Scamboogah !!

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2010-07-21T19:57:00.001-07:00

@scamboogah on twitter.

Otherwise, you may return to your day.

Top 10s of the aughts

2009-11-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Albums of ye aughts;

10 - Gorillaz, Demon Days
9 - Air, 10,000 Hz Legend
8 - Phoenix, It's Never Been Like That
7 - Daft Punk, Discovery
6 - Dan Deacon, Spiderman of the Rings
5 - Girl Talk, Feed the Animals
4 - Interpol, Turn on The Bright Lights
3 - Mew, ...and The Glass Handed Kites
2 - Turin Brakes - Ether Song
1 - Avalanches - Since I Left You

Now Movies!!!

10 - Borat
9 - The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
8 - The Dark Knight
7 - Thumbsucker
6 - Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
5 - SuperBad
4 - City of God
3 - Donnie Darko
2 - Children of Men
1 - Lost in Translation

Now TV!!!

10 - Sealab:2021
9 - The Amazing Race
8 - Curb Your Enthusiasm
7 - Tom Goes to The Mayor
6 - Pardon the Interruption
5 - Aqua Teen Hunger Force
4 - The Office (UK Version)
3 - 30 Rock
2 - Mad Men
1 - Wonder Showzen

Now Podcasts!!!

10 - The 40 Year Old Boy w/ Mike Schmidt
9 - The Adam Carolla Podcast
8 - Matts Radio
7 - WTF w/ Marc Maron
6 - I Love Movies w/ Doug Benson
5 - Crap From the Past
4 - Comedy Death Ray Radio
3 - Comedy and Everything Else
2 - The BS Report w/ Bill Simmons
1 - Never Not Funny w/ Jimmy Pardo

joke

2009-06-17T17:53:00.001-07:00

The Mexican government found more than one ton of cocaine hidden inside sharks aboard a freight ship yesterday. The officials became suspicious when the sharks wouldn't stop talking about how great 'Fight Club' is...

Joke

2009-06-15T12:29:00.001-07:00

Italy has confirmed that they are open to accepting three prisoners from Guantanamo Bay when the U.S. closes that facility. Preference will be given to prisoners with plumbing experience or those with a history of jihad against coin-carrying turtles...

Joke

2009-06-14T14:28:00.001-07:00

Norman Brinker, the founder of Chili's Restaurant passed away last week. Brinker's son said, even though he got to live a long, productive life, he still wants his father back, father back, father back...

Jokes day 4

2009-06-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

Over 20 cats have been found killed and mutilated throughout South Florida over the last several weeks. Television executives tried to warn authorities that this was bound to happen once ALF was cancelled.

Joke #3

2009-06-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

RNC Chairman Michael Steele Steele told an audience in Minnesota that “no one knows what the hell it means” when the GOP refers to itself as a “big tent.” and offered another analogy: "The GOP is a hat". He went on to say that reports that the GOP is out of touch, providing no real insight into current problems and mired in completely pointless bullshit is 'ridiculous'.

Jokes #2

2009-06-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

American Idol winner Adam Lambert has assured people that 'all their questions will be answered' in an upcoming Rolling Stone interview. It is assumed that the most popular question asked of him is, "How completely retarded do you have to be not to already know you are gay?".

California's Murphy-Goode Winery is looking to fill a position that will have someone twitter about their wines for $10,000 a month. Whoever already owns the handle @Total_Asshole_who_should_totally_eat_a_bullet is highly encouraged to apply.

Current Events Joke o' the Day #1

2009-06-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

From the 'Of no interest to anyone but me' file...

Since April, I've been writing a joke a day based on something in the Huffington Post. Here's what's been done so far, and I'll try and update this every week or so;

Fed Chairman Ben Burnanke says the bailouts made him 'really uncomfortable'. This is about as sincere and helpful as the school bully telling you that when he punched you in the mouth and took your lunch money, the lunch he bought with it 'totally gave him diarrhea'.

Levi Johnston, the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin, told Tyra Banks that they always had safe sex and that her pregnancy must've been the result of a 'wardrobe malfunction'. Now I'm starting to understand why everyone freaked out over the Janet Jackson thing.

France has agreed to take one prisoner from Guantanamo off the U.S.'s hands as a good will gesture. As good will gestures go, this ranks right behind flipping the door open a little, so the guy behind you has a head start.

A Somali Pirate ship hijacked a ship with 20 Americans on board yesterday. It marks the first time Pirates have won in April since Willie Stargell retired...
(ask your parents)

A State representative in Texas was quoted as saying that if Asian people want to vote in this country, they should change their names to something more 'accessible to Texans'. In response, the center for the Houston Rockets will now be known as 'Yahoo Trucknuts'...

Barack Obama has agreed to buy Hybrid cars for Government use. Experts predict his next proposals will involve Whirrled Peas and keeping DC weird...

The Catholic Church, in a desperate attempt to be hip, released a parody video of the ShamWow adds called 'SoulWow'. The Church is much happier with this version than their first attempt, the 'ShamBelief System'...

John Madden retired from broadcasting today after a long and distinguished career. Frank Caliendo's career could not be found for comment.

A protest leader in Thailand survived an assassination attempt during which 84 shots were fired at him on Friday morning, or as 50-Cent calls it, 'breakfast'.

Bush officials are defending the 1000 calorie a day limit that used to be placed on Guantanamo detainees, saying that Jenny Craig and SlimFast also restrict calories this way. They maintain, however, that testicle electrocution was strictly Weight Watchers' idea...

A Jamaican plane hijacker was taken into custody after an 8 hour standoff in Kingston yesterday. Authorities said that in the end, the hijacker's demands could not be met, because 8 hours wasn't nearly enough time to get a copy of the Wizard of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon as the soundtrack and 6 gallons of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby...

Bob Dylan was quoted recently as saying that N.W.A. founder, Dr. Dre was one of the driving forces that has killed off the kind of music he loves. Either that, or he was reciting a tuna casserole recipe. It's impossible to tell.

Scientists have been meeting to discuss advances being made in weather controlling machines. They all agree that the most difficult part of inventing weather controlling machines is finding enough white cats to slowly pet while they describe them.

Rachel Maddow's ratings have been steadily declining since her strong debut, marking the first time she's been upset to see anything go down.

The founder of the 'Minutemen Militia', the group that patrols Arizona's border looking to capture illegal aliens, is planning to run for US Senate against John McCain in the next election. He is expected to carry the 'I am so dense that I have no idea how the food service industry works, why my vegetables are so cheap, and how my yard and pool are maintained' vote.

Environmental groups have expressed concern over a 'Texas sized' garbage patch that no one seems to want to acknowledge. In addition to being the size of Texas, the garbage patch coincidentally enough also shares the same geographic coordinates, Capitol city, and residents as Texas.

The actor who plays Desmond Hume on the TV program 'Lost' is fighting a sexual harassment suit filed by a woman who works for ABC. The woman eventually became skeptical about his claim that if her ass wasn't grabbed every 108 minutes that everyone would die.

Kirstie Alley was on Oprah the other day and said that she would "like Michelle Obama's arms". However, she did not make it clear how she would eat them.

A couple was arrested after having sex on the lawn of Windsor Castle, where Queen Elizabeth lives. The Queen later said, "I don't think anyone's gone after a set of jewels like that here since Oliver Cromwell in 1649".

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. In hopes of drumming up some publicity, the couple has adopted one of those celebrity marriage nicknames. Unfortunately, only Siamese twins joined at the tongue can pronounce it correctly.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. They're registered at Beed, Baath, and Beeyoond.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were married over the weekend. I haven't seen that many useless A's since Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco testified in front of Congress.

Joe 'The Plumber' Werzelbacher was recently quoted as saying he wouldn't want 'queers' anywhere near his kids. A pretty bold statement from a guy who snakes out shit-filled orifices for a living.

Kiefer Sutherland has been accused of head-butting a New York clothes designer outside an event in New York City Monday night. While the designer was not hurt seriously, there is still no word on the condition of the chair Kiefer had to stand on.

A Wall Street Journal Op-Ed piece states that the GOP needs to 'forget about Ronald Reagan', adding, "You know, like Ronald Reagan did..."

Trey Anastasio, front man for the music band Phish, testified to congress today about the benefits of drug courts instead of jail time. Those present described the testimony as long, meandering and pointless, but if you act like you enjoy it, skanky hippie chicks will totally fuck you.

Maria Shriver is producing an HBO documentary about Alzheimer's Disease. The film is scheduled to air as soon as someone admits that they're stealing my money. I thought I ordered soup. What does this waiter want?

Keith Olbermann's wife was hired by the Weather Channel as a tornado chaser recently. However, the cable channel now admits that she might not be as experienced as they first thought, as they misinterpreted the part of her resume that said, "Years of close proximity to a blowhard".

In Sweden, health officials have ruled that gender-based abortion is legal, paving the way for expectant parents to terminate a pregnancy based on whether the fetus is a boy or a girl. Anyone who's ever seen the Swedish bikini Team standing next to a group of Swedish men wonders what the hell took them so long.

Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions defended keeping prisoners at Gitmo, saying that it provides inmates with 'Tropical Breezes'. He added, "Sure, we're going to try and jump start these guys' testicles like a 73 Pinto and make them feel like they're drowning every day until they're dead, but we don't want to make their lives unpleasant."

A new exhibit in New York City of John Lennon memorabilia includes the bloody clothes that Lennon was shot in which were given to the exhibit by Yoko Ono. Critics suggested that the next time Ono wants to make us all sick, she should just release more music.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele said recently that the best way to fight against gay marriage is to make it a small business issue, since companies will have to give more benefits out if gay marriage is made legal. The owner of one small business said while he'd like to support Steele and save money on insuring his employees, being the owner of 'Francisco's House of ass-less tuxedos' means it's a risk he'll probably have to take.

Actor Alec Baldwin is under fire from a Phillippine Senator after telling David Letterman last week that he would like more kids, and is thinking of getting a mail order bride from the Phillippines. The Senator said that Baldwin's comment gives unwarranted credence to the stereotype that Phillippino mail order brides could be used to bear children since most of them are obviously pre-op trannies.

Jessica Biel is quoted in the latest Allure magazine as saying, "My Beauty is really a problem", which in turn has caused many joke writers to injure themselves trying to be the first to use the punchline, "We must get to the bottom of this".

Bristol Palin recently told People magazine, "If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex". It's chapter one of a two hundred chapter book she's working on called, "Things I'm saying now that will really fuck up my kid in 20 years".

Sarah Palin responded, saying, "You'd think she would've figured that out after she had the retarded kid. Oh wait, are we still pretending that's mine? Uh... Joe Sixpack, you betcha."

Lars Von Trier's new film, 'Antichrist', which features graphic images of genital mutilation, is rumoured to be the front runner for winning the Palm-d'or at this year's Cannes Film Festival. The festival's head judge, Msr. Jean-Wayne Bobeet, called it a feel good movie that everyone can relate to.

One of the side effects of the Credit Card Bill of Rights act, passed last week by Congress, could be the end of the 'Free Credit Report.com' ads featuring a 20-something guy singing about their misleading product.

America's opinion of this falls into two categories; Some believe that this already makes Obama the greatest President in history, while others say the bill lacks teeth, and that that pirate hat-wearing douchebag should be publicly executed.

Oxford University's first female professor of poetry is being forced to resign in the midst of a sex scandal. Authorities became suspicious when she offered a graduate level class called 'Residents of Nantucket and their genital abnormalities'.

A student at the University of Chicago has started 'Men In Power', an advocacy group to help white males get ahead professionally and fight against reverse discrimination. Projects that the group is working on include scholarships for people with large trust funds, helping kids from the Dominican Republic develop an interest in baseball, and to tear down the statue of King Tutankhamun at the Oriental Institute and replace it with one of Don Draper.

Former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo claimed Thursday that Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor was in the 'Latino KKK'. This sounds much worse than it actually is, since the Latino KKK is just a nickname for the Mexican Society for Deaf People.

Heather Miller, a 10 year old girl fighting cancer, got a special treat from the Make-a-Wish foundation on Thursday when she got to meet the Pittsburgh Steelers. Linebacker James Harrison did not make the trip, saying, "If you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when you don't have cancer. If the Cardinals had won, she'd probably want to meet them instead."

According to Peru's Environment Ministry, over 12 million cubic meters of raw sewage are dumped into Lake Titicaca every year. When asked about it, America's junior high school students all agreed that they when they first heard of this place, they had always hoped that the lake was full of titties...

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. This pleased George W Bush, as it now means there's a possibility his presidency could have a positive approval rating some day.

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. Other experts believe that this is probably just a result of women telling CalTech scientists, "I wouldn't sleep with you in a billion years."

Scientists at CalTech believe the Earth could be habitable for another 2.3 billion years, extending previous estimates of life’s horizon by more than 1 billion years. Kim Jong-Il described the estimate as 'hilariously optimistic'.

A funeral home in South Carolina has been shut down after admitting that they cut the legs off of a 6' 7" man so that he would fit into his casket. The funeral home said, "In our defense, we tried it first with holes cut for the feet to stick out, but that just looked ridiculous".

A representative from Air France has told reporters that there is 'No hope of survivors' from flight 447 that is believed to have gone down over the Atlantic. He then coughed into his hand and muttered, "Time travelling island".

Don't ask, just watch...

2008-03-08T13:59:00.001-08:00

Find more videos like this on aspecialthing

Jan

2008-01-23T18:47:00.001-08:00

Nov.

2007-12-06T08:09:00.001-08:00

Oct.

2007-12-06T08:08:00.000-08:00

Time to Catch Up on Comedy Fliers

2007-12-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

Don't Throw That $7 In The Street Just Yet...

2007-08-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

Le Olympique d' Hipster

2007-08-27T14:30:00.001-07:00

Hipster Olympics

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If This Girl's Not Careful, She Might Give People The Impression That South Carolina's Full Of Idiots...

2007-08-26T13:17:00.001-07:00

And Now, A Word From Henry Rollins' Brother...

2007-08-17T12:37:00.001-07:00

Louis CK Animation

2007-08-05T16:48:00.001-07:00

Louis CK gives animation the 'PT Anderson' treatment (loading it up with father issues);

Oh How Unfortunate...

2007-07-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's an indian word that means, "You should probably change that";

Mark Your Calendars

2007-07-11T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's Me! Only without the gut...

2007-07-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

Make your own Simpsons character at The Simpsons Movie site

Ewwwwwww..........

2007-07-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

NBA Draft Coverage, Courtesy of a Sock Puppet With a Slightly Racist Accent...

2007-06-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently, it must be impossible to get thrown out of the NBA Draft...

Maybe The Best Use Of An Expensive Prop Ever...

2007-06-22T14:51:00.001-07:00

Like CatNip For Geeks. More Phun With Photoshop...

2007-06-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

For more greatness, check out Planet Hiltron.

Since I'm Pretty Sure I'm Dead, Why Don't You Just Tell Me The Score Of The Red Wings Game...

2007-06-14T14:51:00.001-07:00

A pretty old story, but funny as hell nonetheless. Cop seizes pot, Cop bakes pot into Brownies, Cop calls cops because he's a lightweight who thinks he overdosed on pot...

The Smiths On Children's Television

2007-06-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of this clip is when a little girl asks Morrissey, "Where are we going?".

"We're going Mad", says Moz, trying to blow her little mind.

"Oh, I thought we were going to Kew Gardens".

Check and mate, you mopey bastard.

Your powers are useless against children, Morrissey!! Get out of there!!

Good Thing He's Not A Proctologist!! Boing!!

2007-06-05T09:18:00.000-07:00

You Take Enough Of This Stuff And You'll Start To Think Beating Off In A Movie Theatre Is A Good Idea...

2007-05-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

My Name Is Superman, How Can I Be Providing You With Great Service Today?

2007-05-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

I predict that in 30 years, televisions will have 10,000 channels.

9,999 will be playing something like this;

"Yes, I Think It Was Something Like, But Not Necessarily Schindler's List...

2007-05-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Flight of the Conchords have a show debuting on HBO on June 16th. I highly recommend watching then, or watching it now on their MySpace page.

P.S. Play the above video to understand the title of this post.

Wait, Isn't This Supposed To Be About Spiderman? Wait, Isn't This Supposed To Be About Sports?

2007-05-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

Oh Randy and Jason Sklar, what kind of weird universe have you guys gotten yourself into?

No Description

2007-05-02T14:41:00.001-07:00

The Citizen Kane Of 3 Minute Movies Made At Jeff's Apartment On Albion Street...

2007-04-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

I'm proud to finally be able to present the 2nd place winner of 2005's San Francisco 3 minute Film Festival. Wait, not proud, what's the word? Oh yeah, deeply apologetic...

Get Yer Chuckle On...

2007-04-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

Click on this sucker for details on how to get tickets:

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man!!

2007-04-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

If you aren't watching 'Human Giant' on MTV, shame on you.

Master Shake, Unmasked!!

2007-04-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

A smooth, not at all awkward, interview with Dana Snyder, AKA Master Shake from the upcoming blockbuster, Academy award winning super-film, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Colon, Film For Movie Theatres;

Dan Deacon, Hipster Wack-job...

2007-03-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

When I watch this, I just keep seeing some Savannah, Georgia morning news producer saying, "What the hell? Fire all the interns!"

A Bag Of Holding Is Not A Weapon, Sir...

2007-03-27T16:34:00.000-07:00

Love the Onion, but hate to read? Good news!!

Mr. Balloon Hands...

2007-03-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Annoying Hipster Douchebag

2007-03-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

My favorite line; "Gentrification. Get used to it"

R.l.P. Calvert 'Larry Bud Mehlman' DeForest

2007-03-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered if Larry was still alive. Well as of last Thursday, the answer is 'no';

More French Than A Baguette Having Sex With A Croissant...

2007-03-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

Oh how I envy people with massive bags of disposable income. Those people, if they weren't mostly assholes with no musical taste, could go see French bands AIR and PHOENIX at the palace of Versailles this June. I'll just have to settle for seeing Air by themselves at the Masonic hall in San Fran next month. If you can't make it to either one, enjoy this;

What If I Don't Want To Wait Until Pay Day To Kill Someone?

2007-03-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Bring The Soda Machine Back...

2007-03-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

A clip from Bob Odenkirk's never aired sketch show, 'Next'...

Bad Companies To Be CEO Of In The Early 80s, Part I...

2007-03-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

That Idiot Cleary...

2007-03-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

Ingrates at RooftopComedy.com give Jeff only one minute of publicity, despite the fact that he brought more people to the 50 Mason Comedy Club than they've ever seen;

Casey and His Brother

2007-03-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Battlin'... 80s style

2007-03-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

A Synthesizer SHOWDOWN from 1985; Herbie Hancock v. Thomas Dolby v. Howard Jones v. Stevie Wonder. If the movie Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band had been made in the 80s instead of the 70s, the final scene of it would look just like this, complete with japanese subtitles...

Kudos to the Thighmaster

Tell Me About Webster...

2007-02-27T08:29:00.000-08:00

Two episodes of the best new talk show out there...

Sounds Great, Except for the VH1 Part...

2007-02-26T17:14:00.000-08:00

Click here for video

The Comedy Stylings of Tim Heidecker

2007-02-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

This will probably only be funny to people that see a lot of open mic stand up, and to people who realize Tim Heidecker's a genius;

Jesus is a Pervert

2007-02-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

Player's Club, Baby...

2007-02-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Check out the incredible varying degrees of shame on this actress' face as Telly Savalas croons. You can almost hear her thinking about how she moved out to Hollywood with all these dreams of stardom and fame and now it's come down to sex with Kojak just to pay the rent;

Prepare Your Mind For A Mind Explosion... The Illusionators

2007-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

Illusionators
Uploaded by humangiant

The Enduring Legacy of Dane Cook

2007-02-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

In honor of my buddy Jeff performing at 50 Mason Street Comedy Club this Saturday (2/3 8PM. Tickets are still available!!!), here's the best comedian ever. This guy's a true master at crowd work. Just watch him deftly handle a rowdy crowd. I'm not sure what his name is, but I think this clip got him a full scholarship to Duke University;

Why Did God Tell Us To Put The Church In The Wrong Place?

2007-01-31T15:11:00.000-08:00

There's something very Monty Python about this...

Starcade!!

2007-01-23T07:35:00.000-08:00

I totally don't remember this game show from the early '80s, which is weird, because it was custom created for the 11-year old dork I was in 1981. Hosts of the show included Alex Trebek and, for some reason, Mike Eruzione

The best part of these full episodes are the prizes they give away. My favorite is 'Mr. Disc', the record player that's as big as a shoe!!! (That's the actual tagline).

Space Talk Episode Two

2007-01-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

SuperDeluxe.com is now online!!

2007-01-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

My new favorite show ever, Space Talk From Dimension Eugene

Suck It, Criss Angel...

2006-12-28T13:39:00.000-08:00

Best of Craigslist

2006-12-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Do you love reading hate-filled diatribes by people with no other avenue of complaint other than some website run out of a dumpy victorian in San Francisco?

Me too!

2006 Best of Craigslist

New Dummies book

2006-12-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

If the image doesn't work, just imagine something funny and say to yourself, "Imageshack sucks".

Judson Laipply, Most Unintentionally Funny Comedian Ever...

2006-12-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled upon a list of the Most viewed YouTube videos of all time. The runaway champion was this ~~lovely young lady~~ uh, guy Judson Laipply doing something called 'The Evolution of Dance'. If you don't feel like watching the video, this guy does about 20 different dances in a few minutes. THAT'S IT. NO JOKES. NOTHING INSPIRATIONAL. JUST DANCING. Apparently 32 million people think this is pretty damn hilarious. If I live to a hundred, I'm not sure I'll ever understand why.

What is much, much funnier about this 'inspirational comedian', however, is his bio that somehow suckers company CEOs, schools and other annoying HR types to pay this guy $11,000 a pop to 'entertain' the troops.

But don't listen to me, let's let Jud tell us what makes him so high-freaking-larious;

"Drawing from his vast array of experiences that include: working on a cruise ship, playing 4 years of Varsity baseball, working at a camp in Colorado, being a certified Aerobics instructor, teaching college courses, being a published poet, part- time auctioneer, and weekly columnist he can relate to almost any audience."

"No stranger to recognition, Jud was chosen as The Upper Midwest Region's and Wisconsin Region's Outstanding Educational Session Presenter."

"Do not miss his finale “The Evolution of Dance” – considered by many to be the funniest 6 minutes you’ll ever see."

Judson, who, let's face it, is about as gay as you can get, also teaches a seminar called 'Creative Dating' (I never considered buttsex to be all that creative, but I guess it is thinking outside the box [ha ha]). Check out this testimonial from a confused red-stater who is now living his life according to the teachings of someone he probably just voted against being allowed to marry;

Before attending Creative Dating here at UTD in the fall of 1997, I was clueless about women. At that time, I was just beginning a promising relationship. Over the course of a year, I used many of the tips and excellent advice you expertly shared. A year later, my girlfriend and I love each other more than I imagined possible. Your advice didn't teach me how to win her heart, it taught me how to earn her love.
~~ C.S., The University of Texas at Dallas

Red Foxx For Colt 45

2006-12-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

Jesus H...

2006-12-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

How many editors' hands did this pass through without anyone saying, "Now wait a goddamn minute"? --

Here's the actual magazine link

Louis CK at Comic Relief

2006-11-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

Human Giant the tv series, Coming Soon...

2006-11-23T10:28:00.000-08:00

It's The Big Day, Now I'll Shut Up About It...

2006-11-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

The official video of Borat coming to San Francisco:

Borat Black Carpet

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Album Of The Year...

2006-11-02T09:11:00.000-08:00

I've heard some decent CDs over the last year (Muse, TV On The Radio, Darkel), but the hands down winner for my record of the year goes to:

MEW - And The Glass Handed Kites

A real mashup of everything from Dinosaur Jr. to Lush to My Bloody Valentine, Danish Space-rockers Mew really hit a home run with this, their second album. With songs that bleed into each other and usually have incredibly brave, over-the-top payoffs, I absolutely cannot stop listening to this. Thieve this off the internets at once, or if you're one of those old school types, go into a record store and buy it.

Speaking of which, I checked out Tower Records' Going out of business sale last weekend, and all I can say is 'Good riddance'. 20% off sounds great until you walk into the store and realize that every single CD they sell is marked at $18.99. Really? In this day and age when you can buy spindles of 100 blank CDs for the price of a vente Frappuccino, you're gonna charge nearly 20 bucks for one with the new My Chemical Romance on it? Hopefully Tower is just the first in a long list of asshole corporations that have been raping music consumers for the last 30 years.

And finally, most disappointing album of the year; BECK - THE INFORMATION. I think my wife put it best during Beck's recent performance on Saturday Night Live, "Where's the joy?". Sure, he's still doing wacky-ass shit like performing with puppets and having his band play dinnerware, but Beck himself constantly looks like he no longer cares about what he's doing. The new album, despite having been billed as an eagerly-awaited return to Odelay/Midnite Vultures style party music, is really uninspired and boring. What the hell ever happened to the guy who wrote classics like 'Beercan' and 'No money no honey'? Oh yeah, scientology...

You're next, Sam Goody!!!

The Ten Types Of Republicans...

2006-10-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

Jews are Jesus' Children, So She Probably Loves Jews...

2006-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

More Borat!!

And now, the first four minutes of the film...

Only 80 Million Tengel...

2006-10-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

Posted By:Borat

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

America, We're Not Going Anywhere Anytime Soon...

2006-10-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

A lot of people (including me) have thought for some time now that the United States of America is in it's last throes. That this great experiment has run its course and it's now only a matter of time before either the Chinese or India turns us into just another 'also-ran' country.

But reading this morning about the invention of 'Deep Fried Coke' gives me hope. Not because it's particularly brilliant or innovative (in fact, it sounds totally gag-inducing), but because it provides us with another form of defense that I hadn't previously thought of.

You can't overthrow a country if you can't even roll over most of its citizens. In a hundred years, given the almost geometric invention rate of things that can be deep fried, this nation will be so morbidly obese that the very notion of attempting a conquest of it will be laughable and pointless. Who the hell would want to take over a nation of 300 million ignorant rednecks that weigh 550 pounds a piece? Aside from bolstering your nation's gravy industry, what would the incentive be?

In the next hundred years, I believe the State Fair industry will become America's only remaining manufacturing sector and that fierce competition between food stands will lead to an ability to deep fry digested food (ultimate recycling), thus bringing the cost down so that the average housebound American with no source of income will be able to continue their chosen lifestyle. Sure, 'Deep fried human waste' may not sound good now, but once they give it a catchy name and market the hell out of it, people will line up to fill their toilets with coconut oil and, if you'll excuse the expression, make their own Corn Dogs.

So where will it all end? Once America becomes a continent of beached whales groaning for their prying bars, what happens after that? I believe that eventually the deep-fried food industry will fall into a house-of-mirrors like prism when they invent the technology to deep fry oil itself. This in turn will cause the Earth to stop rotating on its axis and all life under 500 pounds to fly off it into space. Ironically, and in true American fashion, the cholestorol-laden tubbies that started this whole mess will be the only ones who survive.

So if you want to survive the next big apocolypse, get your hands on as much Deep Fried Coke as you can...

I'm So Done With Threadless...

2006-10-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Or, "Hipster Reform School, Lesson #227".

About six months ago, I saw a t-shirt design that was awesome. It was hilarious, timed just right and made me think art wasn't dead after all. The design was the 'Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man' from Ghostbusters wandering Godzilla style through New York City with a big subscript underneath that said, "NEVER FORGET". Fucking brilliant.

This design was part of Threadless.com's never ending search for the next uber-hipster t-shirt that Seth Cohen will be wearing on every other episode of The O.C.*. The way their site works is that hundreds of designs are submitted and they choose a couple each week to actually produce and sell. This all sounds like a sound business plan, but in actual operation it sucks, mainly because the internet is filled with losers.

Over the past months, I've looked over all the designs in the running (probably 3 to 4 hundred a week) looking for stuff I like. Most (and I'm talking 99.99%) of the designs are fucking awful. Nothing but bleeding heart, amateur Tim Burton ripoffs made for Cutters by Cutters. Honestly, if I see another of their designs that features teenage depression as it's inspiration, I'm gonna puke.

Every once in awhile, however, one of their designers will come up with something I think is clever. Examples include this, this and this. The problem? Threadless will never make these shirts because the losers they have in charge there have no sense of humor and insist on putting out the same dumb joke shirts and unicorn/Nightmare before Christmas crap that brings in the 12 to 14 year old crowd.

So screw you Threadless. Stop encouraging shitty designers. You're only making aging hipster geeks like me angry...

* - I realize that an O.C. reference makes me totally outdated, but Laguna Beach sucks, and you're not going to make me watch it.

Darkel

2006-10-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Video for "At the End of the Sky". Very reminiscent of the early 'Air' videos...

Mr. Roger's Confronts The Forces That Destroyed Him...

2006-09-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

He's not a carpenter, you idiot!! He's a plumber!! Also, it's nice of the kid to humor Mr. Rogers by saying he also likes hopscotch and Candyland...

I also love the very end, just because we get to hear Mr. Rogers say, "Hey Brendon, your dad's over there, so we better go". Yay pedophile jokes!!

UPDATE: As an eagle-eyed commenter just pointed out, the video game service guy that comes in at 2:00 is Keith fucking David, star of There's something about Mary ("Is it the frank or the beans?"), Clockers, Road House, The Quick and the Dead, and he played Earl Woods in 'The Tiger Woods Story'. Cool!!

Sit Still Class... Teacher's A Little Hung Over, So Today We'll Watch This Film...

2006-09-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

According to this educational film from the '60s, School Bus accidents are caused by the following things: Nebbish bus drivers who look like Jason Alexander, kids with big flowers (?), kids who track cow shit into the bus, kids whose parents may be getting divorced, Mexicans with knives, and of course, negroes with their loud music.

At the very least, check out the growing racist rage on the red-headed girl at 6:10. I'm pretty sure the 30 seconds that follows influenced most of the ending scenes in the movie 'Do The Right Thing'...

Patience My Son...

2006-09-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

Watch (or skip ahead) to the end. It's got a pretty good payoff...

Deserving of the 'Straight To Video' Treatment...

2006-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Here's my entry into the most recent 'San Francisco Three Minute Film Festival'. I didn't see the voting results, but I'm pretty confident it finished last. On the bright side, however, I put next to no effort into it at all...

After Watching This, You Qualify For a Degree In Religeous Studies From Hampshire College...

2006-09-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

College buddy Jim posted this on his site:

Like Watching YouTube, Except Not Free...

2006-09-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Tonite, me and my homey Jeff will be hosting the

SAN FRANCISCO THREE MINUTE FILM FESTIVAL

ROOT DIVISION
17th AND VAN NESS
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH
Doors at 7:00 PM
Movies at 8:00 PM
$8 General Admission to benefit The Fine Folks at Root Division

COME THIRSTY! There will be booze, beer, and for designated drivers, a hose to drink from.

SEE YOU THERE!!!!!!

Music Recommendation From The Mrs....

2006-09-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

VanShe, one of those Australian bands, has a sound that can only be described with two words: John Hughes...

Might I also recommend the new Charlotte Gainsbourg and Darkel. Together, they make up an Air album, as they wrote all the songs for the former and the latter is a solo project from Cape-wearing Air member J.B. Dunckel.

New Commercial

2006-09-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

Y'all Gotta Get You Some Religeon...

2006-09-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

Reverend Fred Phelps presents the case against Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert...

The satanic spirit of MOCKERY!!!

Demitri Down Under

2006-09-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

A clip from a couple of months ago of Demitri Martin in Melbourne, Australia...

Review of the MTV Video Music Awards

2006-09-07T07:22:00.001-07:00

Who left the theatre geeks in charge?

Hi!, we're Panic! At the Disco!. (Ed. Note; I'm not sure where the exclamation mark is supposed to go, but one of those must be right)

We love Tim Burton movies more than life itself (especially since life up to this point has consisted of mean jocks calling us 'queers' and snapping us with towels in the locker room).

Our lyrics and song titles contain passages that an eleven year old girl would erase from her diary out of embarassment.

We single handedly represent everything that's wrong with Emo, Mall Punk, MySpace and Goth. We're the ultimate cross-over band of suck.

And we won Best Video of the Year at MTV's 'barrel-rolling into meaninglessness' circle jerk known as the VMAs.

Can't afford to see us now? Don't worry. In 3 years, we'll be opening for Jesus Jones and the VengaBoys at your local County Fair...

Why Does Comedy Central Hate Working People?

2006-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

I know everyone's supposed to be throwing barbeques and doing other 'outdoor' activities this weekend, but Comedy Central is making their lack of effort a little too obvious;

11:00 AM - King Ralph

1:00 PM - Juwanna Mann

3:00 PM - Malibu's Most Wanted

If there's a network called "Lingering closeups of stuff found in the fingernails of the homeless", I think I'd rather watch that today...

Fred Armisen

2006-09-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

My favorite bit of Fred Armisen's; Billy Smith, Native American Stand-up

Elvis Would've Been Proud Of You...

2006-09-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

What's that? More TV Sheriff? No? Drop Dead? Dial Tone?!!

Chemical Brothers - Get Yourself High

2006-08-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

The response to last week's 'Muse' video was so great (zero comments), that I thought I'd throw y'all another Joseph Kahn video;

No Apologies...

2006-08-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

Sure, other blogs may beg your forgiveness for putting up awful, treacly, syrupy goo like this, but not me! Choke on it!

Oh, and check out the crowd watching this and remember that the song is about porking in the afternoon, and is not very subtle...

Of course, the Channel 4 Newsteam's version is still better...

Muse - Knights of Cydonia

2006-08-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

I know I'm ridiculously late to the game here, but I have to admit liking the new 'Muse' stuff quite a bit. This song's a wacky mish-mash of old Radiohead, Queen and Morricone. Perfect music to support a goofy, over the top Joseph Kahn video...

Chicken Noodle Soup, Bitches...

2006-08-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to Aziz

How The Art Institute Is Ruining The World...

2006-08-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post on a message board recently from a kid that wanted to get into standup comedy (actually that's inaccurate, but for the sake of this rant, let's say he was). What struck me as odd was how he was approaching it. He had noticed that a lot of comedians don't make very much and that stand up clubs also pay next to nothing unless you're an already famous headliner. So his first question out of the gate was how to 'make a good living' as a comedian.

While on the surface, this may seem like a pretty legitimate question, I think it speaks to an attitude that is ruining most of the art in this world. Unlike some people, I believe that comedy, and especially standup comedy, is an art form, and that no one should ever approach the idea of becoming an artist with the question, "Yeah, but how do I make money at it?". The great thing about all forms of art is that no one needs corporate permission to become a successful artist. You just do it, and if people like it, they pay you for it. Comedy does not require a massive influx of cash. It's you, on a stage, with a microphone that someone else has already paid for. There is no form of art less expensive to the artist.

So what does this have to do with the Art Institute? Well, the A.I. pretends to be able to teach artists how to be successful and poisons young minds with the idea that art is like any other discipline. That, like accounting, you just have to be taught how to do it and then people will hire you to do it. The only thing missing from this equation, however, is that most artforms,especially 'being funny', cannot be taught.

Imagine if a normal university taught accounting by only teaching you what a calculator looks like and how to get an accounting job, leaving out the actual 'accounting' altogether. These graduates would probably get hired because of their degree, but everyone would slowly realize that none of the accountants actually know anything about what they're doing other than how to convince people that they should be accountants.

Even though I'm not totally convinced I'm making any sense here, I'll continue on...

By selling impressionable young minds on the idea that you're 'equipping them' with all the tools they need to be a successful artist, you are in a sense, releasing people into the world of art confident enough to believe that they deserve to get paid for art they haven't even created yet. In other words, they feel entitled to money they may or may not ever deserve.

Standup comedy is a tough, tough thing to do, and people should only do it if they love it. A good test on whether or not you love it is if you'll do it for free. There is absolutely nothing worse than going to an open mike comedy night and watching people do standup who HATE what they're doing but are only there to try and land a sitcom so they can stop doing what you're investing your time watching them do.

Sorry if I'm all over the place here, but for some reason it annoys me that the A.I. has been so successful convincing people that art is like any other commercial venture, and that if you learn the 'rules' and work hard, you'll be as good at being an artist as a plumber or auto mechanic is once he graduates from trade school.

And before anyone brings it up, yes, I know, I went to art school. So?

There's Some New Sheriff In Town...

2006-08-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

The incredible thing about this new video from brilliant Scratch VJ, TV Sheriff is the restrained and subtle use of the Chicago Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle (see if you can even spot it). For more brilliance, check out TV Sheriff.com and view tons more videos at EvilTV.

Predictions on a Mother fu**ing Blog...

2006-08-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

What kind of internet presence would I be if I never mentioned Snakes on a Plane? Well now that the movie is actually being released this weekend, here are my predictions on what will happen with this movie;

It's going to be a dud. Everyone who was going to see it regardless (middle American teenagers who paid to watch 'Saw 2', Philipino gang members busy waiting for the next Fast & Furious sequel and a few hardcore Samuel Jackson fans who still walk around saying, ~~"Look at the big brain on Brad!!"~~"Check out the big brain on Brett!!") will go see it, but at this point, there's no way it's going to connect with either mainstream audiences OR the hipster crowd. Indeed, cool internet-savvy hipsters is the market that this movie is now custom-designed for, but boneheaded decisions by dumbass movie executives have destroyed this movie's potential almost entirely.

If this movie had come out 3 months ago, every message board lurking geek on the planet would've seen it and it would've made 300 million dollars, but if there's one thing true about internet hipsters, it's that they're fickle assholes with the attention span of a gnat on crank. Just ask Interpol, Snow Patrol, The Bravery or 50 other bands that could've sold out Madison Square Garden for a week a year ago but would now have to open for Tapes 'n Tapes.

In true Hollywood fashion, the boneheads behind this movie not only looked a gift horse in the mouth, but stopped feeding it for two months in an attempt to make the movie fit what the internet buzz was. In the end they're left with a dead horse that's been painted up with slogans that were funny 6 months ago. Do you really think that the average trustafarian pot-head is going to be appreciative of the fact that the movie was re-shot so that Samuel Jackson actually says, "We gotta get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane"? Of course not. The average internet geek has since discovered 'Yacht Rock', 'DarkPlace' and 50 different videos starring Darth Vader (just scroll down). My guess is that the decision to delay this movie probably cost about 50 million dollars a week in lost revenue.

In the end, Snakes on a Plane will be one of those annoying footnotes to pop culture history like 'Whoomp, there it is' and 'Who let the dogs out' that dipshit rednecks will still bring up as if it's still relevant five years from now. That pretty much kills any hope of it being a 'Rocky Horror'-style cult film as well.

Two more reasons I know it's gonna tank, TWO BOOKS about how it's a really big deal, before the movie has even come out.

Expect a final gross of around $50 million and nearly negative DVD sales.

Oh, and P.S. Great work on the soundtrack fellas. Fallout Boy? Panic in the Disco? Coheed and Cambria? Why not just title the album, "Why the mid-00s suck"?

UPDATE: From a smarter guy than me, James Adomian of L.A. on a message board I was reading recently;

"The Snakes on a Plane phenomenon resurrects my hatred of that old "deliberately-irrelevant-because-everything-is" postmodernist surrender narrative.

The only pleasure people will be getting from this movie will be in the vein of, "Oh, look how stupid and useless we all are to be spoonfed this mishmash of cliches by our hopelessly superior corporate overlords." That's not the kind of healthy ironic skepticism that might help fix this shithole of a world we live in: those are the last words of a civilization begging to be put out of its misery.

We now live in an Orwellian dystopia. Snakes on a Plane shows that many of our brightest minds -- potentially the braintrust of a resistance or a revolution -- can be broken too easily. Torture the intelligentsia? Why bother? They'll marginalize themselves if you put out a deliberately bad movie!"

Couldn't have put it better myself (and didn't)...

Sign Up For Our Humanities Classes on Science Fiction...

2006-08-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

Included this semester; Evolution, the Holocaust and the Moon Landing, which ONE of these events actually happened?

I was reminded of this when I read that funny man Zach Galifianakis is performing at good old Appalachian State University this coming November 17th. If you're unfortunate enough to live close by, gather together the rest of the Joads into the covered wagon and go see him!!

The Day They Cancelled Manimal I Swore I'd Never Watch Television Again...

2006-08-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

With YouTube down for the count, I guess now's as good a time as any to stop doing daily posts from it. No one likes a blog filled with blank white images, so let's hear it for slightly original material for the next little bit!!!

Uh...well.... uhh.....

Come back YouTube!!!

UPDATE: It's Back!! Let the effortless re-tread blogging continue!