates, Capitol city, and residents as Texas.

The actor who plays Desmond Hume on the TV program 'Lost' is fighting a sexual harassment suit filed by a woman who works for ABC. The woman eventually became skeptical about his claim that if her ass wasn't grabbed every 108 minutes that everyone would die.

Kirstie Alley was on Oprah the other day and said that she would "like Michelle Obama's arms". However, she did not make it clear how she would eat them.

A couple was arrested after having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle, where Queen Elizabeth lives. The Queen later said, "I don't think anyone's gone after a set of jewels like that here since Oliver Cromwell in 1649".

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. In hopes of drumming up some publicity, the couple has adopted one of those celebrity marriage nicknames. Unfortunately, only Siamese twins joined at the tongue can pronounce it correctly.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. They're registered at Beed, Baath, and Beeyoond.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. I haven't seen that many useless A's since Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco testified in front of Congress.

Joe 'The Plumber' Werzelbacher was recently quoted as saying he wouldn't want 'queers' anywhere near his kids. A pretty bold statement from a guy who snakes out shit-filled orifices for a living.

Kiefer Sutherland has been accused of head-butting a New York clothes designer outside an event in New York City Monday night. While the designer was not hurt seriously, there is still no word on the condition of the chair Kiefer had to stand on.

A Wall Street Journal Op-Ed piece states that the GOP needs to 'forget about Ronald Reagan', adding, "You know, like Ronald Reagan did..."

Trey Anastasio, front man for the music band Phish, testified to congress today about the benefits of drug courts instead of jail time. Those present described the testimony as long, meandering and pointless, but if you act like you enjoy it, skanky hippie chicks will totally fuck you.

Maria Shriver is producing an HBO documentary about Alzheimer's Disease. The film is scheduled to air as soon as someone admits that they're stealing my money. I thought I ordered soup. What does this waiter want?

Keith Olbermann's wife was hired by the Weather Channel as a tornado chaser recently. However, the cable channel now admits that she might not be as experienced as they first thought, as they misinterpreted the part of her resume that said, "Years of close proximity to a blowhard".

In Sweden, health officials have ruled that gender-based abortion is legal, paving the way for expectant parents to terminate a pregnancy based on whether the fetus is a boy or a girl. Anyone who's ever seen the Swedish bikini Team standing next to a group of Swedish men wonders what the hell took them so long.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions defended keeping prisoners at Gitmo, saying that it provides inmates with 'Tropical Breezes'. He added, "Sure, we're going to try and jump start these guys' testicles like a 73 Pinto and make them feel like they're drowning every day until they're dead, but we don't want to make their lives unpleasant."

A new exhibit in New York City of John Lennon memorabilia includes the bloody clothes that Lennon was shot in which were given to the exhibit by Yoko Ono. Critics suggested that the next time Ono wants to make us all sick, she should just release more music.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele said recently that the best way to fight against gay marriage is to make it a small business issue, since companies will have to give more benefits out if gay marriage is made legal. The owner of one small business said while he'd like to support Steele and save money on insuring his employees, being the owner of 'Francisco's House of ass-less tuxedos' means it's a risk he'll probably have to take.

Actor Alec Baldwin is under fire from a Phillippine Senator after telling David Letterman last week that he would like more kids, and is thinking of getting a mail order bride from the Phillippines. The Senator said that Baldwin's comment gives unwarranted credence to the stereotype that Phillippino mail order brides could be used to bear children since most of them are obviously pre-op trannies.

Jessica Biel is quoted in the latest Allure magazine as saying, "My Beauty is really a problem", which in turn has caused many joke writers to injure themselves trying to be the first to use the punchline, "We must get to the bottom of this".

Bristol Palin recently told People magazine, "If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex". It's chapter one of a two hundred chapter book she's working on called, "Things I'm saying now that will really fuck up my kid in 20 years".

Sarah Palin responded, saying, "You'd think she would've figured that out after she had the retarded kid. Oh wait, are we still pretending that's mine? Uh... Joe Sixpack, you betcha."

Lars Von Trier's new film, 'Antichrist', which features graphic images of genital mutilation, is rumoured to be the front runner for winning the Palm-d'or at this year's Cannes Film Festival. The festival's head judge, Msr. Jean-Wayne Bobeet, called it a feel good movie that everyone can relate to.

One of the side effects of the Credit Card Bill of Rights act, passed last week by Congress, could be the end of the 'Free Credit Report.com' ads featuring a 20-something guy singing about their misleading product.

America's opinion of this falls into two categories; Some believe that this already makes Obama the greatest President in history, while others say the bill lacks teeth, and that that pirate hat-wearing douchebag should be publicly executed.

Oxford University's first female professor of poetry is being forced to resign in the midst of a sex scandal. Authorities became suspicious when she offered a graduate level class called 'Residents of Nantucket and their genital abnormalities'.

A student at the University of Chicago has started 'Men In Power', an advocacy group to help white males get ahead professionally and fight against reverse discrimination. Projects that the group is working on include scholarships for people with large trust funds, helping kids from the Dominican Republic develop an interest in baseball, and to tear down the statue of King Tutankhamun at the Oriental Institute and replace it with one of Don Draper.

Former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo claimed Thursday that Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor was in the 'Latino KKK'. This sounds much worse than it actually is, since the Latino KKK is just a nickname for the Mexican Society for Deaf People.

Heather Miller, a 10 year old girl fighting cancer, got a special treat from the Make-a-Wish foundation on Thursday when she got to meet the Pittsburgh Steelers. Linebacker James Harrison did not make the trip, saying, "If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when you don't have cancer. If the Cardinals had won, she'd probably want to meet them instead."

According to Peru's Environment Ministry, over 12 million cubic meters of raw sewage are dumped into Lake Titicaca every year. When asked about it, America's junior high school students all agreed that they when they first heard of this place, they had always hoped that the lake was full of titties...

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. This pleased George W Bush, as it now means there's a possibility his presidency could have a positive approval rating some day.

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. Other experts believe that this is probably just a result of women telling CalTech scientists, "I wouldn't sleep with you in a billion years."

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. Kim Jong-Il described the estimate as 'hilariously optimistic'.

A funeral home in South Carolina has been shut down after admitting that they cut the legs off of a 6' 7" man so that he would fit into his casket. The funeral home said, "In our defense, we tried it first with holes cut for the feet to stick out, but that just looked ridiculous".

A representative from Air France has told reporters that there is 'No hope of survivors' from flight 447 that is believed to have gone down over the Atlantic. He then coughed into his hand and muttered, "Time travelling island".