Back when I was a kid, Blogs were called 'imaginary friends' and were only slightly more pathetic.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Predictions on a Mother fu**ing Blog...

What kind of internet presence would I be if I never mentioned Snakes on a Plane? Well now that the movie is actually being released this weekend, here are my predictions on what will happen with this movie;

It's going to be a dud. Everyone who was going to see it regardless (middle American teenagers who paid to watch 'Saw 2', Philipino gang members busy waiting for the next Fast & Furious sequel and a few hardcore Samuel Jackson fans who still walk around saying, "Look at the big brain on Brad!!""Check out the big brain on Brett!!") will go see it, but at this point, there's no way it's going to connect with either mainstream audiences OR the hipster crowd. Indeed, cool internet-savvy hipsters is the market that this movie is now custom-designed for, but boneheaded decisions by dumbass movie executives have destroyed this movie's potential almost entirely.

If this movie had come out 3 months ago, every message board lurking geek on the planet would've seen it and it would've made 300 million dollars, but if there's one thing true about internet hipsters, it's that they're fickle assholes with the attention span of a gnat on crank. Just ask Interpol, Snow Patrol, The Bravery or 50 other bands that could've sold out Madison Square Garden for a week a year ago but would now have to open for Tapes 'n Tapes.

In true Hollywood fashion, the boneheads behind this movie not only looked a gift horse in the mouth, but stopped feeding it for two months in an attempt to make the movie fit what the internet buzz was. In the end they're left with a dead horse that's been painted up with slogans that were funny 6 months ago. Do you really think that the average trustafarian pot-head is going to be appreciative of the fact that the movie was re-shot so that Samuel Jackson actually says, "We gotta get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane"? Of course not. The average internet geek has since discovered 'Yacht Rock', 'DarkPlace' and 50 different videos starring Darth Vader (just scroll down). My guess is that the decision to delay this movie probably cost about 50 million dollars a week in lost revenue.

In the end, Snakes on a Plane will be one of those annoying footnotes to pop culture history like 'Whoomp, there it is' and 'Who let the dogs out' that dipshit rednecks will still bring up as if it's still relevant five years from now. That pretty much kills any hope of it being a 'Rocky Horror'-style cult film as well.

Two more reasons I know it's gonna tank, TWO BOOKS about how it's a really big deal, before the movie has even come out.

Expect a final gross of around $50 million and nearly negative DVD sales.

Oh, and P.S. Great work on the soundtrack fellas. Fallout Boy? Panic in the Disco? Coheed and Cambria? Why not just title the album, "Why the mid-00s suck"?

UPDATE: From a smarter guy than me, James Adomian of L.A. on a message board I was reading recently;
"The Snakes on a Plane phenomenon resurrects my hatred of that old "deliberately-irrelevant-because-everything-is" postmodernist surrender narrative.

The only pleasure people will be getting from this movie will be in the vein of, "Oh, look how stupid and useless we all are to be spoonfed this mishmash of cliches by our hopelessly superior corporate overlords." That's not the kind of healthy ironic skepticism that might help fix this shithole of a world we live in: those are the last words of a civilization begging to be put out of its misery.

We now live in an Orwellian dystopia. Snakes on a Plane shows that many of our brightest minds -- potentially the braintrust of a resistance or a revolution -- can be broken too easily. Torture the intelligentsia? Why bother? They'll marginalize themselves if you put out a deliberately bad movie!"

Couldn't have put it better myself (and didn't)...



Blogger Mo! blathered...

So this will reach whole level of suck: trying to be ironic. Kind of reminds me of when R. Kelley made chapters 6-12 of Trapped in the Closet funny-he knew people thought it was funny by that point so he tried to be funny.

11:41 AM


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