Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Friday, October 13, 2006

America, We're Not Going Anywhere Anytime Soon...

A lot of people (including me) have thought for some time now that the United States of America is in it's last throes. That this great experiment has run its course and it's now only a matter of time before either the Chinese or India turns us into just another 'also-ran' country.

But reading this morning about the invention of 'Deep Fried Coke' gives me hope. Not because it's particularly brilliant or innovative (in fact, it sounds totally gag-inducing), but because it provides us with another form of defense that I hadn't previously thought of.

You can't overthrow a country if you can't even roll over most of its citizens. In a hundred years, given the almost geometric invention rate of things that can be deep fried, this nation will be so morbidly obese that the very notion of attempting a conquest of it will be laughable and pointless. Who the hell would want to take over a nation of 300 million ignorant rednecks that weigh 550 pounds a piece? Aside from bolstering your nation's gravy industry, what would the incentive be?

In the next hundred years, I believe the State Fair industry will become America's only remaining manufacturing sector and that fierce competition between food stands will lead to an ability to deep fry digested food (ultimate recycling), thus bringing the cost down so that the average housebound American with no source of income will be able to continue their chosen lifestyle. Sure, 'Deep fried human waste' may not sound good now, but once they give it a catchy name and market the hell out of it, people will line up to fill their toilets with coconut oil and, if you'll excuse the expression, make their own Corn Dogs.

So where will it all end? Once America becomes a continent of beached whales groaning for their prying bars, what happens after that? I believe that eventually the deep-fried food industry will fall into a house-of-mirrors like prism when they invent the technology to deep fry oil itself. This in turn will cause the Earth to stop rotating on its axis and all life under 500 pounds to fly off it into space. Ironically, and in true American fashion, the cholestorol-laden tubbies that started this whole mess will be the only ones who survive.

So if you want to survive the next big apocolypse, get your hands on as much Deep Fried Coke as you can...



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